


Under Pressure

by Love (crazylove)



Series: Better Days [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Beyond Live Concert, Bulimia, Burn Out, Christmas, Drama, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sex, February Birthdays, Fictional Comeback, M/M, Near Future Fic, New Relationship, New Years, Present Day Timeline, Relationship Struggles, Slice of Life, implied sex, nct 127, roomie struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 64,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Love
Summary: Jaehyun is a singer, visual, dancer, performer, host, actor, teammate, friend and now boyfriend to Johnny Suh. Everything is going well until his roommate, Jungwoo, starts to act really strangely. But it's fine. Jaehyun can handle everything. Right?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Better Days [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123433
Comments: 31
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a companion piece to my other story Good Enough (https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237896) which is about Jungwoo's side of the story, if you wanna know what’s going on with him. The stories take place over the same timeframe. I don't think you have to read the first one to understand this story, as their paths diverge quite a bit at certain points. But you certainly can if you want!

“Cut!”

Jaehyun bowed to all his fellow actors and staff as they finished filming for the day. He kept his smile wide, but his eyes were puffy. Jaehyun had been getting up at 3am all week to film and then rehearse for the upcoming NCT Beyond Live concert. He was grateful to be busy but also, he almost had to admit it was starting to get to him.

Jaehyun stifled a huge yawn when he noticed one of the assistant directors standing next to him. Jaehyun straightened up before he bowed.

“Excuse me,” Jaehyun said, turning to the assistant director. He tried to keep his voice as chipper as possible. “Yes?”

The assistant director wasted no time handing him a stack of pages.

“Scene changes for tomorrow,” he said. “You’ve got a shirtless scene. Make sure you’re in good condition. The director thought you looked puffy last time. I suggest not eating or drinking anything else today. If you’re dehydrated, it’ll make your muscles pop.”

Jaehyun nodded. _“Deeeeeeeeee_!” He bleated cheerfully like a little goat, bowing one more time.

He groaned as soon as the assistant director left.

Jaehyun wanted to scream.

His manager dropped him off at the SM building where he promptly trudged through the back door to the medical unit to get his daily COVID test, a condition of being on set. The nurse shoved the swab up his nose without fanfare. Jaehyun was waiting for the day he’d get used to it but that hadn’t happened yet.

Jaehyun rubbed his nose and sniffed in the hallway. His eyes slipped close. He could just… stand here… for one minute…

He jerked out of sleeping on his feet when he heard a familiar voice come from the medical unit.

“Kim Jungwoo,” he said. Jaehyun was standing in the hall, on the other side of the doorway. Jungwoo must have been dropped off and come through the entrance from the outside of the building, just like he did. He didn’t know why Jungwoo was in the medical unit, but he thought he’d wait around for him. Make sure his roommate was okay.

Jaehyun sat down in the hallway to wait.

He closed his eyes for a moment.

He might have fallen asleep.

Then Jungwoo was tripping over him.

Jungwoo looked down at him, surprised.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said, forcing himself to sound more awake than he was. “I was going to get up but you were coming too fast.”

Jungwoo looked a bit fidgety and nervous. Ever since Jungwoo got back, Jaehyun made it his mission to make sure that Jungwoo felt comfortable. It had been a weird six months during Jungwoo’s hiatus without him in the room, fully part of the team. Jaehyun didn’t want that to happen again.

He really missed Jungwoo when he was gone.

Jungwoo was like the little brother he’d never had. As much as Jaehyun loved hanging out with him, he also wanted to protect him as much as he could.

Apparently, Jungwoo needed a COVID test because he’d been coughing due to smoking. Jaehyun didn’t say anything, but he’d never been a huge fan of the habit.

He kind of understood it, though.

“Let me treat you to lunch,” Jaehyun said, after they walked to the elevator. The new SM building was huge but the worst place was where they were. Jaehyun wanted to leave that medical unit behind them.

“Where?” Jungwoo asked.

“The cafeteria.”

“So hyung is going to treat me to the place we eat for free? I’m so impressed.”

Jaehyun looked at Jungwoo as they both started to laugh. Jungwoo could always make him laugh. That was one of things Jaehyun loved most about him.

Another thing he loved about Jungwoo was how he wasn’t scared to eat. Jaehyun watched him take a big bite of his kimchi fried rice while Jaehyun sipped his water. He’d gotten ramen, but he probably shouldn’t even eat that, according to the assistant director. But it was only 3pm and he still had the rest of rehearsal and then he needed to stay up all night and learn his new lines. Meanwhile, the assistant director told him that he should even drink water.

Jaehyun took an angry bite of his noodles.

Okay, he needed to be rational. Jaehyun decided to compromise. After this, nothing more. Nothing until after he took his shirt off in front of the camera tomorrow.

“How’s filming, hyung?” Jungwoo asked, breaking into his thoughts. Jaehyun looked up and smiled at him. Jungwoo was the only person Jaehyun found adorable when he spoke with his mouth full. Enjoy that food for me, Jaehyun thought.

“It’s busy,” Jaehyun said. He stirred his ramen noodles and tried not to calculate the calories. “I have a shirtless scene tomorrow.”

“Oh. You nervous?”

Jaehyun shrugged, trying to keep it casual. He didn’t want to dump all his stress on his younger roommate. “It’s my third. But I want to make sure I’m in good condition.”

“You’re always in good condition.” Jungwoo looked so earnest. Jaehyun wanted to laugh. He didn’t see the way the assistant director looked at him today. The director said he looked puffy. Then, Jaehyun remembered that he had actually said something about it last time. Jaehyun wanted to groan, but he kept it inside.

“They say that being dehydrated makes your muscles pop,” Jaehyun said. “They told me after the second time. I think it’s a hint. So I’m not going to eat or drink after this.”

“You’re not eating?”

“It’s only for like half a day,” Jaehyun said, trying not to check his watch too obviously. It was more like almost 24 hours. But he told himself that he wasn’t counting.

At least that’s what he told himself.

“No big deal,” Jaehyun said. If he kept saying that it would be true. He drank the rest of his water and then pushed the rest of his food aside.

Jungwoo suddenly announced he wasn’t smoking anymore and gave Jaehyun his cigarettes to throw out. Jaehyun did throw them in the trash but when Jungwoo got up to get some food to celebrate their negative COVID test results, Jaehyun got up and fished them out.

He had a long night ahead of him.

*

 **JefferyJae** : Meet me

 **JohnYoungHO** : Where?

 **JefferyJae** : The roof

 **JohnYoungHO** : You spoil me.

Jaehyun tapped out of KakaoTalk, put his phone down and turned to the next page. He sat on a blanket on the roof, puffing on a cigarette and looking through his new script. Every single fucking word was different than the lines he memorized yesterday. This had been happening almost every single scene since they started working with the new director.

Jaehyun hated it.

It was December, so not the best time to be hanging out outside. He was wearing his warmest coat, gloves, a hat, sitting on a blanket with another one on his lap. The cigarette was also helping to keep him warm. Jaehyun didn’t smoke that much. But when he did smoke, he really needed it.

“Can we go to my car?” Johnny said, appearing suddenly, walking over to him. Jaehyun looked Johnny up and down. Was it possible for someone to look good in a head-to-toe down jacket? “Can we please go to my fucking car?”

“No,” Jaehyun grunted.

“Why not?”

“Things don’t get done in your car.” Jaehyun waited for Johnny to sit down, then handed him the pages. “Start on page 3.”

He watched Johnny flip through the pages, focusing on those long fingers. He glanced up when he felt Johnny staring at him.

“What?” Jaehyun said.

“You started it,” Johnny said, with a cheeky smile.

“I did not.”

“Smoking is sexy…” Johnny leaned over and took the cigarette out of Jaehyun’s mouth. Jaehyun leaned back on his hand and bit his lower lip, watching Johnny.

He did make smoking sexy.

“It’s not sexy,” Jaehyun said after a moment, reaching over to pluck the cigarette out of Johnny’s mouth.

“You started it!” Johnny said again, laughing with wide eyes.

Jaehyun laughed and stubbed the cigarette out on the asphalt floor of the roof before pitching the butt into the darkness.

“Stop it,” Jaehyun said. “Now, focus.”

“Where did you get those cigarettes from anyway?” Johnny wiped his mouth. “They were rank.”

“Jungwoo’s,” Jaehyun said. “He gave them to me. Said he’s quitting smoking.”

“It’s probably for the best. He has shitty taste.”

Jaehyun laughed. “They aren’t that bad.”

“Oh yeah? Want me to show you?”

“John!” Jaehyun pointed at the script. “Page 3.”

“Just a little taste.”

Johnny crawled onto Jaehyun’s blanket and leaned in. Jaehyun met him the rest of the way.

Jaehyun wasn’t quite sure how all this started, but he knew that they showed no signs of stopping any time soon. Jaehyun was addicted to Johnny’s mouth, not only kissing it but the things Johnny could do with it.

He tasted the cigarette but he tasted Johnny more. Mostly toothpaste, a little hint of whatever Johnny was drinking earlier, his spit.

Jaehyun couldn’t get enough.

Johnny pulled Jaehyun on top of him. Jaehyun chucked off his gloves so he could feel Johnny’s stubble under his fingers. He held Johnny’s jaw and kissed him hard. He loved the way Johnny’s legs wrapped around him, holding him down. Johnny’s tongue slipped deep into his mouth. He sucked on Johnny’s lower lip before diving in for an even hotter kiss. Johnny’s moans vibrated against his lips, warming him up inside much better than a cigarette could ever achieve.

They were both breathing hard.

“Come to my car and I’ll make you come…” Johnny whispered in Jaehyun’s ear. Jaehyun’s face flushed with the thought, even though all the blood in his body seemed to drain towards his crotch.

As tempting as it was though…

“I gotta study, John,” Jaehyun whispered back, pressing his forehead against Johnny’s. Johnny groaned but he nodded. He pressed small kisses all over Jaehyun’s face, ending up at his lips. Then he unwrapped his legs from Jaehyun’s waist. Jaehyun instantly missed the sensation.

“My star actor,” Johnny teased, as Jaehyun rolled off him. Jaehyun let out a groan of his own, his breath puffing white in the cold night air.

It was hard to focus with the taste of Johnny’s mouth still on his lips.

“The director said I was puffy,” Jaehyun said, as they settled back down with the script. “Last time… in my shirtless scene. I have another one tomorrow.”

“Fuck him,” Johnny spit out, right away. “You’re not puffy. What is he talking about?”

“They told me not to eat or drink anything until after the shoot.”

“Don’t listen to these people, Jaehyun.”

“It’s my job,” Jaehyun said, dryly. His job was filled with a lot of things he didn’t want to do. He pointed at the script in Johnny’s hands.

“Page 3,” Johnny said, sitting back on his butt. Jaehyun readjusted himself on his blanket and then lifted his lap blanket, gesturing for Johnny to come over. Johnny slid right next to him and he settled the blanket over both of their laps.

“’Oppa, you can’t do that!’” Johnny read in a high pitched voice that made Jaehyun burst out laughing.

“Johnny,” he gasped out once he could catch his breath. “Please.”

“Okay, okay, Jaehyun.” Johnny grinned and kissed Jaehyun on the cheek. He said the line again, in a normal voice.

Jaehyun looked down at his script. Then he closed his eyes and tried to recite his corresponding line from memory.

“Um, Jae,” Johnny said. “You’re not even close.”

Jaehyun sighed and looked up at the moon above, bright in sky despite the usual Seoul light pollution.

He really wanted some coffee

*

Jaehyun didn’t go to sleep until after 1am. His alarm beeped at 3am. He turned it off immediately, instantly wide awake. Jungwoo was still sleeping peacefully in his bed across the room. He hadn’t stirred at all.

Must be nice, Jaehyun thought, stifling a huge yawn.

He slipped out of bed and got ready for work.

“We’re working around _your_ schedule!” The director yelled in front of everyone, after Jaehyun blew his lines for the third time. “The rest of us don’t have to be here this early.”

Jaehyun bowed over and over again, repeating his constant apologies. The scenes this morning were rough. He and Johnny worked on his lines almost all night yet Jaehyun was still having a hard time making them stick.

“We can always find another idol actor,” the director snarled. “They’re a dime a dozen.”

“Break!” Called one of the assistant directors.

No one looked at him as Jaehyun grabbed his script and hurried from the set, out to a hallway in the back of the lot. He sat down heavily and took a deep breath.

Get it together, Yoonoh, he told himself.

Before he looked at the script, he checked his phone.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Good morning, sexy actor Jeff!

 **JohnYoungHO** : I know you’re killing it.

Jaehyun made a face to himself as he typed back.

 **JefferyJae** : Not killing it. About to be unemployed.

 **JefferyJae** : They’re gonna repossess the Black card.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Not the Black card!

Jaehyun’s phone buzzed. He answered it with a reluctant smile.

“What’s going on?” Johnny asked.

“You’re awake?”

“Ha ha. It’s 10am and I’m gonna meet up with my trainer. But what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Jaehyun sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. 10am but it had already been such a long day.

“I can’t remember my lines.”

“Yes, you can,” Johnny said. “By the time we went to bed, you had them down.”

“They’re gone now.”

“Okay, Jae, I know that stupid director told you that you were looking puffy last time but… I’ve seen you with your shirt off way more than him. You are nowhere close to puffy. Eat a Snickers, your brain needs fuel. You got this, babe.”

Jaehyun’s heart stuttered when Johnny called him babe.

They had never used pet names before.

What did that mean?

“I don’t know…” Jaehyun mumbled.

“Trust me,” Johnny said. “Do I need to come on set and force food down your throat?”

Jaehyun laughed a little. “Okay, okay…”

“Just a little. But seriously when, your blood sugar is down it’s hard to concentrate. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jaehyun agreed.

“Call me back?”

“Work hard, Johnny,” Jaehyun said.

“Just trying to get as ripped as you, DJ Jazzy Jeff,” Johnny teased. “Talk to you soon.”

Jaehyun hung up and took a deep breath. It was amazing how good Johnny was at making him feel better.

Which was how this whole thing started. Hooking up with Johnny was… a fun pastime, a way to blow off steam, something that Jaehyun did just for himself, to feel good. Only to feel good.

It was about the only time in the day where he got to do what he wanted to do.

Hooking up with Johnny was just for him.

They’d agreed to keep it casual. That was for the best. Jaehyun didn’t have time for anything else.

But he couldn’t get the way Johnny called him “babe” out of his mind.

Jaehyun wandered over to the catering table and got a granola bar, a hard boiled egg and an iced Americano from the coffee bar. He sat at a table, ate his breakfast quickly and looked over his pages again. Then he closed his eyes and envisioned himself saying each line perfectly.

Johnny was right. He could do this.

The director barely looked at him when he returned to his mark. They restarted the scene and he was able to find his lines and his charming smile. By the time they finished the scene, the director kind of looked at Jaehyun out of the corner of his eye.

That was good enough.

His shirtless scene was next. He felt a bit nervous as hair and makeup prepared him with some glowing oil and make up to better define his abs. All he was doing was pretending to walk into a pool. They weren’t even near a pool. But Jaehyun flipped a towel over his shoulder, wearing just a pair of blue swim trunks, and pretended to walk to a pool in front of the director, his fellow actors and about 20 staff members wearing masks.

He felt silly. But he was an actor. This was what actors did.

“Cut!” the director said, pumping his fist. “That’s it! We got it. Great job, everyone!” Everyone clapped. The director came over and shook Jaehyun’s hand, complimenting him on his abs.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” the director said. “No food before the shoot. This is why we hire idol actors.”

Jaehyun watched the director walk away and then grabbed his shirt.

No praise for the way he learned 20 pages of new lines in one night.

No kudos from coming back from a terrible start and doing a great job.

No feedback on his acting.

They clapped for his… abs. Jaehyun standing there half naked for a few moments.

That’s the only thing they cared about.

Jaehyun hurried to put his shirt back on. _Idol actors are a dime a dozen_. Well, thank goodness for his abs, otherwise he’d already be replaced.

Jaehyun laughed bitterly to himself. Why was it so hard to get taken seriously? He wanted to be an actor. He truly enjoyed it.

He didn’t think acting had anything to do with abs.

He wasn’t going to starve himself for this man again.

Jaehyun looked at his buzzing phone. His manager texted that he was outside. The assistant director stopped Jaehyun before he left, giving him a new stack of rewrites to learn before filming the next day.

Jaehyun bowed deeply and tried not to sigh.

Johnny was waiting for him when he got out of the van at the Beyond Live studios. He held the door open for Jaehyun, like a gentleman.

“You never called me back,” Johnny said.

“It got busy,” Jaehyun said. “What are we rehearsing today?”

“I didn’t memorize the schedule.”

He and Johnny walked down the hallway to the locker rooms. It was empty. Everyone had already been rehearsing for a couple of hours. Jaehyun put down his bag and slipped off his coat, sweater and undershirt, getting topless once again. He looked up, noticing that Johnny was still standing there.

“Wait, what are you—”

Johnny pushed him against the locker.

Jaehyun chuckled as Johnny pressed against him to devour his mouth in a heated kiss. Jaehyun reached over to hold onto Johnny’s biceps, kissing him back just as eagerly.

Johnny groaned against his lips, running his hands up Jaehyun’s bare sides and then down over his chest and his abs. This was the only person Jaehyun wanted to appreciate his abs.

Johnny’s hands were always so warm and big… Jaehyun liked the way they grabbed him. Johnny held him tight now, squeezing his sides, as they kissed harder and harder. Johnny dominated the kiss, but Jaehyun tipped his head back, inviting Johnny to kiss him deeper. He needed that. Johnny slid his hand down to the front of Jaehyun’s crotch, cupping him there. Jaehyun sucked in his breath as Johnny moved to kiss along the side of his jaw and his neck.

“Mmmm…” Johnny moaned against him. Jaehyun swallowed hard, his eyes flickering open for a moment.

They were still alone.

“Everyone’s practicing Resonance.”

“I thought you didn’t memorize the schedule.” Jaehyun choked out as Johnny nibbled on that spot on the right side of his jaw and yeah, he was fully hard.

“I know that much.” Johnny pulled away just enough to look into Jaehyun’s eyes with a teasing grin.

“How did you get out of it?”

“Don’t you worry about me.” Johnny chuckled, kissing Jaehyun again. Jaehyun was helpless against those addictive lips. Johnny unzipped his pants.

“We’ve got time,” Johnny flicked his tongue across Jaehyun’s lips. “You don’t take long, anyway.”

“Shut up.” Jaehyun reached around to smack Johnny’s ass.

“Oooo, I like it,” Johnny teased, tugging off Jaehyun’s pants and his underwear so they pooled at his feet. He grabbed Jaehyun’s cock with both hands. Jaehyun shuddered and swallowed hard. He tipped his head back until Johnny was kissing him again while he was stroking him with two hands.

“Wait…” Johnny let him go. Jaehyun stood there, eyes closed, cock ready, throbbing in anticipation in the cool air. He could feel himself leaking. He pressed his hands against the walls, gripping with his fingertips the best he could, his hips bucking a bit.

“I got lube,” Johnny said, grabbing Jaehyun again with a slick hand. “Can’t have my baby getting all chafed.”

“Johnny…” Jaehyun chided, but it was too hard to say anything else because Johnny started stroking him again, harder. Jaehyun focused on Johnny’s large hand jerking him off, moving up and down, the friction more pleasurable with the addition of the lube. Johnny really did know how to treat him right.

For a casual thing. Simply casual.

“You’re so big…” Johnny murmured. Jaehyun’s breathing was getting faster, coming out in little pants and groans that matched the rhythm of Johnny’s hand. Johnny ran his thumb over the tip of Jaehyun’s cock, flicked his wrist at the base, gave him a squeeze every now and then. All these little surprises to make Jaehyun jump and his heart race leap up even higher. He moved his hand fast and then slow, switching up the rhythm so that Jaehyun’s toes curled in his sneakers. He jumped when Johnny ran a lubed finger along the underside of his ball sack.

“Fuck—” Jaehyun stuttered out.

“Maybe later?” Johnny said, cheerfully.

Jaehyun’s eyes were still closed tightly as his body began to shake. Johnny picked up the rhythm, leaning against Jaehyun again so Jaehyun’s cock was trapped between them. He kissed Jaehyun, mouth opened hotly as he licked Jaehyun’s upper lip and the roof of his mouth. Jaehyun grunted and then groaned in the back of his throat as he grew closer and closer.

“Johnny, I’m—"

Johnny gave the base of Jaehyun’s cock a rough squeeze and then stroked him, hard. That was all it took. Jaehyun bit his hand to keep from crying out as his orgasm ripped through his body. His hips shivered and quaked as Johnny stroked him the whole time he was coming. He finally let his hand drop as his body gave a random jerk from one of the aftershocks and he gave a helpless moan.

“Baby—” Johnny leaned in to kiss the corner of his mouth. “You needed that.”

Jaehyun jerked his head away. “Don’t call me that.”

Johnny pulled away with a frown. “What?”

Jaehyun shuffled to the side with a small grunt. He was still sensitive and probably needed a minute, but he also needed to move. He found his undershirt on the ground and used it to clean himself up. Johnny stepped back, looking confused.

“You know what,” Jaehyun mumbled.

He could feel Johnny standing there, staring at him. Jaehyun focused on looking down and cleaning up.

“Oh shit,” Johnny said. “Work It unit… is next. See ya, Jeff. Hope that nickname is okay.”

Johnny went over to the sinks and washed his hands, then left without another word.

Jaehyun dropped his soiled shirt and sighed. He didn’t mean to sound like a jerk it just… came out. It was probably for the best. Jaehyun hit a random locker with the side of his fist and then focused on changing into his practice clothes, so he could join everyone else.

*

“Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun stopped when he heard Taeyong call his name. He turned and saw his leader stretched out on his back on a table in the trainer’s room. They all came in here any time they needed an ice pack or an aspirin or something minor while they were practicing in the Beyond Live studios.

“Hi, hyung,” Jaehyun said, walking in the room. One of their trainers was preparing something on the table behind Taeyong.

“When did you get here?”

“Just now.” Jaehyun decided not to mention the fifteen minutes he spent in the locker room with Johnny. His cheeks heated up a bit anyway.

“Has the stage director talked to you?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone yet.”

“Okay, well, he’s going to tell you that he’d like you to practice my part in Kick It when we rehearse today. You know the section.”

“Of course.” Jaehyun said. He didn’t need to ask too many questions. He knew that Taeyong’s back had been bothering him a lot lately and he was strategically sitting out different parts of their rehearsal.

“Thanks, Jaehyun.” Taeyong gave him a smile. “Hey, who did you get for Secret Santa?”

Jaehyun crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe with a little smile. “Well, that’s a secret, hyung.”

Taeyong smiled and rolled his eyes a little.

“I got Taeil,” Jaehyun admitted. “I got him a heated scarf, like with a neck warming pad.”

Taeyong nodded. “That sounds great. I’m just reminding everyone… make sure no one forgets. I want this Christmas party to be really nice.”

“It will be,” Jaehyun said with a short nod. “Don’t worry, hyung.”

“Remind Jungwoo for me? You know…”

Jaehyun laughed a little. “Yeah, I know. I will.” Jungwoo could be a bit spacy during their team meetings. Jaehyun understood it, though. Jungwoo was a bright guy who had a lot on his mind.

“I just talked to him,” Taeyong said. “He was… late showing up for the Work It Unit practice, so they missed it. I don’t know where he was.”

Jaehyun blinked in surprise. Jungwoo was late but Johnny wasn’t? He didn’t expect that.

“I just…” Taeyong said, trailing off. But Jaehyun knew what he meant without words.

“Don’t worry,” Jaehyun said. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“I know can rely on you, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun stepped out of the room and took a deep breath. Yep, that was him. Mr. Reliable. Now, on top of everything else, he had to worry about remembering Taeyong’s part in Kick It during a practice he was hoping to sleepwalk through because he’d be staying up until 1am again, learning lines.

He sighed.

When he walked into the practice room, he saw Jungwoo doubled over in the corner, struggling to breathe.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun’s heart jumped up to his throat. He hurried over and grabbed Jungwoo’s shoulders, pulling him upright. “Jungwoo, are you okay? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He paused but Jungwoo didn’t respond. “Breathe, Jungwoo.”

Jaehyun’s heart beat a little faster as he felt Jungwoo’s body shaking against him and then Jungwoo was coughing. What was going on? Jungwoo wasn’t saying anything.

“Jungwoo… breathe…” Jaehyun urged, giving Jungwoo a little shake of his own. Jaehyun’s heart started pounding a little faster.

Jaehyun looked up suddenly when he felt eyes on him. Johnny was looking at him from across the room. Other than that, no one was in there because the stage director has just called the break for dinner. Johnny gestured like he was asking if he should come over there. Jaehyun shook his head, quickly. He couldn’t worry about Johnny right now. He could handle this himself.

Just like everything else.

Jaehyun looked back down at Jungwoo’s hunched over shoulders. “Jungwoo!” he tried again, after Johnny left. “Talk to me. Are you okay?”

All of a sudden, Jungwoo straightened up. It was still kind of a surprise that they were about the same height now. Jaehyun reached out to grab Jungwoo’s arm, but Jungwoo didn’t seem to notice. There was something in his eyes that made Jaehyun feel like Jungwoo wasn’t completely there.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jungwoo said, in a weird, dreamy voice. Jaehyun blinked at him, but Jungwoo didn’t seem to notice. “I just… choked.”

“You’re not smoking again?” Jaehyun thought back to how Johnny said Jungwoo’s cigarettes were shitty. Maybe they were extra dangerous too, like giving Jungwoo a brain disease or something. “Because I think it’s good you quit.”

“I did,” Jungwoo said. “I’m fine.” Jungwoo’s voice was hollow. Before he could say anything more, Jungwoo asked him about filming. Jaehyun didn’t really want to change the subject but maybe that was best.

Jaehyun would figure it out later. Right now, he was tired and he still had hours of work ahead of him.

“Come on.” Jaehyun grabbed Jungwoo’s arm and began leading him out of the room. This was probably like what happened to him this morning. Jungwoo needed to eat. “We need dinner. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jungwoo nodded. Jaehyun pulled his roommate over into the chaos of dinner, which was weirdly in a conference room. 23 people plus staff were a lot of people to feed. Jaehyun chose a salad because he wasn’t going to starve himself for a shoot anymore, but he was going to watch what he ate. Jungwoo piled his plate with food. That made Jaehyun feel better.

Jaehyun lived vicariously through Jungwoo as he got seconds and even thirds.

There wasn’t much time for conversation, between the eating and all the times Jungwoo got up to get more food and Jaehyun thinking about everything he needed to do and then the announcement that practice would resume in 20 minutes.

“I need to stretch,” Jaehyun told Jungwoo, getting up. Jungwoo still had two slices of pizza on his plate, so Jaehyun didn’t think his roommate would be joining him. That was a good thing. Eating was kind of Jungwoo’s thing. Jaehyun was glad he was feeling better.

Jaehyun headed back to the practice room and sat down, spreading his legs out in front of him. He felt so stiff. He went over Taeyong’s part in his head, closing his eyes as he leaned forward to grab his toes.

When he looked up, Johnny was staring down at him.

“Are we fighting?” he asked.

“No.” Jaehyun rolled his eyes a little and tucked one leg under him for his quad stretch.

“Okay.” Johnny sat next to him. “Jungwoo okay?”

“I think so.” Jaehyun switched his legs. “I’m trying to mentally prep. I’m doing Taeyong’s first part today.”

Johnny nodded. “Okay, I’ll leave you alone but… tonight, can I help you with your lines?”

“Lines only, John,” Jaehyun grunted, leaning over his leg and grabbing the ball of his foot.

“Lines only.” Johnny held up one hand. “I want to give you something so… let’s meet in my car? Seriously, I’m sick of freezing my balls off.”

Jaehyun allowed himself to laugh a little. “Fine. Let’s meet up… give me an hour after get back.”

“Okay.” Johnny hopped up and went over to sit with the members of the Work It Unit. Jaehyun checked his phone as it buzzed with a new text. Jungwoo was asking him for a mint. Probably a good idea, after everything he ate.

“Hey Johnny!” Jaehyun called across the room and waiting for Johnny to jog back over to him. He fished out a pack of gum from his back pocket. “Give this to, Jungwoo, okay?”

Then he stretched both legs out in front of him, leaned over, grabbed the back of his calves and pressed his head down, pushing himself, until he was just about to snap.

*

Jaehyun sat at his vanity in his room and finished patting his serum in his face. No matter how tired he was or how much he still needed to do at night, he always made sure to finish his skincare. It’s your insurance for the future, someone told him once. Or maybe it was a shitpost in the 97-liner chat. He couldn’t quite remember. Didn’t matter now.

It stuck with him.

Jaehyun finished with his eye cream and glanced over his shoulder at Jungwoo, lying on his bed and staring into space. Jungwoo wasn’t as into skincare even though Jaehyun had gifted him with a nice starter kit once. Jungwoo would fall asleep in his makeup, if Jaehyun allowed it. Which Jaehyun never did.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said. “You remember the Secret Santa thing right? For the Christmas party in a few days?”

Jungwoo nodded. Jaehyun wasn’t sure how to interpret the glassy look in his eyes. It worried him a little.

“Yeah,” Jungwoo said. “I got Yuta a blender.”

“Good.” Jaehyun turned back to his mirror. His phone flashed a notification.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’m in my car. I’m just in the garage.

 **JeffreyJae** : Okay, I’ll be there in a bit.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Don’t leave me waiting too long or I’ll ignore your ass for Candy Crush.

Jaehyun snorted and pressed a hand to his mouth. When he glanced in the mirror, he saw that, thankfully, Jungwoo had not noticed his weird giggle fit.

Jungwoo didn’t seem to be noticing much of anything at all.

He looked awfully pale.

Jaehyun got up and sat on the edge Jungwoo’s bed, near his feet. He was wearing his plaid pajama pants and some old hoodie he got a million years ago. Nope, he wasn’t dressing up for Johnny.

He and Jungwoo had always been close, but once Jungwoo moved back into the dorm, back into their room, they became even closer. They were both in a strange position in the group, not quite part of the hyung line, not maknaes like Haechan and Mark. Jaehyun admired the way Jungwoo could be effortlessly funny and silly and cute with everyone. Jaehyun didn’t have that ability. He found himself to be too serious. Then when he tried to be funny or cute, it fell flat. Jaehyun liked to hear Jungwoo’s perspective on the world. Most of all, he admired how Jungwoo wasn’t scared to show his emotions. He knew Jungwoo suffered from anxiety and stage fright and uncertainty, just like the rest of them. But he was able to cry it out and then go on stage, performing better than he ever had.

Jaehyun wasn’t very good at showing his emotions. He kept it all inside.

He reached out and grabbed Jungwoo’s foot, giving it a shake.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m gonna be heading out for a bit, practicing my lines. You need anything?”

Jungwoo looked at him for a moment and then smiled. “You going to McDonald’s?”

Jaehyun chuckled and rolled his eyes, playfully. “I’m not leaving the building.”

“I’ll be good, hyung,” Jungwoo said. “Good luck with your lines. If you mess up, you can save it by just being handsome.”

Jaehyun tried his best to smile. He knew Jungwoo was being funny, but the comment stung a little bit.

“Good night, Jungwoo.” Jaehyun squeezed Jungwoo’s foot before getting up, grabbing his stuff and heading out.

Johnny was waiting in the heated, underground garage just like he said. Jaehyun slipped into the passenger seat, closed the door and handed Johnny his script.

“Okay,” he said, closing his eyes.

“No, hello?” Johnny said. Jaehyun could feel Johnny lean in close to him. He could smell his cologne. He was so tempted.

“I wanna remember my lines.”

“What page?”

“I’m on 5.”

He heard Johnny rustling the pages. Then he started reading.

“’It’s not what you think,’” Johnny read, not using his girl voice this time.

Jaehyun opened his mouth and… totally blanked.

“’I have to go now,’” Johnny prompted.

Jaehyun opened an eye.

“Why are you being weird?” Johnny said, not following the script.

Jaehyun opened his other eye.

“Because I called you baby.” Johnny tipped his head to the side, giving Jaehyun a look.

Jaehyun groaned.

“It’s just a word,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun bit his lip and focused on the dash of Johnny’s expensive car. It wasn’t on but they were still warm because the heated garage was like a sauna in the winter.

“We said we were gonna keep it casual, John.”

“I’m casual. I’m very casual! You’re gonna hate this present.” Johnny leaned back and grabbed something from the backseat. He handed Jaehyun a box. It wasn’t wrapped, it was just in an unsealed Amazon box. Jaehyun opened it without fanfare. Inside was a sweater. But not just any sweater. A black sweater with a Christmas tree on the front and a Santa on the back.

Then he noticed what Johnny was wearing.

He burst out laughing, in spite of himself. “Johnny!” he choked out.

It was the same sweater. Just with the Christmas tree and Santa on opposite sides.

“It’s for the Christmas party! We’ll have the best ugly sweaters in the place.”

“Johnny, we are not going to the Christmas party in couples sweaters.”

“They are like backwards… no one will notice. Come on, Jaehyun, loosen up. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

“People will start to talk.”

“So? Everyone is too caught up in their own shit, anyway.” Johnny reached across to take Jaehyun’s hands. “Okay. Answer me now. What’s so bad if I call you baby?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “Because you’re gonna catch me up in your romantic shit and I… have things to do.” Jaehyun closed his eyes and pictured his schedule. Filming, concert rehearsal, hosting, press, comeback prep, vocal practice, personal training sessions, grooming sessions, plus trying to find time to hang out with his teammates, especially Jungwoo.

He didn’t have time for romance.

Right?

“Okay,” Johnny said. “But what if I told you that my—” He lifted his fingers into air quotes. “’romantic shit’ wouldn’t take up too much of your time. No more time than this does.”

Johnny leaned over the console between the driver and passenger side seat and kissed the side of Jaehyun’s neck, in that soft, sweet way that absolutely melted him. Jaehyun tipped his head forward and gave a little sigh.

“And… you deserve a little romance,” Johnny said, speaking against Jaehyun’s neck. “I can’t help it if I like you, Jung Yoonoh. You don’t have to feel the same way but--”

Jaehyun turned to Johnny, suddenly, grabbed his face and kissed him hard.

Because, fuck it, Johnny was right.

He deserved a little romance.

And he liked Johnny, too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny asks Jaehyun an important question at the Christmas party.

Jaehyun decided to wear Johnny’s sweater to the Christmas party.

Which was totally worth it because Johnny called him sexy and Jaehyun couldn’t help feeling a secret thrill around the others.

However, he wasn’t thrilled about the way Johnny made everyone in the 10th floor dorm show off their ugly Christmas sweaters to each other. Especially since Jungwoo wasn’t wearing one.

Jaehyun had reminded him about the Secret Santa present. He forgot to remind Jungwoo about this. He felt guilty watching Jungwoo get clowned on by Johnny. Then Johnny’s brilliant idea was for them to write on post-it notes and stick it to Jungwoo’s sweater to make it ugly. Jaehyun could tell Jungwoo was uncomfortable with it. He tried to draw something cute and stuck it on Jungwoo’s back, rubbing him there at the same time.

Jaehyun vowed to do better.

He had so much on his plate.

The Christmas party was in the 5th floor dorm. Jaehyun breathed in the sweet smell of cookies, pine needles, disinfectant and home cooking as soon as he walked in. The 10th floor Dorm Auntie tried her best, but there was a lot to overcome. Jaehyun knew he was personally responsible for leaving his underwear on the floor or a half eaten plate of food in the sink for days. He wasn’t proud. It still happened.

The party had immediately descended into chaos. Taeyong and Doyoung were wearing matching reindeer onesies. Doyoung even had a glowing red nose on. Everyone was laughing at Mark’s old lady sweater. There was food everywhere. The decorations were amazing. It felt so good to have a night off. Jaehyun didn’t even have new pages to learn. Even though he needed to be ready for filming at 4 in the morning once again, Jaehyun was going to enjoy this.

Jaehyun looked around for the keyboard. Johnny said he’d put it out. But before he could ask, Johnny was standing near the kitchen, making a big announcement.

“Look!” Johnny called, pointing at the sprig of mistletoe that he had obviously and sloppily hung on the kitchen doorframe. “This is the danger zone. Don’t stand here for too long unless you want to see… what happens.”

There were some groans. Doyoung made it clear that this was not one of his party ideas. Johnny looked proud of himself as he walked in the kitchen. Jaehyun looked around at everyone else, forming groups and talking. Jungwoo was staring at the all the food on the dining table. Jaehyun smiled to himself. Typical Jungwoo.

He followed Johnny into the kitchen.

“Hey, come to try it out?” Johnny asked, without turning around. He was standing in front of a big punch bowl full of something that looking like slightly off-color milk.

“Ha ha,” Jaehyun said, dryly. He stood next to Johnny. “What’s that?”

Johnny wrapped an arm around him. “Eggnog. I made it. All you have to do is mix together some eggs, some milk, some heavy cream, some sugar, some vanilla… it’s delicious.”

Jaehyun looked in the punchbowl, imagining all the calories. He looked over at Johnny and made a face.

“It’s delicious! I swear. Wanna try it?”

If it was anyone else, Jaehyun would have declined. But Johnny was smiling, so cute and obviously so proud of himself. Jaehyun couldn’t resist him.

“Okay,” he said. “The tiniest amount, Johnny.”

Johnny grabbed a shot glass and dipped it in the punch bowl so it was half full of eggnog. Then he handed it to Jaehyun, after wiping off the sides with a napkin.

Jaehyun held the shot glass, looking it over.

“Chicago shot glass?” He read.

Johnny nodded. “Only the best for you, babe.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes and then sipped the eggnog. It was pretty good. Way sweeter than anything he could handle but good. He nodded, handing the shot glass back to Johnny.

“You did a good job,” Jaehyun said. “I think.”

“Oh, but you’re missing the best part.” Johnny reached up into one of the cabinets and pulled out a bottle of rum. “Eggnog was made to be spiked.”

“Now I get your motivation for doing this,” Jaehyun said, with a little shake of his head.

“It’s just fun for the Christmas party,” Johnny said, pouring rum into the punch bowl. Jaehyun winced, watching him pour in half the bottle.

“Careful, Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “That stuff is sweet so it’s really gonna hide the alcohol. We have dress rehearsal tomorrow.”

“Jaehyun, I know what I’m doing,” Johnny said. “It’s not that alcoholic, it’s fine. It’s so sweet, nobody can drink like… more than two glasses. They aren’t gonna get tanked off of this.”

Jaehyun bit his lip, unconvinced.

When Johnny was done stirring the eggnog, he grabbed another shot glass and then poured two shots of rum. He handed one to Jaehyun.

“To us,” Johnny said. “Wearing the cutest couples Christmas sweaters at the party.”

Jaehyun smiled, in spite of himself. He let Johnny touch his forehead to his. Then they both took the shot.

Someone behind them cleared his throat.

Jaehyun turned around, spotting Doyoung standing there with a tray of kimbap.

“We’re going to eat now,” he said. “Come on.”

Jaehyun grabbed a plate and sat next to Jungwoo while Johnny was running around, helping the 5th floor hosts and arguing with Haechan over the taste of his eggnog. Jaehyun was impressed by the spread but he knew he couldn’t overindulge. Shirtless scene or not, Jaehyun had to make sure he was in top physical condition for the camera. While everyone piled their plates with kimchi fried rice and dumplings and chicken wings and tteokbokki, Jaehyun stuck with a salad and some water.

“Hyung, you’re not eating?” Jungwoo asked him.

Jaehyun shook his head. “I’m filming early tomorrow, so I have to take it easy.”

Jungwoo looked at him wistfully, then looked away. Jaehyun watched him take a big bite of his fried rice. He was about to ask him what was wrong, but then Johnny was talking loudly to everyone.

“So, what’s the verdict on the eggnog?” He’d been serving it to everyone during dinner. Jaehyun declined to drink anymore, but mostly everyone else did. Mark’s face was red. Jungwoo had finished most of his. There were mixed reviews. It didn’t seem to bother Johnny, though, which was one of the things Jaehyun liked about him.

Jungwoo and Johnny both. They didn’t care what other people thought. They let things roll right off their back. Jaehyun could get consumed with it, all the second guessing and the nagging desire to please.

After dinner, they showed off their ugly Christmas sweaters in a runway show to different Christmas songs. It was really cheesy but Jaehyun laughed a lot because his members were hilarious. Johnny insisted that they walk together, so they could show off the Christmas tree side of the sweater. Johnny was walking backwards and at the end, they both ended up on the floor somehow, laughing, while Jaehyun was enveloped in Johnny’s woodsy scent.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to resist this.

After Taeil and Haechan won the ugly Christmas sweater contest, they all sat around and opened Secret Santa presents. In a strange twist of fate, he and Taeil had gotten each other. Taeil gifted him with a compact lighted mirror and a box of trendy hair, skin and nails vitamin gummies. It was fun watching everyone open their gifts and guess (most incorrectly) who had gotten them. Jaehyun would have gotten a gift for everyone, but he didn’t have time.

There were no more plans after the presents, just time for hanging out. Johnny finally got Jaehyun the keyboard and he sat behind it, playing some Christmas tunes and watching everyone. Mark sat near him, strumming on his guitar, suggesting new Christmas songs for them to sing. It was nice seeing all his members relaxing and enjoying each other. They didn’t get to hang out like this as often as they should. If someone had free time, someone else was busy. Jaehyun felt like he was gone a lot. And he missed them.

“Rudolph?” Mark suggested, tuning his guitar again. No one was paying attention to him. “Rudolph? Doyoung-hyung? Where’s your red nose?”

Jaehyun pressed his fingers down to play the opening notes for Rudolph, when he noticed Jungwoo sitting by himself.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun called. He waved his roommate over and gestured for him to sit next to him. “Sing this with me?”

Mark hadn’t quite gotten Rudolph off the ground so Jaehyun switched the song to O Holy Night. He smiled as Jungwoo began singing with him. Jungwoo really did have an amazing voice and Jaehyun thought he should be pushed to show it off more. At least, right now, everyone had noticed. The noisy background chatter turned down as their bandmates stopped talking so they could listen. Jaehyun accompanied Jungwoo, harmonizing with him, but he led Jungwoo lead the song, watching his roommate sing soulfully with his eyes closed. He felt like he was seeing Jungwoo in his purest form. This sweet faced, goofy guy who was quiet one moment, loud the next, hanging in the background and then directing the whole show. Someone who you weren’t quite sure what was inside of then, but once you started looking, you could tell that everything about them was amazing. Someone full of infinite possibilities and talent. Someone who could achieve anything.

And what was Jaehyun going to achieve in the future?

Having sexy abs.

Jaehyun rested his head on Jungwoo’s shoulder and smiled, listening to him sing the final note. When they were done, everyone burst into applause. Jaehyun sat up and rubbed Jungwoo’s shoulder. He loved the proud blush on Jungwoo’s face.

“Good job,” Jaehyun said.

“Encore!” Taeil said.

Jaehyun was about to start another song when he saw Johnny sidle up to them.

Noticed the look in his eyes.

“Hey, Jaehyun,” Johnny said. “Come with me for a second? I wanna show you something in my room.” Johnny held out his hand.

Could he be anymore obvious? Jaehyun grabbed Johnny’s hand and let him pull him up right away, just so they could get out of there before everyone noticed. “Okay, Johnny,” he said. He didn’t have time to say bye to Jungwoo before Johnny was pulling him away.

They walked down the short hallway that led to the bedrooms. Johnny and Haechan’s room was the first door on the left. Johnny opened the door and gestured for Jaehyun to go in.

“Everyone is out here,” Jaehyun said, hesitating at the doorway.

“Oh, that’s part of the fun.” Johnny grinned and closed the door behind them.

Jaehyun sat on the edge of Johnny’s bed and watched him cautiously. But at the same time, he really wanted to kiss him. So when Johnny sat down next to him, Jaehyun made the first move.

Johnny tasted like his eggnog but it was much better when Jaehyun licked it from Johnny’s lips. Jaehyun also liked the way Johnny leaned back against his pillows and let Jaehyun take over.

Jaehyun crawled over him, straddling Johnny’s hips and held Johnny’s jaw firmly as he kissed him. Johnny kissed him back, their lips meeting firmly but lazily, taking their time with each other, enjoying each press of their mouths together and Jaehyun adding in little licks on the inside of Johnny’s mouth. Jaehyun liked the way Johnny’s moans against his mouth sent little vibrations of pleasure through his body. He pressed one hand against Johnny’s side, giving it a squeeze as he kissed him harder. Johnny responded in kind, tipping his head back just a bit, opening his mouth for Jaehyun with another deep groan from the back of his throat.

Jaehyun let his hand wander to stroke the side of Johnny’s thigh. Their kisses were becoming more and more frantic, both of them breathing hard, panting through their noses and trading sounds of pleasure between their lips in little whimpers and sighs. Jaehyun was tempted to move his hand over to Johnny’s bulge, just to feel the warmth of his cock through his jeans. But he knew that would be taking it a little too far.

Even though he really wanted to.

Instead, Jaehyun slipped his hand under Johnny’s shirt, enjoying Johnny’s sexy abs way more than he enjoyed his own. Johnny moaned anew as Jaehyun traced his fingers over the grooves. He stuck his finger in Johnny’s belly button.

“Hey!” Johnny yelped and Jaehyun laughed.

“You’re gonna pay for that.” Johnny grinned.

Jaehyun grinned back, kissing Johnny’s neck. Johnny immediately melted under his lips and Jaehyun relished the fact that he had that power over him. He hummed, placing little kisses along Johnny’s neck and then alternating between kissing and nibbling along his jawline.

“Mmmm…” Jaehyun murmured, dragging his tongue along Johnny’s light stubble.

“You like the taste of me, babe?” Johnny mumbled.

“Mmm hmm…” Jaehyun answered, devouring Johnny’s lips again. He was savoring the feel and the soft sounds of their lips smacking together when he heard the door open.

“Uh oh,” Haechan said.

Jaehyun jerked back instantly and slid off Johnny, falling against the wall. Johnny looked annoyed.

“Don’t you knock?” Johnny said.

“Hyung, it’s my room.” Haechan closed the door behind him.

“He’s right.” Jaehyun gave Johnny a look. “Don’t be rude. You should have locked it.”

Johnny sighed. “Sorry, Haechan.”

“I have a key,” Haechan said. “Locking it is not going to keep me out.”

Johnny rolled his eyes as Jaehyun sat up.

“Did I interrupt something?” Haechan smiled sweetly, going over to his side of the room. He opened a drawer. “I forgot my present for Mark.”

Jaehyun sat on the bed next to Johnny again. They were both watching Haechan rifle through his drawer, not finding anything.

“Oh.” Haechan straightened up and turned to face them again. “So, how long has this been going on?” He gestured between the two of them. Jaehyun glanced at Johnny quickly.

“Long enough,” Johnny said. “Why do you want to know?”

“Just wondering. I hadn’t heard and I usually know these things.”

Jaehyun bit back a laugh. Their youngest member was always saying the most outrageous things.

“It’s new,” Johnny said.

“I thought so.” Haechan crossed his arms. “I feel like you guys don’t know something.”

“What are you talking about?” Johnny said.

Haechan gave a little smile and then turned his attention to Jaehyun. “Jungwoo has a crush on you, hyung.”

Jaehyun coughed in surprise as Johnny laughed.

“Now that he says it, I can see it,” Johnny said.

“He doesn’t…” Jaehyun said, although he felt unconvinced. “Wait. Has he told you?”

Haechan shook his head. “No, but it’s totally obvious, hyung. So…” Haechan shrugged a shoulder. “I’d be careful. You know, if you two pay me, I won’t expose you.”

“What?” Jaehyun spat out as Johnny laughed.

“Get out of here,” Johnny said.

“You don’t know when an exposure will happen…” Haechan said in a sing-song voice.

“Haechan, we’re not—” Jaehyun started but Johnny got up and grabbed his wallet.

“Here.” He handed Haechan a bill.

Haechan grinned, but Jaehyun watched the grin slide off his face when he realized what Johnny had given him. “Hyung!” he said, indignantly. “This is a five-dollar bill… American money!”

“Take it or leave it,” Johnny said, sitting next to Jaehyun again.

Haechan scoffed. “I’ll save it for the next time I’m in America.” He pocketed it with a shrug. “I actually already gave Mark his present. I just wanted to see what you two were doing. Bye, hyungs!”

Haechan left the room just as suddenly as he had appeared.

“Help me,” Johnny said. “My roommate.”

Jaehyun was still reeling from what Haechan had told them (and the extortion). He turned to Johnny and shook his head in disbelief.

“How would he know that?” Jaehyun asked.

“Jungwoo gives you puppy dog eyes all the time,” Johnny said. “He probably does have a crush on you.”

“He gives everyone puppy dog eyes.”

“You, especially.”

Jaehyun looked down at Johnny’s clean floor for a moment. Did Jungwoo actually have a crush on him? He tried thinking about on their latest conversations but nothing came to mind. Nothing was different between them. They had always been close friends.

Of course, he used to be just close friends with Johnny and now he wanted to jump him all the time.

Okay, so maybe it was possible for Jungwoo to have a crush on him.

“Oh…” Jaehyun mumbled to himself.

“Hey…” Johnny shook Jaehyun’s shoulder. “What are you thinking? Stop… using your brain.”

Jaehyun chuckled, pressing a hand to the side of his head. “Johnny… what are we doing?”

“Oh no. It’s that brain working.” Johnny turned to him on the bed and moved Jaehyun’s hand before placing both his hand on each side of Jaehyun’s face. “I wanna tell you something.”

“What?” Jaehyun said, smiling wearily. The way Johnny charmed him continued to surprise him.

“First, I want to give you something.” Johnny let Jaehyun go, stood up and reached in his nightstand drawer. Then he tossed Jaehyun a pack of cigarettes. “These are way better than the trash Jungwoo was smoking.”

“Johnny, please.” Jaehyun laughed, tossing the cigarettes back to him.

“I’ll save these for later.” Johnny put the cigarettes back, sat on the bed again and reached under it. “I wanted to ask you this before… we started talking about it. This whole ‘us’ thing, not the smoking.” Johnny found a present under there and gave it to Jaehyun. It was a small, flat box. “This is for you.”

“John…” Jaehyun said, but Johnny shook his head.

“Open it,” he said. “Please.”

Jaehyun unwrapped the box and opened it. Inside was simple gold necklace with a small medallion hanging from the center that had the letter J engraved on it in fancy calligraphy.

“Johnny…” Jaehyun said, half laughing and half touched. “This is… it’s beautiful but really cheesy.”

“I’m a cheesy guy,” Johnny said. “And… I know you like subtle so it’s really subtle. J for Jaehyun. J for Johnny…” He leaned in and kissed the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth. Jaehyun stared at the necklace, smiling harder, a shiver running down his spine.

“Like, I said, I’m cheesy,” Johnny said. “I think asking you to officially be my boyfriend on Christmas is really great for two reasons. One, because it’s an easy anniversary to remember. Two, because it’s Christmas and who doesn’t want a little holiday romance?”

Jaehyun turned his head to face Johnny, pressing their faces close together. His breathing was a little shallow. His heart was racing.

“Besides,” Johnny said. “I could go for really cheesy and wait until February 14th so it’s Valentine’s day _and_ your birthday, but… how can I wait that long?”

Jaehyun snorted a laugh through his nose. He put the box down and placed his hand on the side of Johnny’s face, bringing him into a kiss.

“Yes,” he breathed against Johnny’s lips, because that was what his heart really wanted. Johnny was right. He shouldn’t use his brain so much.

He slid himself onto Johnny’s lap and sank into Johnny’s warm embrace, his warm mouth. He wrapped his arms around Johnny and lost himself there. It felt good to just be lost sometimes.

But he couldn’t let it happen for too long.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said, breaking the kiss.

“Yeah, Jae?” Johnny ran his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair.

“Ummm…” Jaehyun waited for Johnny to meet his eyes. “I don’t wanna tell anyone yet.”

Johnny leaned away and gave Jaehyun a look that he couldn’t quite read, but it wasn’t a happy look.

“I want to tell Jungwoo first,” Jaehyun said. “Myself.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

“When the time is right.”

Johnny stood there stiffly before he took a deep breath.

“Please,” Jaehyun said.

“Fine,” Johnny said. He picked the box off the bed and carefully placed the top back into place. “I’ll keep this until the time is right.”

Jaehyun smiled. He truly hoped Johnny understood. He leaned in and gave Johnny a kiss, then stared into his eyes, meaningfully. “Thanks, baby.”

*

After the Christmas party, Jaehyun followed Jungwoo back to the room and tried to determine if what Haechan had told him was true. Jungwoo seemed a little spacy. Probably the eggnog.

“That was fun,” Jaehyun said, pulling off his Christmas sweater as soon as the door closed behind them. Jungwoo was staring at him but he wasn’t saying anything. After a weird amount of time, Jungwoo piped up with, “Yeah.”

Jaehyun sighed to himself. This conversation wasn’t going to happen tonight. He wanted Jungwoo to be in the right state of mind when he told him about Johnny, not drunk on eggnog.

He walked over to Jungwoo and started taking the stupid post-it notes off him. Most of them had fallen off sometime over the course of the party. He chuckled to himself, balling the little yellow sticky pieces of paper up in his hand.

“Johnny hyung doesn’t always have the best ideas,” Jaehyun commented, for Jungwoo’s sake, but he felt a twinge of something in the pit of his stomach. Johnny was his boyfriend now. It still seemed like a crazy thing that had happened.

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. He just threw his sweater in the trash. He seemed a bit upset.

Yeah, this definitely wasn’t the right time to tell him.

Jaehyun laid in his bed and answered Johnny’s message while Jungwoo was in the bathroom.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Will I see you tonight?

 **JeffreyJae** : I want to but… this is the first night in forever I don’t have to learn lines. So I’m gonna go to sleep.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Gotta get that beauty sleep.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Goodnight, secret boyfriend.

 **JeffreyJae** : Goodnight.

He smiled to himself, plugging his phone onto his charging dock, the one with the big clockface so he could see exactly how much time he had left to sleep when he woke up in the middle of the night.

Jungwoo slunk back into the room and climbed into bed without a word. It wasn’t like him to be so quiet, especially when it was just the two of them. Jaehyun rolled over on his side to look at him, even though Jungwoo had turned off the lights.

“It was a nice Christmas,” Jaehyun said. “But I bet you missed your family. I missed mine, too.”

He waited for Jungwoo to say something but the silence between them just stretched on. He could tell Jungwoo was pretending to be asleep. But he was obviously not asleep.

Jaehyun vowed that he would break the news to Jungwoo at the right moment. Something was going on with Jungwoo. He needed to figure that out first before he could worry about telling him anything that had to do with Johnny.

One more thing on Jaehyun’s plate. He could handle it.

“Goodnight, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said. After a little while, Jaehyun thought he heard Jungwoo sniffling. He would have asked him what was wrong but he was crashing. He couldn’t remember the last time he had more than a couple of hours of sleep.

I’ll do it tomorrow, Jaehyun thought, right before his body shut down and fell hard into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun finds Jungwoo sick in the middle of the night. The boys complete their last rehearsal for the Beyond Live concert. Taeyong has an announcement.
> 
> TW:  
> Vomiting

Jaehyun jerked awake when his alarm sounded. He reached over quickly to turn it off and then stared at the numbers 3:00 that stared at him in the darkness.

Four hours of sleep instead of two tonight.

He felt so refreshed.

Yeah, right.

Jaehyun yawned, trying to summon the strength to leave his warm and cozy bed when his phone flashed with a notification for a new message.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Good morning!

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’m awake. I never went to bed.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Wanted to be the first one to greet you this morning and cheer you on. My hard working, sexy actor.

Jaehyun smiled, the events of last night rushing back to him. Not only the heat of making out with Johnny but how sweet he was when he gave Jaehyun that necklace. The necklace was still over in Johnny’s room, but it excited him all the same. He’d tell Jungwoo soon.

He glanced over at Jungwoo’s bed.

It was empty.

Weird.

Jaehyun turned back to his phone.

 **JefferyJae** : Morning, John.

 **JefferyJae** : I’m half dead but I’m here.

Johnny responded to him immediately. Jaehyun told himself he wasn’t going to look at the texts until he was out of bed. He put on his robe and his slippers and padded down the hallway into the kitchen. Maybe Jungwoo was in there. Sometimes when one of them had to wake up early, they met in the kitchen and shared a midnight snack. It would be normal if they were in college or something to stay up late, talking and eating junk food. It was a nice to pretend that instead of thinking too hard about how they had to get up at ungodly hours just to go to work. He knew he should be grateful. It just sucked.

The kitchen was empty.

Jaehyun flipped on the lights, looking over the messy space. The coffee cup he used yesterday was still in the sink, along with an assortment of other random dishes. He fished it out, rinsed it out half-heartedly with a semi-used napkin he found and set it on the counter. Jaehyun loved Johnny’s French Press because he had an appreciation for coffee, too. He would use one himself but he never had the time. Instead, he dropped a pod in and turned on the Keurig. He read Johnny’s texts while he was waiting.

 **JohnYoungHO** : You know what I do when I wake up early and I have some time to myself in the dorm?

 **JohnYoungHO** : I take a nice long hot shower and jerk off

 **JohnYoungHO** : You should try it!

 **JohnYoungHO** : Think about me and then tell me all about it tonight…

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’ll make you fantasy come true.

Jaehyun snorted a little, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth, trying to keep it down. He had to admit, what Johnny suggested was tempting. He could think about Johnny towering over him, staring in his eyes and then slowly moving down, down, down, hands on Jaehyun’s hips, until he was on his knees, Johnny’s pretty mouth leaning forward to slowly swallow down his—

Jaehyun took a step forward to grab his coffee and his foot slipped on something. He grabbed the counter, looking down.

It was a chicken bone.

Jaehyun picked it up in disgust. There were also smears of something all over the counter, but he didn’t clean that up. He and his roommates really were slobs. They should do something about it.

He pressed the button and watched the machine pour out his subpar coffee. If Johnny lived in this dorm, he’d ask Johnny to make his coffee while Jaehyun was taking a shower. But right now, he had to do everything by himself.

He was used to it.

He answered Johnny after taking a couple sips to wake up.

 **JeffreyJae** : Hmmm tempting

 **JohnYoungHO** : Try it. If you don’t jerk off in the shower, where do you jerk off?

 **JeffreyJae** : I have my ways

Jaehyun shook his head to himself. What a conversation for three in the morning. But it did help wake him up.

 **JohnYoungHO** : You and Jungwoo probably have a jerk off schedule

 **JohnYoungHO** : I wanna take a nice long shower with you

 **JohnYoungHO** : When are we going to make that happen?

 **JohnYoungHO** : In the locker rooms?

Jaehyun had to suppress another laugh, answering quickly.

 **JeffreyJae** : NO

 **JeffreyJae** : Haechan will walk in.

Jaehyun opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water. He took one from the side and then looked over their usually empty fridge bathed in the bright light that only appeared when you opened it. Strange. He swore that they took home a bunch of leftover from the Christmas party. But maybe he just imagined it. He hadn’t really been paying attention at the end of the party. He was sort of on a Johnny high.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’m gonna find a way to keep that kid out I swear

 **JohnYoungHO** : Mr. I-have-a-key. I’m gonna change the fucking locks

Jaehyun smiled, sipping his coffee. It was already after 3:15. Talking to Johnny was making him move slowly but it was worth it.

He put his coffee cup down and walked towards the bathroom. But as he got closer, he heard something strange. Some coughing noises, gagging, splashing.

Sounds of someone getting sick.

Jungwoo, Jaehyun thought. That was why his bed was empty.

He locked his phone, slipped it in his robe pocket and hurried to the bathroom. He knocked and pushed it open at the same time. The lights were off but Jaehyun could still spot the top of Jungwoo’s head, hunched over the toilet.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun flipped the lights on and hurried over to Jungwoo in front of the toilet. Jungwoo’s head popped up and he looked more surprised than sick for a moment. But he was obviously very sick. There was vomit all over the seat and the back of the toilet. The smell was foul. Jaehyun told himself to ignore that as he knelt next to Jungwoo and rubbed his back.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked. “What happened? Are you sick?”

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. Just like he’d been a couple of times last night, he seemed like he was in another world. Which was understandable since he’d been throwing up. Jaehyun continued to rub Jungwoo’s back, worry squirming it’s way into the pit of Jaehyun’s stomach. What if Jungwoo was really sick?

No, it was probably just the eggnog that Johnny spiked. Jaehyun clenched his jaw.

“Did you drink too much?” Jaehyun said. “It was the eggnog, right? I told Johnny he put too much rum in it.”

Jungwoo nodded and Jaehyun closed his eyes for a moment. He heard Johnny saying _I know what I’m doing_! He hoped no one else had gotten sick like this. It was the day of their dress rehearsals. They really couldn’t afford half the team going down. Almost all of them were drinking last night.

Why did Jaehyun always have to be the responsible one?

“I’m sorry. It sneaks up on you. It’s not your fault.” Jaehyun reassured Jungwoo while he rubbed little circles on his back. Jungwoo still looked out of it but Jaehyun figured getting it out of his system would help. It would explain why Jungwoo was so spacy last night, more than usual.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked, softly. “Are you done?”

Jungwoo nodded but then a second later, he was spewing again. Jaehyun continued to rub his back and winced. It was hard seeing him get so sick. Kind of gross, too.

Oh Johnny. Jaehyun felt his phone in his pocket, buzzing. Johnny was going to hear about this.

When Jungwoo finally seemed done, Jaehyun got up and got a washcloth to clean him up with. He wiped the seat down with toilet paper and flushed the toilet. He heard Jungwoo whisper that he was sorry but he wished that he wouldn’t apologize. Everyone had a bad, drunken night like this. Especially when someone spiked the punch.

Jaehyun helped Jungwoo stand up and rinse his mouth out at the sink. He noticed that Jungwoo was shaking all over. Jaehyun felt the anger setting in but he tried not to show it.

“Lay down…” Jaehyun said, itching to grab his phone but he would have to wait. “I’m going to get you some water and aspirin. And I’ll get you the trashcan, so if you need to get sick again, you don’t have to get up. It’s okay.”

“Did I wake you up?” Jungwoo croaked out.

“No… my alarm. It’s 3am. My schedules start at 4.”

Jungwoo tried to protest, but Jaehyun just led him back to their room to lay down. Then he hurried to the kitchen to get Jungwoo’s water. He pulled out his phone, ignoring all the texts Johnny had set him while he was dealing with Jungwoo.

 **JeffreyJae** : Call me. Now.

Jaehyun hurried back to the room with the water, pills and a small trashcan he’d found in the laundry room. He sat on the edge of Jungwoo’s bed and made sure he took the pills and got comfortable. Jungwoo kept trying to apologize.

“Go to sleep,” Jaehyun whispered. Jungwoo would feel better if he slept this off.

“Hyung—” He heard Jungwoo say but at the same time, his phone rang and Jaehyun immediately answered it.

“Yes, John,” he said, without even looking at the caller ID.

“You told me to call you!” Johnny said. He was whispering. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I told you—” Jaehyun cut himself off. He glanced at Jungwoo. He switched to English. “I told you that you put too much rum in that stuff, John.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who’s there? Jungwoo?”

Jaehyun glanced back at his roommate, who had turned over on his side, facing the wall now. He touched Jungwoo’s hair and leaned in to whisper to him in Korean, “get some sleep,” before he got up and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Yeah, he was. I found him in the bathroom, puking his guts out.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, I think so…” Jaehyun went back to the kitchen and took a sip of his coffee. It didn’t do much for his shaking hands.

“Okay, that’s good,” Johnny said. “It’s fine. It happens.”

“No, I told you that you put too much rum in it, Johnny.”

“Why are you getting mad at me?”

Jaehyun sat down on a chair and huffed. He didn’t know why. But there was something about seeing Jungwoo in there that freaked him out. He wasn’t scared of vomit or anything. Like Johnny said, it happened. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong… something more than being overserved at a Christmas party.

Jaehyun couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Because I warned you that this was going to happen,” Jaehyun said, deciding to pursue this feeling instead. At least he could figure this out.

“I didn’t put _that_ much rum in it, I swear, Jaehyun. You saw me. I babysat that punch bowl all night. I didn’t serve Jungwoo more than one glass. If he got more, that’s on him. Plus, there was other alcohol there.”

“I didn’t see him drink anything else,” Jaehyun said.

“You’re not his keeper. Maybe he wanted to get wasted. He’s allowed. He’s 22 years old! Don’t take this out on me.”

Jaehyun shook his head. Something was wrong about this. “Johnny, I just know that kind of drink sneaks up on you.”

“Mark had more than one and he’s fine, right? Mark isn’t exactly a world champion drinker.” Jaehyun listened to Johnny sigh on the other side of the phone. “Jae, it’s just a bad night. Don’t worry about Jungwoo. He’ll be fine. But I didn’t do anything but try to show people a good time.”

Sometimes, Jaehyun wondered if that was all Johnny cared about. A good time. He knew that wasn’t true. He was quickly slipping into a bad mood. Jaehyun needed to get out of this.

“Okay, John, I gotta go,” he said. “Bye.”

He hung up before Johnny could say another word.

Jaehyun downed the rest of his coffee and left the kitchen. He checked on Mark, slowly pushing his bedroom door open. Mark was asleep on his bed, cuddling some stuffed animal. He was obviously fine.

Jaehyun went back to his room. Jungwoo was still in the same position he left him, curled up on his side, facing the wall, not moving. He seemed okay for now.

The bathroom was another story. It was not okay. Jaehyun returned, surveying the mess on the back of the toilet and some on the floor. He found rubber gloves stashed under the sink, some cleaning solution, and proceeded with cleaning up the bathroom like he’d never done before. It was the least Jaehyun could do to make up for not keeping a better eye on Jungwoo.

He swore he’d do better by his friend.

He didn’t have time for a shower. After all that, he barely had time to get dressed before his manager arrived to pick him up.

In the car, he texted Taeil, asking him to check on Jungwoo in the morning, though he didn’t tell him exactly why.

Then he leaned his head back against his seat, closed his eyes, and tried to focus on the next thing on his schedule.

*

Johnny met Jaehyun outside again when he arrived to the Beyond Live studio after his filming schedule. Johnny was wearing his outfit for the Work It performance. Jaehyun knew he needed to hurry up and get dressed. They were doing a full dress rehearsal today. There was no time to waste in the locker room with Johnny.

“Hey,” Johnny said, walking next to Jaehyun as he walked inside. “I talked to Jungwoo.”

Jaehyun looked over at him.

“He said he didn’t drink that much. He said the eggnog didn’t agree with him. I’ll never make it again, okay? Are you still mad?”

Jaehyun walked in the locker room and dumped his stuff on a bench. There was no use changing into practice clothes since he needed to put on his stage clothes. He began putting everything in a locker.

“How can we be fighting on the second day?” Johnny asked. “Explain that to me.”

Jaehyun looked at Johnny, reluctantly. That face was always enough to melt him.

“We’re not fighting,” Jaehyun said. “I’m just tired. And I was really worried about Jungwoo. I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”

“I understand.” Johnny reached out for Jaehyun’s hand. “Come here.”

Johnny pulled him into a hug. A tight, secure, full bodied hug, with Johnny’s chin tucked over the top of Jaehyun’s head. He sunk into Johnny.

Jaehyun didn’t realize how much he needed that.

“Ohhhh…” Johnny said, as he squeezed Jaehyun so tight he thought he might pop. He wouldn’t hate it. “It must have been upsetting… seeing Jungwoo sick like that.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun whispered, holding onto Johnny. It had been scary. Maybe that was another reason he was getting mad at Johnny. He sighed, feeling stupid.

“I hate puke,” Johnny said. “I’d be freaking out. But if it was you, I’d think it was cute. I bet you’re adorable when you’re throwing up.”

“Johnnnn-ny!” Jaehyun whined, but he was laughing too as he leaned away to look at his boyfriend. He held his gaze for a moment. “Thank you,” he said, softly.

“What are boyfriends for?” Johnny kissed the top of his head and then his lips, softly.

Jaehyun didn’t actually know what boyfriends were for. He’d never bothered to be serious with anyone. Or semi-serious. Not too serious. This wasn’t too serious, right? Wait, how serious was it when you started calling someone your boyfriend?

Jaehyun shook his head. There was so much to worry about. He wasn’t going to start worrying about this. He liked Johnny, Johnny liked him, that was it. That was all he was going to worry about now.

“I need to find wardrobe,” Jaehyun said. Johnny let him go, took his hand and gave it a pat.

“I’ll take you there,” Johnny said.

*

“Hyung!”

Jaehyun turned around as he was walking to his position backstage to wait for his cue for the 7th Sense stage. Mark hurried over to him.

“Hi hyung,” he said. “I was just… I wanted to ask you, uh—” Mark switched to English randomly. “So, like, the food? From the party last night? That we took home? It’s missing. And I was wondering if you, like, knew where it was? Because we can’t find it and Doyoung is gonna be really mad if we don’t return his Tupperware.”

Jaehyun stood there for a moment. The switch from Korean to English caught him off guard and the whole topic was out of the blue, so he was caught completely off guard and not understanding anything. Finally, he just said, “What?”

The stage manager called places for the 7th Sense. Mark ran ahead of him. “Yeah, forget it, hyung! Don’t say anything to Doyoung.”

Jaehyun followed him, shaking his head as he got into position beside Ten.

“Hey,” Ten said, when he saw Jaehyun. “How’s Jungwoo?”

“Fine…” Jaehyun said, turning to look Ten over. It was another random question.

“I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him,” Ten said. Jaehyun knew Ten was like in 15 stages in a row at the top of the show so that made sense. “But I heard he was sick last night. Eggnog?”

Jaehyun blinked. How was this getting around? He’d only told Johnny and he knew Johnny wasn’t into gossip.

“Just heard people talking about,” Ten said.

“He’s fine,” Jaehyun said, quickly.

“Good,” Ten said. “I’m gonna check on him when I get a break.”

“When do you get a break again?” Jaehyun asked, giving Ten an amused look. Ten laughed.

“I love it,” Ten said. Jaehyun could tell that he truly did. Jaehyun envied that sometimes. The love Ten had for being busy instead of feeling overwhelmed.

Jaehyun knew he was in a lucky position. He tried not to let himself forget it.

He wanted to check on Jungwoo himself. But the next four stages in the set list involved him. He had no breaks.

Work always came first.

After dress rehearsal, they all ate dinner together. Jaehyun made sure to sit with Jungwoo, bringing Johnny with him. Most of the 127 members joined them. Everyone was noisy and rowdy, hyped up from the performance. Jaehyun was starving so he decided to get a little more than a salad. Jaehyun liked the way Johnny didn’t do anything obvious, just nudged his foot under the table to let Jaehyun know that he was thinking of him. Johnny gave Jaehyun’s thigh the smallest squeeze. Jaehyun moved his hand over Johnny’s hand on his thigh and then laced their fingers together. It felt good and even though he wanted to tell everyone eventually, he kind of liked that Johnny was just his for a little while.

“Hyung, why aren’t you eating?” Haechan said loudly. Jaehyun looked over to see which “hyung” he was referring to at a table full of hyungs.

Haechan was looking at Jungwoo.

Jaehyun felt his stomach drop. Dress rehearsal had ended a half hour ago. They’d been sitting right here at dinner but Jaehyun still hadn’t checked on his roommate. Instead, he was secretly canoodling under the table with Johnny.

Jaehyun tugged his hand away.

“That’s a first,” Yuta remarked. They were all looking at Jungwoo now.

“Are you still feeling sick?” Jaehyun asked, leaning towards Jungwoo. Shit, he should have checked on him.

“I’m gonna regret making that eggnog for the rest of my life,” Johnny mumbled beside him.

“As you should, hyung,” Haechan said, smartly. Johnny glared at him.

“I liked it,” Mark said, so now the entire table was involved in the conversation. “I feel fine.”

Jungwoo got up suddenly, scraping his chair back with a sharp sound before he marched over to the catering table.

“I just asked him why he wasn’t eating,” Haechan said, innocently.

“Did you tell everyone about the whole eggnog thing?” Jaehyun asked, suddenly realizing the source. Haechan gave a shrug.

“If hyung doesn’t want me to overhear a conversation he has at three in the morning, then hyung should leave the room,” Haechan said, looking at Johnny. Johnny groaned.

Jaehyun turned to go after Jungwoo but Johnny placed a hand on his knee. Jaehyun looked up at him. Johnny shook his head, slightly.

Jaehyun looked over his shoulder at Jungwoo picking out noodles. Maybe he was feeling better. Jaehyun leaned back in his seat and tried to relax.

When Johnny tried to take his hand again, Jaehyun kept his hand in his lap.

Jungwoo came back with a random assortment of food. Jaehyun took a pork bun off his plate and put it on Jungwoo’s plate. He probably shouldn’t eat it anyway. He tried to catch Jungwoo’s eye, but Jungwoo was staring at his plate. A lot of the others followed suit, giving Jungwoo some of their food.

Jungwoo ate it all.

It almost made Jaehyun feel better.

*

“Heyyyyy…” Johnny pulled Jaehyun aside on the way back to the locker rooms. “You’ve barely said anything to me since we started dress rehearsal. What was up with you at dinner?”

“Sorry,” Jaehyun said and he truly was sorry. He flattened himself against the wall as the others hurried past them.

“Make it up to me and come to my room,” Johnny said. “Now. Ride in the van with me.”

“I don’t know…” Jaehyun said. He watched Jungwoo walk past them, joining the others to get their stuff.

“Jaehyun…” Johnny held Jaehyun’s face gently. Jaehyun looked up Johnny’s gentle eyes. “Not all night. Just a little while. I wanna spend some time with you. Do you have lines?”

Jaehyun shook his head. Thankfully, another filming day without scene changes. Jaehyun knew not to get used to it.

“Then it’ll just be us. I’ll pay Haechan to stay out of the room. He responds to money.”

Jaehyun smiled a little. How could he not smile with Johnny looking at him like that, like Jaehyun was the most important thing in the world?

How did Johnny do that?

How did he forget about everything else?

“Jaehyun,” Johnny said again. “He’s fine, okay? Give him some space. You can check on him tonight when you go to bed.”

Jaehyun felt a bit shy and a bit relieved that Johnny knew what he was thinking. He wrapped his arms around Johnny again, leaning into him. The hallway was empty. He pressed his head against Johnny’s chest and breathed in the arousing scent of his sweat.

“Okay,” Jaehyun allowed himself to say.

Jaehyun sat with Johnny in the back row of the 5th floor van after Johnny paid Haechan twenty thousand won to stay out of their room for two hours. Haechan sat in the middle, counting his money. Doyoung sat in one of the bucket seats, checking his watch. They sat there for a long time, even as the 10th floor van drove away.

“What’s taking so long?” Johnny groaned. He held Jaehyun’s hand and kissed it every now and then. Jaehyun leaned against his side.

Finally, Taeyong got in the van and the manager climbed in the driver’s seat, starting to drive off.

“What happened?” Doyoung asked Taeyong, but they could all hear him.

“I needed to talk to the other group,” Taeyong said. “Jungwoo didn’t want to go home on the van.”

“What?” Jaehyun asked, butting in but not caring as he leaned forward.

Taeyong glanced back at him. “He said he needed to do something.”

“What?” Jaehyun repeated. It wasn’t like Jungwoo to just go off by himself. Jaehyun quickly pulled out his phone but he had no new texts.

“I trust him,” Taeyong said. “I told him to be back soon.”

“What can Jungwoo possibly get into?” Johnny said. “He probably wanted to try out the Christmas flavor at Baskin Robbins. I think this is the last day for it.” Johnny tugged Jaehyun back against him and slung his arm around him. “Relax…” He said, looking down at Jaehyun and kissing the top of his head.

Jaehyun sank back against Johnny and tried to do what he said.

But when they got back to the dorm, he texted Jungwoo anyway.

 **JeffreyJae** : Hey roomie, where are you?

No response.

Jaehyun followed Johnny to his room and sat on Johnny’s bed as Johnny closed the door and locked it. Johnny looked back across the room at Jaehyun. He stood at the door and removed his shirt, watching Jaehyun the whole time.

Jaehyun swallowed hard, looking him over.

“Let me…” Johnny said in a low, husky voice. “Help you…” He moved to the bed, crawling over Jaehyun as Jaehyun reached up to dig his fingernails into Johnny’s bare sides. Jaehyun let a quiet moan slip from between his lips as Johnny pressed his weight on top of him. He met Johnny’s mouth in a heated kiss, his eyes closed tight, his heart racing.

“Relax,” Johnny breathed against his lips before he kissed Jaehyun again and slid his hand between Jaehyun’s thighs.

*

There was a knock on the door.

“Haechan, we have thirty more minutes!” Johnny yelled.

“It’s me,” Doyoung said. “Haechan wouldn’t knock. Will you two please come out here and meet us in Taeyong’s room?”

Jaehyun looked back at Johnny over his shoulder. They’d only been spooning for the past five minutes after they finished. Had Doyoung been listening or something? Because the timing was a little too perfect.

“You think they heard us?” Jaehyun whispered.

“No.” Johnny sighed, giving Jaehyun a squeeze. “But I’m going to ask Haechan for a five-thousand won refund.”

Johnny cleaned them both up with baby wipes and a small towel. The secret was obviously out, at least for the 5th floor dorm members. Jaehyun didn’t want it to be a secret anyway. He reminded himself he needed to tell Jungwoo about Johnny tonight. He’d do so when he got back to their room. First thing.

They got dressed and left the room a few minutes later. Jaehyun was surprised to see Taeil and Yuta standing against the wall in Taeyong’s room. Doyoung was sitting on the edge of Taeyong’s bed, his legs crossed, chewing on his thumb cuticle. Taeyong was sitting on his bed as well, shirtless with an ice pack attached to his lower back with a bunch of plastic wrap that was tightly wrapped around his torso. He smiled when they came in. It was a tight fit with the six of them in there. Jaehyun gave Johnny a questioning look. Johnny answered him with a shrug. Jaehyun let Johnny sit on the bed and he went to stand with Taeil and Yuta.

“How are our snail friends?” Johnny asked Taeyong, pleasantly.

“Living well,” Taeyong said. “As I hope you all do.”

Doyoung coughed from the bed.

The silence and the tension spread. No one said anything.

“Taeyong, we feel like we’re going to a funeral,” Johnny finally said.

Taeyong laughed, but it wasn’t happy. Jaehyun clenched his nails into the palm of his fist.

‘Sorry,” Taeyong said. “I didn’t mean to make the mood so down.”

“Just tell them,” Doyoung said, uncrossing his legs and crossing them again the other way. “You can’t always keep everyone happy.”

Taeyong nodded, tersely. Jaehyun tried to catch Johnny’s eye again, but he was staring at Taeyong.

“Okay,” Taeyong said. “Well, I have some news and I’m going to break it tonight.” He took a deep breath. Jaehyun’s heart nearly dropped to the floor, imagining all the things Taeyong could say.

“I’m stopping all activities starting tomorrow,” Taeyong said, to the eerily quiet room. “I won’t be participating in the concert tomorrow or anything after that.” He set his jaw, pausing for a moment. “My back… it’s gotten to a point where I can’t continue. I’m… going to have surgery in late February. I probably won’t be back…” He trailed off. Jaehyun stopped breathing for a moment.

“I probably won’t be back for a long time,” Taeyong finished and when he did, he looked so tired.

Doyoung leaned forward and put his face in his hands.

No one said anything for a moment.

“I told him not to do the dress rehearsal,” Doyoung said, his voice muffled.

Jaehyun felt frozen. Was the dress rehearsal the reason he needed to have surgery? Surgery! Back surgery. It was so serious. Jaehyun felt scared. For Taeyong and for the rest of the group. They all really relied on Taeyong as their leader. Now he was going to be gone not for a few days, not for a few weeks, but months.

“Wow, Taeyong,” Johnny said, breaking the silence once again. “That is so serious. I am so sorry.”

The other members chimed with the same sentiment but Jaehyun couldn’t talk. He stayed leaning against the wall.

Taeyong held up a hand and nodded. “Thank you but… I wanted to tell you all first because I need your help. I’m going to tell all the other members tonight and I have some gifts prepared. I hope it’s nice for them. I want you to help me keep everyone’s spirits up after the announcement. We have a really big show tomorrow. There’s nothing more important than that.”

Work comes first. Jaehyun bit the inside of his bottom lip as the thought came to mind, again. No time for emotions. No time to freak out that his leader, his teammate, his _friend_ was about to have surgery on his back. Surgery that if it went wrong could leave him hurt or disabled or… worse.

Jaehyun didn’t know it had gotten that bad.

“I hope you will all be an example,” Taeyong said. “And give everyone the support they need. I’m really counting on you. I feel so bad about this.” Taeyong’s voice cracked a little and Jaehyun’s heart cracked with it. God, he was only thinking about himself but Taeyong was the one going through this huge, scary, debilitating thing. Jaehyun swallowed hard and willed himself to be strong. He would be the person Taeyong expected him to be. Totally reliable, an example for the others, picking up the slack, never missing a beat.

He wouldn’t let NCT falter with Taeyong gone.

The meeting broke up a few minutes later after everyone made their promises to do exactly as Taeyong asked. Taeyong planned to talk to the rest of the team in about a half hour. They were getting together in a party room that was available on the first floor of the apartment building.

“Will you guys help me take these down?” Doyoung asked. He opened Taeyong’s closet to reveal stacks of presents wrapped in vibrant green wrapping paper. Everyone began pitching in, grabbing a handful. Jaehyun unrooted himself from the wall and stepped over to join them.

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong said. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” Jaehyun turned around and nodded at his leader. He waited until everyone was gone and then went to sit at the foot of Taeyong’s bed.

“How are you?” Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun blinked. He didn’t expect the question. It was the last thing Taeyong should be asking. He needed to be focused on himself. Jaehyun wasn’t going to tell him the truth.

“I’m fine, hyung,” he said, in a soft voice. “We will do whatever is needed while you’re gone.”

Taeyong nodded, once. “I know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. It’s about Jungwoo.”

Jaehyun bit the inside of his cheek. Where was his roommate? He still hadn’t answered his text.

“When I let him go tonight,” Taeyong said. “He seemed… I don’t know. A bit off. But I could tell that whatever he needed to do was serious, so I let him go…” Taeyong trailed off again and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he opened them, looking at Jaehyun seriously. “I’m not sure it was the right decision.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Jaehyun stuttered out. He was going to call Jungwoo immediately. He needed to come home anyway.

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure he’s fine but… I still worry. So please…”

“Of course, I will,” Jaehyun said. “I’ll keep an eye on him, hyung. You don’t have to say anything. I’ll make sure he’s okay. No problem.”

Taeyong smiled and he looked relieved. Jaehyun was happy to take off some of the pressure. He gave Taeyong a careful hug before he left.

Jaehyun called Jungwoo once he was in the hallway. The call rang straight through to voicemail. He didn’t leave a message. Jungwoo didn’t listen to them. He texted Jungwoo again.

 **JeffreyJae** : Are you coming home soon? It’s important.

Nothing.

“Hey.” Johnny appeared again, rubbing the small of Jaehyun’s back. “Help me change my sheets before Haechan comes back?”

They stripped Johnny’s bed and put new sheets on, throwing the old ones in Johnny’s hamper. Johnny lit one of the candles that he’d gotten for his Secret Santa present. Once everything was clean, Johnny opened the door. They sat together on the floor. Jaehyun kept checking his phone.

“Who’s texting you? I’m right here,” Johnny said.

“Waiting for Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, clutching his phone tightly.

“He hasn’t answered you?”

“Nope.”

Johnny reached for Jaehyun’s hand, slotting their fingers together.

“How are you feeling?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun shook his head. He didn’t want to think about his feelings right now. Not when Taeyong still had to tell the rest of the guys. Not when Jungwoo still wasn’t home.

He didn’t trust himself.

“This really sucks,” Johnny said, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s middle. “I feel so bad for Taeyong. He must be in so much pain. He never shows it.”

Jaehyun nodded. He knew how hard that had to be.

“It’s part of the job,” Jaehyun said.

“To be a robot?” Johnny gave Jaehyun a sideways look. “No, it’s not.”

Jaehyun didn’t want to say anything snide so he didn’t say anything at all. Instead, he turned to Johnny and kissed him. Johnny kissed him back, but he was obviously surprised.

“Our time’s up,” Johnny reminded him. “I only paid for two hours.”

“Haechan’s seen us kissing before. If he comes back, we’ll stop,” Jaehyun whispered against Johnny’s lips.

Jaehyun lost himself there, Johnny’s soft mouth over his.

He didn’t want to think anything anymore.

His phone still didn’t ring.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun waits for Jungwoo to come home.

They waited another half hour before Doyoung insisted that they go have the conversation with the rest of the team.

Jaehyun tried calling Jungwoo one more time.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

“He’s fine,” Johnny said, as they rode the elevator down with the others to where they were meeting up with the rest of the NCT members. Usually, when all 23 of them got together, it was like a party. Even the new members Sungchan and Shotaro fit in right away. But now felt different. Everyone knew that something serious was going on.

Jaehyun let Johnny do his big brother thing, sitting with a bunch of the younger members. He went to sit by himself near the back. He looked at his phone, silent save for the notifications from various apps. He sent another text.

 **JeffreyJae** : Hey, really worried about you. Answer me, Jungwoo.

Doyoung and Taeil gave out Taeyong’s presents like they were Santa Claus. Everyone opened them to discover an expensive pair of black silk pajamas with their name embroidered on the front. It was too much. Jaehyun looked at their leader and shook his head.

Finally, Taeyong made the announcement that he was going to be absent from the Beyond Live concert and the rest of activities for the time being. Everyone seemed surprised. There were a few tears.

Jaehyun noticed he didn’t anything about the surgery.

The meeting wrapped up soon after that. Taeyong told everyone to prepare for the concert and not to worry about him. Easier said than done, Jaehyun thought. Plus, he was worried about Jungwoo, too.

Finally, his phone chimed with a text. Jaehyun’s heart lifted.

It was a message from his manager.

 _No filming tomorrow_ , it read. _Cameraman tested positive._

Jaehyun bit his thumbnail for a moment and then breathed a sigh of relief.

“What’s up?” Johnny asked, suddenly behind him. “Jungwoo?”

Jaehyun looked back at him and shook his head, quickly. “I don’t have to film tomorrow,”

“That’s good. You deserve a day off.”

“Someone tested positive for COVID,” Jaehyun clarified.

“As long as it’s not you.” Johnny kissed the side of his head and walked with him out of the room.

Haechan was waiting for them outside the meeting room. “Hyung, I have a proposition for you,” he said, looking at Johnny.

“Oh God.” Johnny groaned.

“Mark said manager hyung is going to be out of the dorm this weekend,” Haechan said. “I will go have a sleepover all weekend in Mark’s room if you pay for our pizza.”

“Done.” Johnny pulled out his wallet and handed Haechan a 50,000 won bill.

“Sweet!” Haechan ran away, presumably before Johnny could change his mind.

“John, why do you have so much cash on you?” Jaehyun asked, looking at him, amused.

Johnny grinned and slung an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders. “So worth it. You and me, all weekend.”

Jaehyun pulled away, shaking his head, slightly. “I didn’t agree to that.”

Johnny’s face fell. “What?”

“I want to see Jungwoo tonight. I want to wait for him to get back and talk to him.”

“Jaehyun—”

“John….”

They both trailed off and stared at each other. Johnny looked away, first.

“Do what you have to do,” Johnny said.

*

When Jaehyun got back to the 10th floor dorm, everything was quiet. Mark was in his room, probably with Haechan. Taeil was in his room. Yuta sat on the couch in the living room.

Jungwoo wasn’t there.

Jaehyun checked their room for any signs of him but it was the same as he’d left it that morning. He briefly considered going through his roommate’s things but… it wasn’t like he was taking drugs or something. Jungwoo wouldn’t do anything like that. Jaehyun was sure he had nothing to hide.

There was nothing else to do but wait.

Jaehyun sat with Yuta in the living room and they watched something mindless on TV. Yuta seemed like he was a million miles away. Jaehyun had no idea what was on his mind but he felt the same way.

Jaehyun checked his phone.

No text from Jungwoo.

A new text from Johnny.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Hey, I wanted to tell you something.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you as my fellow trainee and then my bandmate, my friend, radio hosts! and now, my boyfriend.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Your loyal, generous heart is something I’ve always admired.

 **JohnYoungHO** : And I really like that about you.

 **JohnYoungHO:** I will never stand in the way of you doing the things you want to do or need to do.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I will always support you.

 **JohnYoungHO** : But I want you to know that I am here for you. When you need help, I want to help you. I want to be there for you.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Let me be there for you.

Jaehyun bit his lip, reading over Johnny’s words. Strangely, he felt like he was going to cry. He sat there and took a deep breath.

“Yuta?” Jaehyun said. “Will you tell us when Jungwoo gets home?”

Yuta nodded. “I’ll message the group chat,” he said, referencing the chat they had for the 6 oldest members of NCT 127.

“Thanks.”

Jaehyun got up and went to his room. He grabbed a backpack and put his skincare bag in, along with his toothbrush, some clothes and the new pajamas from Taeyong.

Then he texted Johnny back.

 **JeffreyJae** : I’m coming

*

It was after 11 when Jaehyun and Johnny’s phones buzzed at the same time with the KakaoTalk notification. They were lounging on the couch, Johnny’s arms around Jaehyun, watching Elf. Johnny checked his phone first.

“Yuta said Jungwoo came back,” Johnny reported.

“Oh, thank goodness.” Jaehyun would have jumped to his feet but he was too comfortable to jump up that fast.

“You should see him, babe,” Johnny said, kissing the side of Jaehyun’s face. Jaehyun nodded as Taeyong walked stiffly in the room.

“Not yet,” Taeyong said. “Can I see him first, Jaehyun? I want to talk to him.”

Doyoung walked in behind Taeyong with his arms crossed. “This is a bad idea,” he said. “Can’t you just call him? It’s his fault he missed the meeting.”

Taeyong shook his head. “No, I want to talk to him myself.” He was holding one of the presents he’d given to everyone. “And give him this.”

Doyoung groaned and stomped back to his room.

Taeyong smiled, sheepishly. “That okay, Jaehyun?”

“Of course,” Jaehyun said, quickly.

“You gonna be okay?” Johnny raised an eyebrow, looking at Taeyong.

“Yeah,” Taeyong said. “Thanks, guys.”

After they watched Taeyong leave, Jaehyun sunk back against Johnny with a sigh of relief.

“I told you he was going to be okay.” Johnny said. “I told you he was coming back.”

“I hope he’s okay…” Jaehyun mumbled. He felt anxious to see Jungwoo and ask him what happened but Taeyong would have it handled.

“He’s fine. Like I said, he probably went to get ice cream… lost track of time.”

But why didn’t he answer me? Jaehyun thought. He didn’t say that, though. Instead, he tipped his head back, closed his eyes and let Johnny give him a kiss.

Johnny was falling asleep by the time Taeyong came back, but Jaehyun was wired. He got up and met Taeyong at the doorway.

“How is he?” he asked Taeyong before he fully stepped inside.

“He’s…” Taeyong paused, like he was searching for the right words. “Tired, I guess. I don’t know. Something’s bothering me. I’m not sure what it is. I asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn’t really talk to me. It’s not like him.”

Jaehyun nodded, his heart beating a little faster.

“He didn’t say where he went, and I didn’t ask. But he looked really pale, so I got him some tea. He still seemed a bit sick. I think he needs sleep.”

“ _You_ got Jungwoo tea?” Doyoung said, suddenly appearing behind Jaehyun. “ _You_ told Jungwoo he needs sleep? You, Taeyong, you?” They both watched Doyoung, who was becoming more and more exasperated. “You! The one who isn’t resting right now, who’s been running around all day. The one who needs tea, the one who needs to rest. The doctors told you to rest. Get to bed. I swear, I’m gonna…”

“Okay,” Taeyong said, quickly. He flashed Jaehyun a not-quite-reassuring smile. “Thanks for looking after Jungwoo for me.”

Jaehyun nodded. Then he left the apartment, running up the five flights to the 10th floor dorm.

When he entered, everything was quiet, dark. Everyone had gone to bed. There weren’t even any giggles from Mark’s room. Jaehyun walked quickly to his room, opened the door and turned on the lights.

Jungwoo was in bed, asleep. The mug of tea Taeyong had gotten him sat on his nightstand, half-empty. He was wearing his new pajamas from Taeyong.

Jaehyun moved closer and carefully sat on the edge of Jungwoo’s bed. He’d know if Jungwoo was faking by now. But Jungwoo didn’t stir. He was asleep, deeply asleep. Jaehyun brushed Jungwoo’s hair away from his face. He looked tense even in his sleep. Jaehyun though he saw tear streaks on his face. He smelled slightly sour, different from just going to bed after practice without showering. Had he gotten sick again?

“What’s up with you, Jungwoo?” Jaehyun whispered

He touched Jungwoo’s cheek.

He’d ask him in the morning.

There was no point in waking him up. Taeyong was right. Jungwoo needed sleep. Along with everything else going on, they still had the Beyond Live concert the next afternoon.

Jaehyun couldn’t do anything for Jungwoo right now. At least he knew that Jungwoo was at home and he was okay. That was all that mattered.

Jaehyun wanted to be okay, too.

He returned to the 5th floor dorm a few minutes later and found Johnny in his room.

“Sorry I passed out.” Johnny yawned. “How was Jungwoo? I thought you were going to stay there.”

“He’s okay. I’ll talk to him in the morning. He’s asleep now. I want to stay with you tonight.”

Johnny smiled. “I told you it was going to be okay, Jae.”

Jaehyun nodded. He wasn’t sure it was okay, but he didn’t want to focus on that right now.

He locked the door behind him.

“I don’t think I’m ready for bed,” Jaehyun said, before kneeling on the floor in front of Johnny and tugging his pajama pants down.

*

The next morning was a morning when everyone slept in. Jaehyun took advantage of the fact that he didn’t have to leave the dorm at four in the morning and let Johnny eat him out for a ridiculous amount of time. It was crazy how that tongue just kept going.

After that, they finally got to take their shower together. Haechan was out, Doyoung was out and Taeyong was holed up in his room so it felt like perfect timing. They didn’t do anything more than shower and kiss but it still felt good.

After their shower, Johnny made Jaehyun coffee. Jaehyun sat in the kitchen, listening to Johnny patter around and checked his phone. No messages from Jungwoo but he felt sure Jungwoo must have gotten up by now. It was after 10am. Their call time was noon. There would be time to talk once Jaehyun got to their room.

“Coffee’s ready,” Johnny said, sliding Jaehyun a mug. He picked it up and took a deep breath.

“It’s a new blend I got,” Johnny said, sitting next to him. “I was saving it for a special occasion.”

“Thanks,” Jaehyun said, smiling at his boyfriend. “Smells heavenly.” It really did. He took a small sip. It tasted just as good as it smelled. He and Johnny had similar coffee tastes.

“Mmmmm…” Johnny said, drinking from his own cup. Then he gave Jaehyun a kiss with warm, coffee-tinged lips.

“So good,” Jaehyun agreed, licking his lips afterward.

“You’re going to see Jungwoo,” Johnny said. “And then I’ll see you at the venue?”

Jaehyun nodded. “Yeah, I’ll ride over with them.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Johnny gave him another kiss, but they pulled away when they heard the front door slam. Doyoung strode past them, angrily, his eyes straight ahead as he headed to his room.

“Whoa,” Johnny said. “He’s gonna break something.”

“What’s up with him?” Jaehyun asked.

Johnny shook his head. “2021 can’t come fast enough!”

Jaehyun agreed, taking another drink of his coffee.

He was feeling good as he walked up the steps to the 10th floor dorm. Between all the orgasms with Johnny, the coffee and the fact that Jungwoo was back, there was no way that he could still be feeling bad.

Jaehyun opened the door to his dorm and walked inside.

Instantly, everything felt wrong.

Mark sat at the kitchen with a bowl of half-eaten cereal in front of him, looking like someone just told him his puppy died.

“What—” Jaehyun started, but then he heard something else.

Someone crying.

The faint sounds of someone sobbing. Wailing.

Crying really hard.

And it was coming from his room.

Jungwoo. Jaehyun forgot what he was going to say to Mark, forgot to take off his shoes and ran to his room. The door was open. He saw Jungwoo on his knees, hunched over the bed, sobbing his eyes out while Yuta was kneeling behind him, trying to console him.

Jaehyun’s heart jumped into his throat. What the hell had happened?

He should have come home last night.

Instead of waiting to see if Jungwoo was okay in the morning, he let himself be caught up in having sex and coffee with Johnny. Jaehyun wanted to kick himself.

He had to make it right.

“What’s going on?” he said, loudly, so they could hear him over Jungwoo’s crying. Yuta whipped around, looking relieved. He hurried over to Jaehyun and led him into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

“What happened?” Jaehyun asked, tersely.

Yuta sighed, running his hand through his hair. He didn’t seem to know where to start for a moment. Then he said, “You remember the Tupperware?”

“What?” Jaehyun didn’t remember.

Yuta sighed again. “After the Christmas party, Doyoung packed us the leftovers in his Tupperware. We took it back here. I know we did. But somehow it all disappeared. I don’t know what happened to it.”

Now Jaehyun remembered, vaguely. He remembered looking in the fridge the morning after the party and feeling surprised it was empty. He remembered Mark asking him about the Tupperware during dress rehearsal.

“How does Tupperware disappear?” Jaehyun said.

“I don’t know!” Yuta said. “But anyway… it did. I was going to buy Doyoung a replacement set but I haven’t had time yet. He came up here this morning and asked for it back. When we explained what happened, he went off on us, Jaehyun.” Yuta stopped and huffed out an annoyed breath. Jaehyun bit the inside of his cheek, listening. “He really screamed at us. And he singled Jungwoo out. He said Jungwoo didn’t come home last night and now Taeyong is upset or something. I don’t really remember but… after Doyoung left, Jungwoo ran to your room and started crying like that. He hasn’t stopped.”

Yuta looked as worried as Jaehyun felt.

“I can’t get him to stop,” Yuta concluded.

“Okay.” Jaehyun turned back to the door and opened it again. Jungwoo’s crying had quieted a bit, but probably only because his body couldn’t sustain that level of sobbing. Now he was in a heap on the floor, his body shaking and heaving. Jaehyun’s heart was breaking. He’d never seen Jungwoo upset like this.

It was terrifying.

Jaehyun took a deep breath so he wouldn’t start shaking and crying, too.

“Jungwoo…” Jaehyun knelt on the floor next to Jungwoo and touched the back of his head. There was no response. Jungwoo remained on the floor, crying, choking and shaking.

“Should I call the doctor?” Yuta said in a quiet voice from the hallway. Jaehyun was tempted. This was scary. It felt like Jungwoo was never going to stop.

“No!” Jungwoo yelled from the floor. Jaehyun set his jaw. At least Jungwoo was responding to them a little bit. He’d get Jungwoo through this.

“Yuta, leave us alone,” Jaehyun said, using his no-nonsense voice. He heard Yuta close their door. Then Jaehyun turned all his attention to Jungwoo.

Something he should have done last night.

“Jungwoo…” Jaehyun cooed, rubbing his friend’s back. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing but he knew that he loved Jungwoo and his friend needed his help. “Jungwoo… calm down… please…”

Jungwoo continued to cry. Jaehyun felt helpless. Jungwoo’s body was so warm. How much sorrow was he hiding in there?

Jaehyun knew. He should have listened to himself and not Johnny. Jungwoo wasn’t fine and coming back from getting ice cream. Something was very wrong.

Jungwoo sounded like he couldn’t breathe properly, choking on his own sobs. Jaehyun had to get him up.

“Jungwoo, please…” Jaehyun pleaded. He got on his knees and slid his arms around Jungwoo from behind. Then he used his strength to wrestle Jungwoo up, into more of a sitting position. He sat back on his butt, bringing Jungwoo with him so Jungwoo was leaning back against him, Jungwoo’s legs between Jaehyun’s splayed legs. It wasn’t the prettiest position, but Jaehyun wanted Jungwoo to breathe.

“Shhhh…” Jaehyun said, quietly. He had no idea what he was doing, but he summoned every nurturing bone in his body. He pressed the side of his face against Jungwoo’s. He tried to think about what he’d want Johnny to do if Johnny ever found him like this.

Jaehyun hummed some song he made up on the spot. He rubbed a hand over Jungwoo’s chest, feeling his too-fast beating heart. Way too fast.

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun whispered after a moment. “Jungwoo, breathe…”

He kept one arm around Jungwoo tight, the other hand rubbing over Jungwoo’s chest, soothingly. Jungwoo’s heart was racing and so was Jaehyun’s. He was so scared he was doing everything wrong. He wanted Jungwoo to be okay.

He felt Jungwoo take a struggling breath.

“That’s it,” Jaehyun said, keeping his voice low and gentle. “Just… breathe with me.”

He concentrated on feeling Jungwoo breathe under his hand. Jaehyun took slow, deep breaths and Jungwoo seemed to imitate him, his chest rising and falling at the same time. Jaehyun’s heart slowed down from it’s panicked, frenzied pace. Jungwoo was breathing. That was good.

“Good..,” Jaehyun whispered. They continued breathing together. Jaehyun counted in his head. In 1-2-3… out 1-2-3….

Jungwoo was keeping up. They were going to get through this.

“It’s all right.” Jaehyun spoke into Jungwoo’s ear after a long minute of breathing together. He wrapped his arms around him tighter, holding him close. “I’ve got you.”

He could feel Jungwoo’s heart rate slowing down. Jungwoo’s energy calming as they breathed together. Jaehyun drew Jungwoo a little nearer, thinking about how worried he’d been about him, how much he wanted Jungwoo to be better, how much he wanted him to be okay.

“You’re so special to me, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun murmured with his eyes closed, his face pressed against the side of Jungwoo’s, feeling the warm dampness of his tears.

After a moment, Jungwoo pulled away slightly. He turned around in Jaehyun’s arms.

Jaehyun looked into Jungwoo’s red eyes, his tear-stained, flushed face.

But Jungwoo wasn’t crying anymore.

Finally, Jaehyun had done something right.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

Good,” Jaehyun said. “Let’s—”

Before he could finish his sentence, Jungwoo leaned in and kissed him.

The world froze. Jaehyun was caught completely off guard. Jungwoo’s mouth was damp and salty, the press of his lips against Jaehyun’s lips sweet but terribly wrong.

So wrong.

Haechan had been right.

And Jaehyun was so _stupid_.

He didn’t know what to do.

Jungwoo scrambled away, jumping to his feet with an energy that Jaehyun hadn’t expected.

Jaehyun couldn’t look at him.

He could hear Jungwoo standing above him, still breathing, but now in a different, more ragged way.

Jaehyun finally dared to look up.

Jungwoo’s face was completely blank.

Jaehyun felt himself turning red. He swallowed hard. The only thing to do was tell the truth. Tell Jungwoo about Johnny but tell him that this was no big deal and he loved him.

“Jungwoo…” Jaehyun stuttered out, finding his voice. “This… this isn’t the right time to tell you but… I… Johnny—”

Jaehyun stopped when Jungwoo bolted out the door.

“Jungwoo, wait!” Jaehyun screamed so loud his throat hurt. He was too lightheaded, he was too overwhelmed, he was too slow. He struggled to his feet. By the time he got out the bedroom door, Jungwoo was nowhere in sight and Mark and Yuta were in the hallway, looking bewildered.

“Get him!” Jaehyun cried.

Mark ran ahead of him, into the hallway. They looked around but the hallway was empty.

“Let’s look downstairs,” Yuta offered. “Mark, stay here.”

Jaehyun ran down the stairs with Yuta, all the way to the lobby. They looked in all the apartment buildings’ shared spaces, the party room, the rec room, the gym, the inside courtyard, the heated garage.

Nothing.

“What happened?” Yuta asked.

Jaehyun grabbed his hair and wanted to scream.

“I’ll find him,” he said. “Yuta just… go back to the dorm.”

Jaehyun ran back up the steps to the fifth floor, his phone out, calling Jungwoo over and over the whole time. The call wasn’t even going through. Jungwoo’s phone sent him straight to voicemail. He’d turned his phone off.

Jaehyun couldn’t believe that this was happening again. Right before their concert.

And it was all his fault.

Jaehyun pounded on the door of the fifth-floor dorm. He was breathing hard, sweaty, red faced, feeling on the verge of losing control.

Johnny opened the door. “Jaehyun, what the fuck happened to you?” He reached for Jaehyun, but Jaehyun jerked away.

“Did Jungwoo come here?” he answered, urgently, stepping in the apartment and looking around.

“Why would Jungwoo come here?” Johnny asked. “What happened?”

Jaehyun leaned back against the wall and pressed a hand to his mouth. “I really messed up, Johnny.”

“I’m sure you didn’t. What happened? Talk to me, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun looked at Johnny and sniffed, breathing shallowly. “Jungwoo kissed me. I never got around to telling him.”

Johnny set his mouth in a straight line but didn’t show any other reaction. “Where is he now?”

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun confessed, his voice breaking. “He ran away.”

Johnny left for a moment but when he came back, he had his car keys, was wearing a coat and draped a coat over Jaehyun’s shoulders. He slipped on his shoes.

“Let’s go find him,” Johnny said, ushering Jaehyun out of the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun and Johnny go searching for Jungwoo before the concert.

“Tell me everything that happened,” Johnny said, once they got to his car. Jaehyun buckled his seatbelt and suppressed a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold.

“I… I don’t know,” Jaehyun said. He watched the dashboard light up and the radio blared out the jazz station they’d been listening to the last time they were making out in the backseat. Johnny quickly turned it off.

“Try…” Johnny said, backing out of his tight space. “Just tell me what you know.”

Jaehyun took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I got back to the dorm and I heard Jungwoo crying. Really crying, John. Yuta was with him. I asked him what happened, and he said that, like, Doyoung yelled at them… because we lost his Tupperware.”

“Doyoung’s been in a shit mood lately,” Johnny said. “Acting like a prick. So then what?”

Jaehyun looked out the window as Johnny left the garage. There weren’t that many people on the street, not with the holidays, the Coronavirus restrictions and the bitter cold. So that meant it should be easy to spot Jungwoo, right?

Where could he be?

“Johnny, how are we going to do this?” Jaehyun asked shakily, interrupting his own story.

“I’ll park on the side of the street and you hop out and look around,” Johnny proposed. “Where does Jungwoo like to go? He can’t be far.”

Jaehyun didn’t know about that. It felt like hours since Jungwoo had left, even though it’d only been about 15 minutes. Johnny turned onto the street in front of their apartment building.

“Try the 7-11?” Johnny said, driving down the street a little and then stopping. He put his flashers on. Jaehyun hopped out and ran over to the 7-11. Inside was just the cashier and an old man in the back, contemplating soju. No sign of Jungwoo.

“Have you seen…” Jaehyun hurried over the cashier. “Like, a 22 year old guy, my height, skinny, lots of hair, big eyes, fanny pack? Has he been here?”

The cashier looked at him, bored, and shook his head.

Jaehyun left and walked down the street some, popping in another couple of places. There was a restaurant and a clothing store.

Nothing.

Jaehyun ran back up the street and jumped in Johnny’s car.

“Where could he be?” Jaehyun asked, his teeth chattering even though he was wearing Johnny’s heavy coat.

“Let’s just drive. I’ll drive slowly. We’ll both look.”

Jaehyun peered out of the window as Johnny crept the car down the street. His heart stuttered each time they passed a tall, lanky guy. But when he got a look at their face, it was all wrong. They were never Jungwoo.

Jaehyun bit the inside of his hand and sighed. Probably louder than he meant to because Johnny looked over.

“Babe, what are you doing?” Johnny tugged his hand away from his mouth and took his hand, holding it firmly. “Don’t hurt yourself. Finish telling me what happened so we can know his state of mind.”

Jaehyun didn’t take his eyes off the window, off the street, off all the people who they passed by who weren’t Jungwoo. Where was he? Jungwoo could be anywhere. How were they ever going to find him in a city as big as Seoul?

Jaehyun swallowed before continuing. “I… went to him while he was crying, and I tried to comfort him. I held him and I talked to him. He seemed like he couldn’t breathe, and he was on the floor so I pulled him up in my arms and I… told him to breathe. I just talked to him, John. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“I’m sure you did great,” Johnny said, making a right onto another busy street. He was driving really slow but there wasn’t enough traffic to notice.

“You’re always saying that,” Jaehyun said, surprising himself. “You’re making light of this. I didn’t do great, he’s gone.”

“Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezed his hand. “I’m not making light of this. You did your best. I know that. You’re not going to be able to single-handedly save the entire world. Jungwoo has problems.”

Jaehyun snatched his hand away from Johnny’s grasp. “Don’t say that,” he spat out.

Johnny sighed. “You know what I mean. Not like that. But… he can be sensitive. It’s just his nature. It’s not something you can control.”

Jaehyun sniffed, staring out the window more purposely now, not wanting to look at Johnny.

“It came out wrong… the way I said it. I’m sorry. I love Jungwoo, too. But… I’m just trying to get you to not be so hard on yourself.”

Jaehyun took another deep breath and let it out noisily through his nose.

“So finally,” Jaehyun continued. “Jungwoo started to calm down. I was holding him and… I said… that he’s really special to me. Jungwoo turned around looked at me. I thought he was going to be okay. Then he kissed me.”

“What did you do after he kissed you?” Jaehyun could feel Johnny’s eyes on him at a red light.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun said, closing his eyes for a moment. That was the part he felt most ashamed about. “Nothing. I… froze. Then by the time I could speak… I was trying to explain… he left.”

Johnny nodded. Then, strangely, Johnny didn’t say anything else for a few moments. They drove through a couple of intersections. Johnny made another right turn.

“We’re going in circles,” Jaehyun said.

“We should check the most immediate area. I don’t think he went far,” Johnny said, in a flat voice. Jaehyun kept searching through the window. His heart kept racing. There was no sign of Jungwoo, nothing at all.

“We don’t know where he went, John.”

“You’ve never told me that I’m special to you.”

It took Jaehyun a moment to process what Johnny had said. Then he finally turned to Johnny again. “What?”

“You’ve never even said that you like me.”

“What are you talking about, John? I’m with you, aren’t I? I agreed to be your boyfriend.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“ _John_ ,” Jaehyun said. He couldn’t believe this.

“I’m just saying.”

“You think I led him on.” Jaehyun looked at Johnny out of the corner of his eye. Johnny’s eyes were straight ahead on the road.

“No, I didn’t say that, Jaehyun. I know you didn’t. I know he’s special to you. I know you said what you meant and I know how you meant it.”

“So what are you saying?”

Johnny made another right turn and then they were driving past the dorm again. Johnny sighed.

“We gotta tell management, Jaehyun. Let’s go to the venue early and tell them everything. We can’t find Jungwoo. They have to know.”

Jaehyun placed his face in his hands and sighed. Johnny parked again and reached over to rub Jaehyun’s back.

“You don’t think I lead him on,” Jaehyun said, miserably.

“No. I don’t, baby.” Johnny leaned over, wrapping both his arms around Jaehyun. Jaehyun sniffled. He felt the tears threatening the corner of his eyes.

“Then what were you saying?”

“I was saying that… it would be nice to hear how much you care about me. Sometimes. But it was the wrong time to say it. It was a selfish time to say it. I’m sorry, Jaehyun.” Johnny kissed his hair. “I’m sorry. Let’s focus on Jungwoo. We need help, babe.”

Jaehyun nodded, his face still hidden in his hands. Johnny did have a point. Jaehyun hadn’t really said anything to Johnny like “I like you” or “I think you’re really special.” Not like Johnny had said to him. He just thought Johnny understood.

He wasn’t good at emotions.

“We’re gonna find him,” Johnny whispered against his hair. “He’s going to be fine. You didn’t do anything wrong. Then we’re going to have an amazing concert. Let’s go. I’ll keep an eye out for him.”

Jaehyun kept his face covered as Johnny turned the car around and started heading to the venue. He couldn’t watch the streets for Jungwoo. He couldn’t see anything. But that was better than letting Johnny see his tears.

*

They arrived at the Beyond Live studios about 15 minutes before the call time, so the rest of the team wasn’t there. Their managers listened as Jaehyun recounted the story the best he could. He told them everything. About Jungwoo being upset after Doyoung yelled at him, the hysterical crying, the kiss and then Jungwoo running away.

Jaehyun knew it was the right thing to do.

But he felt bad about it anyway.

He didn’t want to betray Jungwoo. He didn’t want to tell his secrets.

He just wanted to find him.

Johnny stayed right by his side.

“Do you think he was in a state of mind where he would want to… hurt himself?” one of their managers asked.

“No!” Jaehyun said, quickly. “No…”

He hadn’t thought about that. It scared him even more.

“I think he’s just embarrassed and upset,” Johnny said. “The way Jaehyun told it to me… I didn’t get a sense of anything like that.”

The manager nodded. “We’ll have everyone looking for him. You two get ready for the show.”

Jaehyun turned to Johnny once their managers left. Johnny wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tight. It was amazing how small Jaehyun could feel in Johnny’s arms.

“They’re gonna find him,” Johnny said.

The news that Jungwoo was missing spread like wildfire. Everyone was talking about it. Everyone tried calling Jungwoo, but all calls went straight to voicemail. Other than that, there wasn’t much more they could do.

The concert was in three hours. They were still professionals.

The stage manager went around, assigning people Jungwoo’s parts in case he didn’t make it back in time for the show. It gave Jaehyun a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Hyung,” Mark said, walking over to Jaehyun while he was sitting in the makeup chair. “I waited and waited, just like you said. Jungwoo never came back.”

“I know,” Jaehyun said. He swallowed, hard. “Thank you, Mark.”

Mark huffed, looking distressed. “I didn’t know what was going on or I would have grabbed him.”

“It’s not your fault, Mark,” Jaehyun said. “Thank you. Go prepare for Boss.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes as the two cordinoonas continued to powder and line his face. Of course, Jungwoo was in the first song on the set list. How were they supposed to do this without him?

If only Jaehyun could get to talk to Jungwoo one more time. He would make it right. If he could relive that moment again, he would grab Jungwoo and never let him go. Not until they were at the venue. Not until they were on stage.

He knew Jungwoo’s disappearance was bigger than a stupid concert.

But the concert was the best thing to focus on.

Keep to together for the concert, Jaehyun, he told himself.

He looked at his face in the mirror, pale but ready. Showing no weakness.

Just like always.

*

One hour before the show. No sign of Jungwoo. The managers had been searching all over the city but coming up empty. They even called in staff who had the weekend off. Meanwhile, the stage manager told the rest of the guys to stay focused.

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong said, as Jaehyun was stretching in his Boss outfit. “Come with me?”

Jaehyun followed Taeyong to a small room off the main hallway where everyone was running around, doing last minute preparations. Taeyong was backstage as promised, although he looked a little pale, and not on purpose, like Jaehyun was under his makeup. It was weird not to see him dressed up for Boss as well.

Yuta, Taeil, Johnny and Doyoung were already in the room. They kept the door open in case someone needed to get called away. The other members knew not to disturb them anyway.

“I wanna talk about what happened,” Taeyong said, sitting down on a chair. The rest of them were standing. There wasn’t a lot of room.

Doyoung was standing against the wall with his arms crossed.

“What did you say to him, Doyoung?” Johnny asked. He moved to stand next to Jaehyun and took his hand.

Doyoung sighed. “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. They lost my Tupperware.”

“You know we didn’t mean to,” Yuta said.

“And Jungwoo was being really irresponsible with his stunt last night, so I let him know.” Doyoung shrugged a shoulder. “There are other people in this group to worry about. Not just yourself.”

Jaehyun watched them, not sure what to say. He was seeing Jungwoo again in his mind, breaking down in the middle of their room. Doyoung didn’t get it.

“I guess I didn’t get my point across, though,” Doyoung continued. “Since he did it again.”

“You need to apologize to him,” Taeyong said, looking at Doyoung hard.

“Fine,” Doyoung said. “I’ll apologize to him when he gets back.”

If he gets back, Jaehyun thought. He bit his thumbnail, looking down at everyone’s fancy shoes.

“Tell us again, Jaehyun,” Taeyong said, changing the subject. “How was Jungwoo before he left?”

Jaehyun looked up to all eyes on him. He struggled to find the words. “He was… really upset. When I first got to room.”

“He wouldn’t stop crying,” Yuta broke in. Doyoung shifted against the wall.

“I finally got him to calm down a little…” Jaehyun recounted. “And I… was talking to him about how much I care about him and he kissed me—”

“We’re dating, by the way,” Johnny said, pointing at Jaehyun. The others didn’t seem to care.

“And then… I was trying to talk to him about it,” Jaehyun continued. “He ran out of the room before anyone could stop him.”

Jaehyun heard Jungwoo’s wailing in his ears. Saw his wounded, pained look after the kiss. Watched him run away, once again. Now he was gone and they had no idea where he could be. They might be performing in an empty studio for an online audience of millions, everyone cheering, everyone happy, while Jungwoo could be face down in a ditch.

All because of Jaehyun.

The thought haunted him.

He was shaking.

Johnny squeezed his hand, tighter.

“Jungwoo has always given this group his all,” Taeyong said. “Jungwoo is responsible. He might be upset now, but he will not miss this concert. I know it.”

Taeyong looked so confident, but Jaehyun wasn’t sure. Taeyong hadn’t been there. He didn’t experience what Jaehyun did.

Jaehyun stared straight ahead, seeing the scene play out in front of him over and over again. Jungwoo on the floor, crying hysterically. Jungwoo on his feet, running away.

“I’ve never seen him like that before,” Jaehyun said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Then, a voice, screaming from the hallway.

“Stop talking about me!”

Everyone turned toward the open doorway.

Jungwoo stood there. Jaehyun’s heart lifted. Jungwoo was okay. He was there.

But his heart dropped once he took a good look at Jungwoo.

He’d never seen Jungwoo like this before. Angry, his face contorted with rage. He was standing there in what he’d been wearing in their room, a hoodie and track pants. No coat. Flimsy shoes. His whole body was red, his face, his hands. He was shivering but he didn’t seem to notice. His hair was wild. His eyes were wild. His hands were clenched into fists.

This wasn’t the Jungwoo Jaehyun knew.

“Jungwoo!” Taeyong was the first to speak. “We—”

“You told them, didn’t you?” Jungwoo’s eyes were locked on Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn’t know how to respond to this. Jungwoo had never looked at him like this, never approached him like this. He felt like Jungwoo wanted to punch him through the wall. He didn’t even know his roommate was capable of glaring at him like that.

Jaehyun lost his voice.

Jungwoo stepped in the room, came right over to Jaehyun. He got into his face. They were the same height but somehow Jungwoo was taller now, bearing down on him, his gaze drilling a hole of terror straight through Jaehyun.

What had he done?

“Stop telling everyone my fucking business!” Jungwoo screamed, in a voice that was not his. It was scratchy and so damn mean.

“Whoa!” Suddenly, Johnny was there, stepping between them. Jaehyun blinked at Johnny’s back. Johnny was yelling back at Jungwoo. “He’s just trying to _help_ you.”

“Get out of my face,” Jungwoo said, squaring up to Johnny.

“Watch it, Jungwoo,” Johnny said, in a low voice. Jaehyun had never thought Johnny was capable of violence, but now he was sure Jungwoo and Johnny were going to come to blows in this small room, right before the concert.

Fighting for him? Fighting over him? Fighting because of him? He couldn’t let that happen.

Whatever Jungwoo wanted to do to him or say to him, Jaehyun deserved it.

“Stop it,” Jaehyun said, finding his voice again. It wasn’t loud, but it was final. He placed a hand on Johnny’s back. “Johnny—”

Johnny sighed and stepped aside.

Now Jaehyun could see Jungwoo again, those angry eyes and too bright red face.

“Jungwoo…” Jaehyun took a clumsy step forward and grabbed Jungwoo’s balled up hands. He almost gasped at how cold they felt. “Jungwoo, your hands are like ice.”

Jungwoo yanked his hands away. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he growled at Jaehyun. It hurt just as much as if Jungwoo had actually punched him. How could Jungwoo talk to him like that? Jaehyun stepped away.

“Where have you been?” Taeyong said, sounding calmer than the rest of the room. Everyone was breathing hard. The tension was so thick. “You’re not even wearing a coat—”

“Nobody worry about me!” Jungwoo yelled, spinning around to address the whole room. The hallway was filling up outside. Everyone could hear them. The other members were crowding around. They were all listening to them. Jungwoo didn’t seem to notice everyone outside. His eyes were only on the 6 of them in the room, especially Jaehyun. Those scary eyes. “No one talk about me! Ever again!”

The stage manager arrived then and yanked Jungwoo out of the room. Their concert started in thirty minutes.

Everyone burst into chatter about what had just happened. Questions were flying. _Is Jungwoo okay?_ _What’s going on?_ Jaehyun clutched his chest. It felt like the walls were closing in on him.

He had to get out of there.

Jaehyun left the room. Where could he go with the Boss stage in thirty minutes? Johnny caught up with him and grabbed his hand, pulling him into a closet. They were surrounded by a bunch of shoes.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Johnny said, pulling Jaehyun into a hug.

Jaehyun pressed his face against Johnny’s firm chest. He wanted to break down. He wanted to give in. He knew that Johnny wouldn’t let him go.

But as he clutched Johnny’s shirt, he realized he couldn’t do it.

He had a show to do. He had people who were counting on him. And filming for his drama was going to resume in the morning.

Jaehyun stepped back and took a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” Johnny grabbed his face with those big hands. Jaehyun looked at Johnny. He really did care about Johnny so much. Why was it so hard for him to say that?

Jaehyun nodded.

“Jungwoo’s just upset,” Johnny said. “He didn’t mean it.”

Jaehyun didn’t want to talk about Jungwoo right now. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel. He just needed something that would turn his brain off. Something that would stop this panicked, claustrophobic, helpless feeling.

He knew what would do the trick.

Jaehyun leaned in and kissed Johnny hard. Johnny seemed surprised at first, but then he kissed Jaehyun back.

“Jaehyun, I—” Johnny started, but Jaehyun kissed him again.

“You said it doesn’t take me long,” Jaehyun whispered against Johnny’s lips. “See what you can do in five minutes….”

*

The staff clapped for them after their concert. It felt hollow. Jaehyun guess they did a good job. He had no idea. But everything went according to plan.

That was the most important thing.

Did Jaehyun enjoy himself? Was he really into it? That didn’t matter. He looked into all the right cameras, made all the right moves, did all the right facial expression, sang all the right words and looked great in his outfits. When it came to performances, that was the most important thing.

Jaehyun was so tired. He wanted to go straight to bed.

He also wanted to talk to Jungwoo.

Their head manager called Jungwoo, Jaehyun, Doyoung and Taeyong into a room.

Jaehyun took a deep breath and braced himself. He would take all the blame. Anything if it meant that Jungwoo would be okay.

At first the manager spoke to Jungwoo. He told him that he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by himself anymore. The old Jungwoo would have looked sad. He would have apologized. This new Jungwoo looked like he felt nothing.

It scared Jaehyun.

Then Taeyong made Doyoung apologize. Doyoung refused to take back what he said but he did apologize for yelling at Jungwoo.

Jungwoo looked like he wasn’t even there. He didn’t react at all.

“Doyoung.” Taeyong chided Doyoung’s non-apology.

“No, Taeyong,” Doyoung said. “I will apologize for the way I said it. I shouldn’t have yelled. For that, I apologize. But it was the truth.”

“I didn’t ask you to speak for me,” Taeyong said.

“Someone needed to say it,” Doyoung said.

Jaehyun hardly knew what they were talking about. But then, Jungwoo finally spoke.

“Doesn’t feel good when someone talks about you behind your back. Does it?”

Jaehyun heard the words like a punch to the gut. He knew that Jungwoo was talking about him. He took a deep breath. He’d do anything to make it right between them.

“Jungwoo, I’m not trying to talk about you behind your back.” Jaehyun tried to explain. “I was worried about you. You’ve been upset, sick, missing. I didn’t know what to do.”

“You didn’t have to tell them I kissed you.” The look Jungwoo gave him was a pure death glare. Jaehyun was almost surprised he didn’t end up on the ground. “That’s just gossip,” Jungwoo said.

Jaehyun looked down. He had to look away. Jungwoo’s glare burned him from the inside out. And maybe Jungwoo was right. Did he have to tell everyone about the kiss? Johnny said he should tell them everything but, once again, maybe he shouldn’t have listened to Johnny. He could have left it out. He should have known that it would humiliate Jungwoo this bad.

Why did he continue to be so stupid?

Jaehyun closed his eyes for a moment. How could he make this right?

“I’m sorry, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun whispered. “I really am.” He thought about everything he wanted to say to Jungwoo after the kiss. The words he tried to get out before Jungwoo ran away. He thought if he got a chance to say them, Jungwoo would have stayed.

Jaehyun looked up at Jungwoo again. “I care about you. I love you.”

“Save it,” Jungwoo said.

How could Jungwoo, his sweet roommate, the group’s happy pill, their puppy, be so cold?

Jaehyun shut up.

“Okay, let’s table this conversation,” the manager said.

Jungwoo was the first person out of the room. Taeyong looked at Jaehyun with a kind smile.

“I know you did your best,” he said.

Same thing Johnny had said. It didn’t matter. Jaehyun’s best wasn’t good enough.

Jaehyun found Johnny in the locker room. He sat next to him and began taking off his clothes.

“I can still stay in your room tonight, right?” Jaehyun asked. Johnny looked surprised but he nodded.

“Of course. Haechan will still be at Mark’s. Plus, you have an open invitation. You know that. But… are you sure you don’t want to spend the night with Jungwoo?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “He doesn’t need me.”

“I’m sure he does,” Johnny said. “But it’s probably good if you give him a little space.” Johnny scooted a little closer to Jaehyun, brightening up. “We’ll have fun tonight, baby. I’ll cook for you! How about… pasta? I’ll order some groceries. A little wine. Sparkling wine? We can have a romantic evening and just relax.” Johnny leaned in and grabbed Jaehyun’s face, pressing their foreheads together. “You deserve it.”

Jaehyun shook his head out of Johnny’s grip and sniffed. “Skip making me dinner,” he said. “I wanna go straight to dessert.” He slid his hand between Johnny’s legs and grabbed him through his pants.

“Whoa!” Johnny jumped, his eyes widening in surprise. “Jaehyun, jeez, warn me next time… half the members are still around.”

“You wanted to tell everyone,” Jaehyun said, hollowly. Johnny gave him a long look.

“Whatever you want, Jae,” he finally said. “We do have the room to ourselves.”

“Good.” Jaehyun leaned in and gave Johnny a soft kiss.

At least he could forget about everything for one night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun and Johnny celebrate the New Year together. Jaehyun attempts to make up with Jungwoo.

Four days later, Jungwoo still wouldn’t talk to him.

Jaehyun expected the cold shoulder the night after the concert. He tried to be cool with it the next day, when he slept in his room again and attempted to speak to Jungwoo, only to be met with chilly silence. It was weird the third day, when they had were filming for the SMTOWN concert and Jungwoo still wouldn’t look at him at all when they weren’t on camera. Everyone noticed. No one really said anything.

By the fourth day, it was unbearable.

Jaehyun sat in the living room with Yuta, Taeil and Mark. They were fortunate to have the night off to celebrate New Year’s. Even though no one could go home, like Taeyong said at the Christmas party, they were all family too.

Jungwoo was in their room.

Jaehyun got up when there was a knock on the door. He grinned, opening it. Johnny was there, holding a bag. Haechan was next to him, holding a huge stack of pizzas.

“Happy New Year!” Johnny yelled, before he blew his noisemaker. Jaehyun chuckled, stepping aside to let them in.

“Yes, food!” Mark said, jumping up to help Haechan.

“We’ve got pizza and soju, what else do we need?” Johnny said. “Taeyong and Doyoung send their regrets.” He put his bag down on the kitchen table and kissed the side of Jaehyun’s head before he started unloading. Jaehyun smiled and helped him pull out the bottles of soju and the NYE party favors. Johnny had 2021 hats, glasses, noisemakers, sashes.

“John, this is like New Years on TV,” Jaehyun said, as Johnny put a hat on him.

“Yeah. It’s fun, right?” Johnny gave Jaehyun a playful kiss, bumping him with those ridiculous glasses he was wearing. “Let’s have fun!”

Everyone came over to the kitchen to grab pizza and put on the silly accessories. Johnny had Haechan pour the soju in special 2021 soju glasses that were also in the bag. It was nice to be around everyone, laughing and talking and sharing soju. It had been a strange year, a busy year, some of it bad but some of it really good. Jaehyun was glad that, soon, they got to put 2020 behind them.

But someone was missing.

Jaehyun wandered to his room and pushed the door open. Jungwoo was lying on his bed, listening to something on his headphones.

Jaehyun went over to him and shook his shoulder until Jungwoo gave him a half-hearted glance.

“Can you hear me?” Jaehyun asked.

Jungwoo moved side of headphones off his ear, lazily.

“We have pizza. We’re having a little New Year’s party.”

Jungwoo shrugged. Then he slid his headphones back on.

Jaehyun grit his teeth. This was so infuriating.

He came back out to the kitchen and reported what had happened.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get him.” Haechan looked at Mark and nodded. Mark got up too and they headed down the hall. “He just, like, hates you now!” Haechan called cheerfully over his shoulder before they both slipped into Jaehyun’s bedroom.

Jaehyun groaned.

“It’s not going to last forever,” Taeil said. Everyone gave Jaehyun a sympathetic look. Jaehyun appreciated it, but it didn’t help much.

“Of course not,” Johnny said, slinging a protecting arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders. “Who could hate our handsome prince forever?” He kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head. Jaehyun smiled, reluctantly.

“You think he hates me?” Jaehyun asked Johnny.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Johnny said.

Haechan and Mark did return with a sullen Jungwoo. He didn’t say anything as they all chilled, ate pizza, drank soju and talked but he did devour like a whole pizza by himself.

“You guys have a soju limit,” Johnny said, pointing at the 3 youngest members.

“You can’t stop us from the soju!” Haechan said, clutching a bottle. “We are grown ass men.”

“Yeah!” Mark said, giggling. “Even older now.”

“I’m still older than you,” Johnny said.

“Real old,” Haechan said. “Ancient.”

“Aren’t you thirty this year, hyung?” Mark asked, squinting.

“You guys better watch it,” Johnny said, but he was laughing. “I go by international age.”

Jaehyun watched Jungwoo stuff his last bite of pizza in his mouth and then grunt that he was going to take a shower. They all watched him go.

“He takes a lot of showers,” Mark said.

“He used to not shower at all,” Yuta said.

“You know what he’s doing in there, right?” Johnny asked. Everyone looked at him. Johnny winked.

“Ewwwwwwww! Johnny-hyung!” Haechan cried.

Around 11, everyone had mellowed out, lounging in front of the TV watching the cheesy NYE programing. Jaehyun felt cozy, sitting in Johnny’s lap, even though he was way too big to be a lap sitter. Johnny made it work somehow.

At 11:30, Johnny whispered in his ear, “I have a surprise for you.”

“Yes, John?” Jaehyun murmured, turning to him.

“Yes,” Johnny said. “Follow me.”

Jaehyun slid off his lap. They ditched all their party accessories, leaving them for the others to use. Jaehyun followed Johnny to the front door where Johnny instructed him to put on his shoes and coat.

“Where are you taking me?” Jaehyun asked.

Johnny pressed a finger to his lips. “You’ll see, babe.”

He took Jaehyun to the roof.

“Oh!” Jaehyun said, stepping in the frigid, Seoul night. His breath puffed white in front of him. “Freezing our balls off. Romantic.”

“You used to take me out here all the time,” Johnny said, carefully closing the door behind them. “Just wanted to bring back some old memories.”

“You used to complain.”

“Memories!” Johnny nudged him and laughed.

They rounded the corner and Jaehyun saw a big tent in the middle of the roof, surrounded by some fairy lights, strung from objects they probably shouldn’t have been strung from. But they looked beautiful, twinkling like Jaehyun and Johnny’s own private universe.

Jaehyun paused and looked at his boyfriend. “Always have something up your sleeve, don’t you?”

“Oh, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” Johnny said, in English. “We’ve only been official like… a week.”

Jaehyun pressed his hand to his mouth and smiled. Johnny took his hand away from his mouth, leading him over to the tent.

Inside, Johnny had placed a large sleeping bag big enough for two people, a huge, soft-looking pink blanket, a couple of pillows and a big bag in the corner.

“Are we moving in?” Jaehyun asked, crawling in the tent as Johnny held the door open after they kicked off their shoes. He gasped in surprised, flopping down on top of the sleeping bag.

The tent was warm.

“Electric tent space heater…” Johnny said, pointing to a medium sized, squat, cylinder metal thing in another corner. Jaehyun could see the hint of a cord. It must have been plugged into some outlet outside of the tent.

“Are we going to die with that thing in here, John?”

“Possibly.”

Jaehyun giggled, laying back on the sleeping bag. Well, he guessed he made his choice.

“What’s in the bag?” Jaehyun asked, shedding his coat. He was hot after Johnny zipped the tent up to keep the heat in.

“You wanna see what’s in the bag?” Johnny teased, crawling over there. The tent was huge from the inside, bigger than Jaehyun had originally thought. He and Johnny could both lie in there comfortably and still have room to move around.

“Yeah, Johnny…” Jaehyun grinned. He had to admit, Johnny’s teasing really turned him on.

Johnny chuckled and pulled out a gift, wrapped in silver wrapping paper, tied up with a gold ribbon. He handed it to Jaehyun. He sat up and took it.

“Johnny, quit spoiling me,” Jaehyun said. “We’ve only been official for a week.”

Johnny reached out to caress the side of Jaehyun’s face, looking at him closely. “You know I go all out for those I care about.”

Jaehyun stared back in Johnny’s eyes. He didn’t know how Johnny could shrink him like this. Make him feel like a delicate little flower.

He really liked that feeling. It was something he’d never felt before.

Now would be the perfect time for Jaehyun to say, “I care about you, too, John,” but he felt too awkward and shy about it. Johnny was the king of romance. Jaehyun was a dunce.

Instead, he looked down and opened his present.

Inside was a beautiful plush robe. Jaehyun pulled it out, smiling.

“To go with your new pajamas,” Johnny said. “And for after.”

“After what?” Jaehyun said, looking up, curiously.

Johnny leaned across the tent and kissed him.

Jaehyun felt those shivers down his spine. The good kind. Johnny also pulled out a wine chiller bucket, which held a bottle of champagne. He had two champagne flutes. Johnny was always so prepared.

“What else is in that bag?” Jaehyun asked.

“Everything we need for later,” Johnny said. “But first… it’s almost midnight, baby. Let me pop the bubbly.”

Jaehyun watched Johnny go outside the tent to open the champagne. He jumped when he heard the big pop. He heard Johnny’s boisterous laugh.

Johnny crawled back in the tent, holding the champagne carefully. “Okay!” He handed the champagne to Jaehyun and shed his coat. Then he tossed both of their coats outside the tent. “They’ll be fine. We need room. Look, Jae-bae.”

Jaehyun tipped his head, amused at the ridiculous nickname. Johnny unzipped a large panel on the closed front door of the tent to reveal a plastic cut out for a window.

“You want people to watch?” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows.

“I’ll close it before, believe me. But this way, we can see the stars when it hits midnight. We can see the fireworks.”

“Is there anything you haven’t figured out, Johnny Suh?” Jaehyun teased.

Johnny looked him over, quite seriously. So seriously, Jaehyun felt his smile slip, just a little.

“Yes,” Johnny said. “Yes, there certainly is.”

Jaehyun looked down and realized he still had the champagne bottle in his band. He made himself busy, pouring it into the champagne flutes. The champagne fizzed and bubbled up right to the top.

“A toast,” Jaehyun said. “To… 2021 being the best year ever.”

Johnny nodded. “I want to make all your wishes come true.”

He was so cheesy. But Jaehyun did have a wish.

He wished that Jungwoo would be his friend again.

He wasn’t sure Johnny could make that come true.

They clinked glasses and took a sip.

“It’s almost midnight.” Johnny showed Jaehyun his phone, so bright in the darkness of the tent, the roof and the night sky.

They counted down to midnight together.

10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1.

Just like that, it was the year 2021.

“Happy New Year!” Jaehyun cheered.

“Happy New Year,” Johnny said, turning to him. Jaehyun closed his eyes as their lips met in a soft, sweet kiss that tasted like tangy champagne and sweet pizza.

His first New Year’s Kiss.

So this was how you were supposed to start the year.

In that moment, it really felt like 2021 was going to be the best year ever.

They pulled away when they heard the faint pops starting outside. Johnny pointed out of the plastic window. The fireworks sparkled brilliantly above in all sorts of beautiful colors. Being on the roof gave them the perfect vantage point. They watched the firework show for the next 30 minutes, sitting on top of the sleeping bag, under the blanket, holding hands and sharing kisses.

“Johnny, this is so cool,” Jaehyun said, grinning, after the firework show ended. He turned to Johnny. “Thank you.” He felt so sincere, looking into Johnny’s eyes.

“I’m glad,” Johnny said. “I wanted to see you smile. It’s been a tough week since… you know. I wanted to make you happy, Jaehyun. I’m always going to do that for you.”

Jaehyun smiled harder, to cover up his blushing cheeks, but he didn’t think it worked.

“John,” Jaehyun said. “You have the biggest heart.”

Johnny shook his head, laughing a little. “That’s not how I was hoping you’d finish that sentence, Jae.”

Jaehyun chuckled as Johnny gently pushed him back on the sleeping bag. They were kissing, softly at first but then Johnny was kissing him harder and Jaehyun groaned at the confident sweep of Johnny’s tongue through his mouth as he kissed him deeper. Johnny’s lips were always warm, always soft and he knew how to kiss Jaehyun in ways that kept him guessing.

Ways that made his toes curl.

“John,” Jaehyun panted out, the first moment he got a chance. “Close that window.”

Johnny leaned forward and zipped it up. Then he pulled out his portable Bluetooth speaker from the bag and placed it in the corner with the space heater.

“Johnny’s New Year’s Sex Playlist,” Johnny said, pressing a button on his phone. “Made it yesterday.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Oh, John.” The first song was WAP. He laughed harder.

Johnny grinned as they settled back again. Jaehyun watched Johnny as he laid on top of him, grabbed Jaehyun’s hands and pulled them up over his head so Jaehyun’s arms were stretched across the tent. He laced their fingers together, holding on tightly as they kissed. Johnny kissed him languidly, his lips never leaving Jaehyun’s like he was savoring every taste of him. Jaehyun moaned under Johnny’s capable lips, the teasing of Johnny’s tongue against Jaehyun’s lips and over his tongue. Johnny sucked on his lower lip and gave it a tug. Jaehyun chased him when Johnny finally pulled away to take a proper breath, not wanting to lose that feeling, that connection. He was addicted to those lips. That had been painfully obvious for a long time.

They took their time, kissing until Jaehyun’s lips were feeling tired and slightly puffy. He didn’t want to stop, sighing with pleasure as Johnny moved to kiss all over Jaehyun’s face, pressing a kiss over each of his eyes and the side of his nose, his forehead.

“Your face is perfect,” Johnny whispered. “My beautiful prince.”

“Your face is perfect,” Jaehyun murmured back, his eyes closed.

“Mmmhmm,” Johnny said. “You say such funny things.”

“John.” Jaehyun leaned up, finding Johnny’s lips again. He wanted Johnny to know that he really did find Johnny beautiful. But Jaehyun was gasping out another moan when Johnny started kissing his jaw. Johnny nipped him there. Jaehyun thought he might have squeaked.

“Should I mark you there?” Johnny asked, teasingly.

“John, don’t make me kill you on the first day of 2021.”

“They know how to cover those up for filming! You think no actor ever showed up with a hickey? They’re probably thinking why doesn’t this hot guy have any hickeys?”

Jaehyun laughed. “Johnny, stop.”

Johnny chuckled but silenced himself when he pressed his open mouth to the side of Jaehyun’s neck. Jaehyun sighed out another moan. He clutched Johnny’s hands tighter. The way Johnny sucked him there made his hips lift off the ground.

“Oh, you like that…” Johnny murmured, sucking that spot harder. Jaehyun groaned deep in the back of his throat. He swallowed hard, his cock stirring in his sweatpants. Johnny kissed the hollow in the front of his throat, swirled his tongue all around it.

“I love taking my time with you,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun was breathing hard. The way Johnny was worshipping his body was incredible and they hadn’t even taken any clothes off. Suddenly, Jaehyun was dying to get naked. Sweat beaded at his hairline and his crotch was getting damp too, a combination of sweat and pre-come from his quickly hardening cock.

“I’m so hot, Johnny,” Jaehyun panted out. The tent had been warm and cozy before but now it was like a sauna.

“Let me take care of that.” Johnny let go of Jaehyun’s hands. Jaehyun’s palms were damp but he missed the feeling of Johnny holding him there. Johnny leaned over him and turned down the heater one click. He went to the tent door and unzipped the zipper just a crack. Then he returned to Jaehyun and tugged his shirt off over his head.

“Better, baby?” he asked, looking down at Jaehyun.

“Much.”

Johnny grinned, pulling off his shirt, too. Then he leaned over, kissing the top of Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun ran his fingers through Johnny’s hair. He missed the extensions but Johnny still had plenty of hair to grab. He held on while Johnny kissed and nipped him all over his chest, never enough to leave a mark but just enough for Jaehyun to jump, grunt and groan. Johnny swirled his tongue around Jaehyun’s nipple and gave it a hard suck. He ran his hands over Jaehyun’s pecks, down to his abs.

“Darling, your body is so insane,” Johnny said. “I can never do it justice.”

Jaehyun wanted to grunt out that Johnny was doing just fine, but Johnny trailed a hand down his body to palm over his hard cock through his pants. Jaehyun’s hips jumped again and he groaned with need.

“I wanna make you come a few times,” Johnny said. “Okay?”

Jaehyun nodded and groaned again. His eyes were closed, savoring the simple pleasure of Johnny rubbing him through his pants but he could feel Johnny smiling down at him.

Johnny tugged Jaehyun’s sweatpants and underwear off, throwing them aside. Jaehyun’s cock felt so much better now that it was free, fully hard, pulsing with need, straining up towards his belly. But Jaehyun wanted to see Johnny too, see how hard he was for him.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun grunted. “Pants off. Now.”

Johnny grinned, complying. One thing that really turned Jaehyun on was how much pubic hair Johnny had. Was that an American thing? Was it in the water over there? He left too early.

He also loved the size of Johnny’s cock.

It took them about three tries before they could fully make it work. Jaehyun hadn’t been super experienced in that realm before. He was an everything-but type of guy with most of his past hook-ups. But now that he knew how to take it, he loved the feeling of Johnny’s cock in his ass stuffing him almost past his limit. Johnny was always patient and caring, making sure he was fully prepped before any pay-off.

But for now, Johnny was making him wait.

Johnny laid down on top of him again.

Jaehyun devoured Johnny’s lips in another heated kiss. Johnny slid his arms around him, holding him tight. Jaehyun lifted his legs up, wrapping them around Johnny’s waist. Johnny groaned as he moved his hips against Jaehyun, grinding down into him, rubbing his thick cock against Jaehyun’s ass. Jaehyun hitched his legs up higher, so he could feel it sliding up and down his ass cheeks, Jaehyun’s cock trapped between them, throbbing with need. Jaehyun grunted when Johnny grabbed him and began stroking his cock, pumping his hand slowly up and down. Jaehyun groaned again, leaking so much pre-come now that Johnny didn’t need lube.

“Fucccccckkk…” Johnny grunted out. Jaehyun gasped when Johnny teased him, pressing the tip of his hard cock against Jaehyun’s hole very gently. Jaehyun reached between them to grab Johnny’s cock, pressing his hand against it to help him feel more friction as Johnny was humping him. They kissed frantically, moaning into each other’s mouths.

Johnny shifted and pushed Jaehyun’s legs down, changing positions. He trapped both their cocks between them and did his best to hold them both in one hand. Jaehyun gasped and groaned as Johnny began humping him faster, sliding their cocks together and doing his best to stroke them at the same time. Jaehyun bit down on Johnny’s lower lip, his breath hitching in his chest. Johnny pulled away after a moment and smiled at Jaehyun, letting go of their cocks. Instead, he brought his finger up to Jaehyun’s mouth for Jaehyun to suck. Jaehyun complied, sucking Johnny’s long finger into his mouth slowly. He sucked him hard, swirled his tongue all around Johnny’s finger, getting it nice and wet.

Johnny pulled his finger out of Jaehyun’s mouth with a lazy grin. Jaehyun was feeling so riled up but it was Johnny’s slicked up finger, sliding down to trace around the rim of his hole, that put him over the edge. Jaehyun let his head fall back and he cried out as his body contacted and he started to come all over Johnny’s chest. Johnny grinned and Jaehyun watched Johnny pump him through his orgasm as he was moaning and shaking.

“That’s it…” Johnny said, licking off the side of his hand. “God, you’re so hot, baby. Can I come on your abs?”

Jaehyun nodded, clutching the sleeping bag underneath him, his body still shaking with the aftershocks of his climax. Johnny made him feel so good.

“Fucking sexy…” Johnny murmured, jacking himself off quickly. After a moment, Jaehyun reached up to take over, wrapping both his hands around Johnny’s thick cock, moving them back and forth to the quick rhythm of his heavy breathing. Johnny let his head loll back in pleasure, his eyes closed, his hips quivering. He cried out Jaehyun’s name and Jaehyun bit his lip, feeling Johnny’s cock quiver and jerk as he shot come all over Jaehyun’s abs. Johnny always came so much, each time. Was that an American thing, too?

“Shiiiiiiiiiit…” Johnny leaned over Jaehyun again to press a hot, sexy kiss to the side of his neck. “You’re so pretty like that, baby. I wanna take a picture.”

“Hell no,” Jaehyun said, laughing.

“A mental picture.” Johnny sat back on his knees, his softening cock bobbing between his legs. He held his fingers in front of his face like a camera and made some clicking sounds.

“Pose for me, baby.”

Jaehyun sat up and stuck a finger in his mouth, mock-seductively.

“Oh, I’m hard again.”

Jaehyun flopped back down on the sleeping bag, laughing. Johnny grabbed a towel from his bag to clean them both up.

“Water break,” He said, handing Jaehyun a bottle of water.

“Champagne break,” Jaehyun said, putting the water aside, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig. “John.” Jaehyun gestured for Johnny to lay down on the sleeping bag beside him. Johnny finished chugging water and laid down.

Jaehyun switched position with him, getting up on his knees, straddling himself over Johnny’s hips.

“Open your mouth,” Jaehyun said. Johnny did as he asked, watching Jaehyun curiously. Jaehyun poured a little champagne in Johnny’s mouth and then kissed him hard. Johnny kind of choked, but other than that, it was sexy. They were laughing, but it was still sexy.

Jaehyun trickled some champagne on Johnny’s chest and took his time, sucking it off, slowly trailing his tongue around Johnny’s nipples to collect every last drop.

“Oh baby,” Johnny breathed out.

Jaehyun splashed some champagne on Johnny’s abs, using his open mouth to suck hard. He tried to lick it out of Johnny’s bellybutton but that took the game too far. Johnny jumped at the extreme ticklish sensation and knocked over the champagne bottle. Jaehyun grabbed it before it could spill too much and took a hard pull before making a face.

“Johnny, do you ever clean in there?”

“My bellybutton? I didn’t expect you to go in!”

Jaehyun laughed, making a face. “I’m gonna clean it for you next time we take a shower.”

“Wait, are you supposed to, like, wash your bellybutton?”

Jaehyun giggled, shaking his head as he moved down lower. He relished the way Johnny’s cock was twitching from all the attention. It never took him long to recharge. But it really started to stir after Jaehyun wrapped his hand around the base of Johnny’s cock. He just held it, firmly, his fingers barely able to reach all the way around, even though Jaehyun used to think he had a big hand. He leaned down and pressed his face against Johnny’s pubes. He knew Johnny washed here but it always smelled so _Johnny_. His purest form. Jaehyun didn’t know if this was normal because it had never been a thing before, but he loved rubbing his face in Johnny’s pubes and smelling him so strong. It went straight to Jaehyun’s cock. He felt himself stirring, too.

“God, babe…” Johnny breathed out, reaching down to press a hand on top of Jaehyun’s hair.

Jaehyun scraped his teeth, softly, against Johnny’s pubes, feeling the soft hairs between his teeth, the soft, slight give of Johnny’s skin. Johnny hissed, but not in a painful way. Jaehyun thought this little kink of his still surprised Johnny.

Jaehyun began to slowly pump Johnny’s cock, getting him back to full hardness. He moved his hand up and down, still pressing little kisses, nips and licks to Johnny’s pubic area. He could feel his boyfriend quivering underneath him. He loved having that power.

“Mmmm…” Jaehyun moaned, nuzzling his nose against the side of Johnny’s hard cock.

He finally sat up, licking over his lips, tasting Johnny there, strongly. Johnny’s eyes were closed, his face relaxed in pure pleasure. If Jaehyun were the one taking pictures, he would take a picture of this. Jaehyun made a mental screenshot of Johnny’s sexy face. Click click.

“You’re my dessert,” Jaehyun declared, in English. He grabbed the champagne bottle again and drizzled a little champagne over Johnny’s cock.

Johnny hissed, his eyes popping open, probably from the unexpected wet, chill on his dick. Jaehyun giggled a little. “Should have warned you.”

“I was just enjoying you have fun,” Johnny said, settling down again and closing his eyes.

“I’m gonna suck you off now,” Jaehyun said. He added a little more champagne. Now, Johnny was relaxed. Then Jaehyun bent over and proceeded to press his tongue down on the side of Johnny’s cock, tasting Johnny’s skin, his pre-come, the champagne, all mixed together.

“Ohhhh… fuuuuuck…” Johnny groaned.

“Mmmmm…” Jaehyun proceeded to give Johnny little licks all over his cock, stroking him lightly at the same time, adding some champagne whenever he needed a little boost. Of course, Johnny tasted good all on his own. Jaehyun pressed his open mouth along Johnny’s cock, like he was measuring him. Like Johnny was too big to handle. And he was a little too big but Jaehyun had plenty of practice by now.

“Ohhhh…” Jaehyun breathed out. He splashed a little more champagne on Johnny’s cock and then tipped his head down to suck the head of Johnny’s cock into his mouth.

“Shit—” Johnny hissed. Jaehyun smiled at his labored breathing.

He gave Johnny a hard suck, his hand stroking the rest of Johnny’s cock that wasn’t in his mouth. He felt Johnny’s hips jump. “Shhhh, baby…” he mumbled with Johnny’s cock still in his mouth. He pulled off with an audible pop and smiled at his boyfriend. Johnny was watching him. He loved to watch.

“You’re so good at this,” Johnny whispered. Jaehyun wasn’t sure, but he appreciated the encouragement. He tried his best.

“Johnny…” Jaehyun moaned, running his tongue along the rim of the head of Johnny’s cock. He held Johnny’s cock firmly and licked a stripe up the thick vein on the underside, pulsating under his touch. Then he poured more champagne on Johnny’s cock, opened his mouth wide, and slid his mouth down Johnny’s cock as far as he could before giving Johnny a hard suck.

“Fuck!” Johnny’s hips jerked a bit but Jaehyun knew he was trying his best to keep still.

Jaehyun couldn’t fit all of Johnny in his mouth. He’d never learned to deepthroat and they both agreed that trying wasn’t worth the potential damage to his vocal cords. But he did the best with what he could handle. He sucked his boyfriend hard, slowly moving his mouth up to Johnny’s tip, before swallowing him down again, about halfway. He felt Johnny shaking underneath him and smiled. Jaehyun kept the rhythm of his mouth slow, taking Johnny in all the way to his limit and then pulling up again. Jaehyun’s hand on the rest of Johnny’s cock moved quickly, up and down, twisting at the base, a firm grip.

Jaehyun felt Johnny’s fingers softly in his hair as he bobbed his head up and down, sometimes going a little faster, sometimes a little slower, sometimes coming off with loudest pop he could managed. When he needed a break, he blew air seductively over Johnny’s very sensitive tip.

“You taste amazing,” Jaehyun declared, before sliding his mouth down on Johnny again. He reached his other hand down to give himself a quick tug. Seeing Johnny this turned on made him so turned on as well. Then he moved to play with Johnny’s balls, very lightly.

“Oh-oh—” Johnny stuttered.

“Good…” Jaehyun gurgled, his mouth full of Johnny, all sorts of fluids slipping down his chin, some of it Johnny, some of it champagne, some of it his own saliva.

“Jae—” Johnny choked out.

Jaehyun pulled off again, recognizing the way Johnny said his name and took a deep breath. He wasn’t a swallower. Johnny didn’t mind. “Where do you wanna come?” Jaehyun asked.

“Just… a towel…”

Jaehyun grabbed the towel they had used to clean up with last time and then focused on finishing Johnny off with his hands. It didn’t take long. A couple of hard tugs and then Johnny was coming, so much like he hadn’t just come. Jaehyun stroked him, held the towel, leaned down and gave him a sticky kiss.

“Fuuuuuuuck…” Johnny groaned. “Wow, baby.”

Jaehyun smiled against his lips.

He wadded up the towel, which was totally useless now, and threw it in the corner. This time, Jaehyun did drink water as Johnny got on his knees to rifle through the bag.

“I got this to try, baby.” He showed Jaehyun a bottle of lube. It said Warming Sensation.

“Baby, it’s cold outside,” Johnny quipped with a grin.

“Okay,” Jaehyun panted.

“But first,” Johnny had Jaehyun lean back and put his head on a pillow. Jaehyun had forgotten about the pillows.

“First--” Johnny said, pushing Jaehyun’s knees back. Jaehyun grunted a bit, his hard cock bobbing, unassisted. But he knew Johnny would take care of that soon.

“First…” Johnny purred. Jaehyun watched Johnny dip his head lower, nudging the top of his nose against Jaehyun’s balls. First he pressed his tongue against Jaehyun’s perineum, making him gasp and jump. Then he trailed his tongue down to touch it against the entrance of Jaehyun’s hole, ever so softly. Jaehyun sucked in his breath and let it out with a greedy groan.

“Oh baby,” Johnny murmured. He started to drag his tongue across Jaehyun’s hole. Jaehyun felt himself melting under Johnny’s skilled tongue. Johnny twirled the tip of his tongue along the rim of Jaehyun’s hole. He kissed him there, the softest kiss. Then he began to lick his way inside Jaehyun, stroking Jaehyun’s cock languidly the whole time he was doing so. Jaehyun was helpless underneath him, nothing but a puddle.

“Dessert,” Johnny growled against Jaehyun’s hole. Jaehyun groaned, feeling the warmth of Johnny’s tongue everywhere inside him. Johnny lapped at Jaehyun like he was the champagne. He pushed his tongue in slowly, sweeping it in wide circles. When Johnny opened Jaehyun up a little more, he slid his tongue in and out in and out of Jaehyun’s hole, slowly at first and then more forcefully, tonguefucking Jaehyun as Jaehyun moaned.

Johnny always took his time with this part, Jaehyun’s hold softening and relaxing the longer Johnny ate him out. Johnny never seemed to get tired. He kept pumping Jaehyun’s cock and Jaehyun felt himself growing warmer. Johnny sucked on Jaehyun’s hole and moaned against his sensitive skin. He slid his tongue in deeper, reaching places inside that made Jaehyun jump.

“Come for me, baby,” Johnny whispered, stroking Jaehyun faster now. Johnny dove into his hole again, tongue sliding in deeper, moving with more purpose. Jaehyun felt goosebumps all over his body from the way Johnny’s tongue was stroking him inside. He clutched the sleeping bag. He felt his stomach contract.

Johnny gave his hole one more kiss and then sucked on Jaehyun’s ball sack.

Jaehyun cried out as he started to come. Johnny kissed him all over his ass as he stroked him through his high, Jaehyun’s body pumping out more and more. When he was done, Jaehyun gasped in surprise.

“Wow, baby…” Johnny murmured, looking over his messy hand, still holding Jaehyun’s cock. “It’s good I brought lots and lots of towels!”

Jaehyun threw the spare pillow at him.

“You okay?” Johnny asked, kissing the inside of Jaehyun’s thighs, each one in turn. Jaehyun nodded, smiling at Johnny fondly.

“Good.” Johnny kissed his stomach. Then he grabbed the lube again. “Let’s try this. Warming sensation.”

Johnny warmed it up in his hands before applying so to Jaehyun’s hole, even though it was supposed to already be warm or whatever. He watched Johnny rub it over his hole.

“What do you think, baby?” Johnny asked. “How does it feel?”

“Mmm…” Jaehyun paused for a moment. “It’s okay.” It was a bit tingly.

A couple minutes later, it was a lot tingly.

A couple minutes after that, while Johnny was slowly pumping two fingers in and out of his hole, it was way too tingly. When they said warming sensation, did they actually mean burning?

“I don’t like it!” Jaehyun finally gasped out. “It’s too much—”

“I’m sorry!” Johnny cried. He got a towel and some water, using that to clean all the lube off and out of Jaehyun. “How does it feel now?” He gave Jaehyun’s hole a few kisses and licks. “Tastes terrible.”

“It’s better,” Jaehyun said, laughing a little. “You got it, Johnny.”

“Sorry…” Johnny smiled sheepishly. He reached back into the bag. “I have the regular stuff, too.”

Jaehyun breathed a sigh of relief as Johnny drizzled their usual lube over his hole. Johnny kissed the underside of Jaehyun’s thighs and ass cheeks as he worked his fingers inside him again, using lots and lots of lube. First two fingers, in and out slowly, spreading his fingers apart, inside. Then, when Jaehyun gave the okay, three fingers. For some reason, the sounds aroused Jaehyun, the wet squelches, even the sound of Johnny squeezing the lube bottle. It didn’t take much time before he was hard again and Johnny had been hard for a while.

“So… tight…” Johnny breathed out, still working him with three fingers. Jaehyun breathed hard, swallowing as Johnny started moving his fingers inside him faster. His body always opened up for Johnny. Just another thing Johnny was good at.

“Okay,” Jaehyun panted. Johnny slipped in 4 fingers and Jaehyun gasped. It was always a little tough when they got this far, but necessary, otherwise, Johnny wasn’t going to fit. He focused on breathing in through his nose, out through his mouth. Johnny moved slowly, carefully, still using a lot of lube. That was the secret. Everything had to be really slick.

“Doing great, baby,” Johnny said. Jaehyun peeked down at his focused face. “How are you feeling?”

“Good, John…” Jaehyun mumbled. He grabbed his own cock, began stroking himself. That also helped him relax.

“Oh, baby…” Johnny continued to move his fingers in and out of him, Jaehyun breathing evenly. After a little while, everything was getting more comfortable and his body began craving a higher level of pressure and pleasure. Johnny spread his fingers apart, really working him open, sinking his fingers as far as they could go.

“I think…” Jaehyun choked out, a little while later.

“I think so, too,” Johnny said. Jaehyun had his eyes closed, but he heard Johnny squirting more lube on his hands, slicking up his cock up really well. Jaehyun sighed with pleasurable anticipation.

Johnny was on his knees. He grabbed Jaehyun’s legs and hauled them over his shoulders so he could get a deep angle. They had experimented with positions and this was one of the better ones, especially to start. Jaehyun opened his eyes and blinked up at Johnny, hovering over him.

“Okay?” Johnny asked, looking deep into Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaehyun nodded, closing his eyes again as Johnny pressed his forehead to Jaehyun’s. He felt the heat of the tip of Johnny’s wet cock against his slick hole. He gasped slightly when Johnny started to push inside, feeling that resistance there until they both felt the pop and Johnny slid past his tight ring.

“Mmmph—” Jaehyun grunted.

“You okay?” Johnny asked again. Jaehyun nodded and clutched Johnny’s sides. It didn’t hurt anymore when they did this but it was still a lot, an overwhelming feeling that Jaehyun enjoyed.

Johnny kept pushing in slowly, until his cock was almost completely sheathed in Jaehyun’s hole. Then they both held still, holding each other, breathing slowly together. Jaehyun swallowed, his body adjusting, his walls expanding for Johnny’s cock and then clenching down against Johnny like they wanted more.

Jaehyun wanted more, too.

“Okay, Johnny,” he whispered.

Johnny pulled back, slowly, and then pushed inside him once again. Jaehyun responded with a groan, his body responding too, all of him trying to draw Johnny in deeper, wanting more.

“Ahhhh…” Jaehyun groaned out, his heart pounding in pleasure.

“That’s it, baby,” Johnny cooed. He moved himself in and out, in and out, finding the perfect rhythm, not too slow, not too fast. The rhythm where Jaehyun could move with him and fully relax. The rhythm where they were both breathing hard and gasping out around the same time. The rhythm that reminded Jaehyun how much he loved having sex with Johnny, how Johnny knew just how to make his body feel good, how to make all his troubles melt away.

Jaehyun felt sweat run down the side of his face, but it was the good kind of sweat. His body was being overwhelmed with pleasure, it had to come out somewhere before he was ready to come. Now that Johnny had the right rhythm, he used one hand to brace Jaehyun’s legs and the other to grab Jaehyun’s cock, stroking him erratically, while Jaehyun held onto Johnny’s hips.

“John—John—” Jaehyun panted out, each time Johnny thrust into him again.

“Say my name, babe,” Johnny murmured, never losing a stroke.

After a while, Jaehyun wanted Johnny to get deeper. It was a good position, but Johnny didn’t have the right angle to hit his spot.

“John…” Jaehyun said. “Can we turn around?”

Johnny nodded, sliding out of Jaehyun with a wet pop. Johnny applied more lube as Jaehyun turned around on his hands and knees. Johnny applied some more lube to Jaehyun’s hole as well, fingering him and applying it liberally.

“Okay, baby,” Johnny said. Jaehyun bent his head as Johnny entered him from behind. It went much more smoothly this time, now that he was fully opened up. Jaehyun gasped, the sensation completely different. From here, Johnny thrust into him deeply, at an angle where he was more able to reach Jaehyun’s spot, pounding the head of his cock against Jaehyun’s prostate. Jaehyun cried out the first time Johnny hit the sweet spot just right.

“I’m gonna make you do that again!” Johnny cried out. Jaehyun moaned louder when Johnny kept his promise.

They began fucking harder. Jaehyun tried to push back when Johnny slammed inside of him to feel even more pressure. They moaned and grunted with each thrust. Jaehyun’s whole body was shaking. He felt himself getting closer. Jaehyun savored the smack of Johnny’s crotch against his ass. The rhythm Johnny had now was perfect. He was hitting that spot over and over again, obliterating Jaehyun with pleasure, turning him to dust.

Johnny hauled Jaehyun back, so he was holding Jaehyun against him while he was still fucking him, as hard as he could. He snaked a hand up Jaehyun’s chest, up to the column of his throat, closing his long fingers around it gently, just enough. This was Jaehyun’s request; Johnny never would have thought of it on his own. But Jaehyun liked the way it made him a touch lightheaded, his own moans getting stuck and choked off in his throat. The way it turned his brain off even more. It was the closest he’d ever come to getting high.

He liked the sensation of being just a little bit out of control.

It made his orgasm so much stronger.

And he was about to come. Jaehyun knew Johnny could tell. He could feel Johnny’s hips shaking behind him. They were moving together. Jaehyun stroked his own cock furiously as Johnny fucked him, held him securely, tightened his fingers just a little more—

Jaehyun felt the familiar sensation in his belly, starting at a low boil, traveling lower, all through him, getting ready—

Jaehyun couldn’t take a deep enough breath.

Johnny slammed into his spot one more time.

Jaehyun cried out Johnny’s name, coming all at once, his orgasm the most powerful one of the night, sending shockwaves through his body as he fell over, helpless, once Johnny released the grip on his throat. Johnny continued to fuck him, hard, fucking him through his orgasm and then he could feel Johnny releasing inside of him.

“Oh, Jaehyun!” Johnny shouted. “Fuck!”

Jaehyun pressed his forehead against the pillow and groaned. He felt Johnny’s come filling him up, spilling out of him. He gripped the pillow and moaned. His heart was racing. His body was humming. His mind was numb.

Johnny pulled out of him wetly and laid on top of him.

They both laid there, sprawled out, panting.

Jaehyun had his eyes closed tightly.

2021 felt so good.

“I love it, Johnny…” Jaehyun finally breathed out.

“I love—” Johnny said from above him. He kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head.

Johnny wouldn’t allow them to lie there too long without cleaning up before everything could get hard and gross. There was so much lube and come. Jaehyun was grateful for Johnny’s endless supply of towels as Johnny cleaned him up.

They put on their robes (Johnny had one too) and stepped outside of the tent for some fresh air. They each brushed their teeth (Johnny brought the toothbrushes and the toothpaste) and spit over the side of the roof, staring at the beautiful Seoul skyline.

“This is going to be the best year ever,” Johnny whispered, his arm around Jaehyun. He kissed the side of Jaehyun’s head.

Jaehyun nodded. He wanted to believe Johnny. He wanted this to be the best year ever.

But there was something he needed to fix first.

*

**January 2 nd, 2021**

_Dear Jungwoo,_

_I’m really sorry for betraying your trust. That was the last thing I meant to do. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Maybe we can hang out sometime? I miss you._

_Love, Jaehyun_

Jaehyun enclosed his note in an envelope, along with a gift card to Jungwoo’s favorite fast food place. The way to Jungwoo’s heart was through his stomach and Johnny had a lot of success dealing with Haechan through bribery. Maybe this would work.

He wrote Jungwoo’s name on the front of the envelope in loopy script and left it on Jungwoo’s nightstand before he left for his schedules.

Dear M was almost finished filming. Inkigayo was preparing for some special events. He’d been tapped for an SM Station collaboration. They were starting to prepare for a comeback without Taeyong, so his manager told him that he’d probably have a lot of center parts. Jaehyun needed to keep in shape.

Despite his busy schedule, Jaehyun checked his phone whenever he could.

He got a lot of cute messages from Johnny.

Nothing from Jungwoo.

**January 10 th, 2021**

_Morning, Roomie! It’s supposed to be really bright and sunny out today. Do you want to go ice skating? I have the afternoon free. I’ll treat you to lots of hot chocolate. Text me._

_Love, Jaehyun_

Jaehyun stared at his blank phone as Johnny sat with him during a lunch break on set. It was sweet of Johnny to visit.

“I’ll go ice skating with you,” Johnny said. “Could be romantic….”

Jaehyun shrugged. “Let’s just go to your room and mess around.”

Jungwoo didn’t text him.

**January 18 th, 2021**

_Hi Jungwoo. I wanted to say that you were looking very cute on the new NCT Daily video. I wish we could make one together. I never get to talk to you anymore, even though we live together. I just want to chat. When are you free? I really miss you, Jungwoo._

_Love, Jaehyun_

Even when they had practice together, Jungwoo would barely look at him. Every break, Jungwoo left the room and didn’t come back until it was over. Jaehyun didn’t know how long this could go on. It really hurt.

All the hyungs met one afternoon to talk about Taeyong’s absence. Taeyong was still living in the dorms, taking it easy. His days were filled with physical therapy and other activities to get him ready for his upcoming back surgery. It scared Jaehyun whenever he thought about it.

“I really want us to have a strong Spring comeback,” Taeyong told all of them. “I know you can do it. I hope I can be back in some capacity by the summer.” Taeyong gave them all a sad smile. The mood in the room was tense.

Taeyong asked to speak to Jaehyun once everyone was leaving. Jaehyun took a deep breath, closing Taeyong’s door behind them so it was just the two of them in Taeyong’s room.

“How’s Jungwoo?” Taeyong asked. Jaehyun knew he was going to say that.

Jaehyun shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s quiet but he does hang out with Haechan and Mark all the time now. He still won’t talk to me.”

Taeyong nodded. “Give him time, Jaehyun. Don’t give up.”

**January 25 th, 2021**

_Hi, Jungwoo. I bet these notes annoy you, I just don’t know how else to talk to you, since you don’t open any of my KakaoTalk messages. Johnny and I went to a cool art museum the other night. I think you would like it because it was interactive and full of pop art. I’d love to take you. I’ll take you anywhere. Do you want to go anywhere? Maybe we can fake sick together one day. Maybe you can write me a note?_

_Love, Jaehyun_

_PS – have you noticed this funny smell in our room lately? Do you mind if I light some candles? Airing out the room isn’t working._

Jaehyun got back to his empty room a couple of days later, exhausted after a full day of filming, doing a photoshoot and then doing press. He dropped onto his bed, too tired to even open his new message from Johnny and closed his eyes, pressing face against his pillow.

He heard something crinkle underneath his pillow.

Jaehyun lifted his head, reached under his pillow and pulled something out.

It was a note.

Jaehyun opened it, his hands shaking, his heart pounding.

This was finally it.

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_Stop._

_Jungwoo_

Jaehyun read the short note a couple of times. His heart felt like it was stuck in his throat. He looked over at Jungwoo’s messy, rumpled up bed. He remembered when Jungwoo used to smile at him and try to talk to him all night.

Why did he take that for granted?

Jaehyun crumpled the note up in his hand and felt tears welling in his eyes. He laid his head back down on his pillow. He took a shaky breath. He swallowed hard, feeling the lump in his throat.

But then he remembered he couldn’t give in.

Jaehyun sniffed hard, sitting up. First, he left his room and checked the apartment. Everyone was out.

Then he went back to his room and opened his bottom dresser drawer. He found his old candle stash. He set a couple of candles on top of his vanity and lit them with a stray matchbook he had.

Then he called Johnny. His boyfriend picked up on the first ring.

“Yes, honey?” Johnny said, cheerfully.

“John,” Jaehyun said. “Let’s fuck. Come over. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Jaehyun stopped lighting candles in his bedroom because Jungwoo doesn’t like artificial smells. This thread of Jaehyun doing considerate things for his members makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside: https://twitter.com/jaehvunism/status/1263154451138793473 I love him.
> 
> If you made it through this chapter, wow, thank you.
> 
> Updates will be slower now because sadly, winter break is over. Back to the real world. Writing these stories have been the greatest entertainment for me all break… thank you all so much for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun and Johnny celebrate a month of birthdays.

“It’s Aquarius seasonnnnnnnnnnnn!” Johnny yelled, bursting in the practice room.

“No,” Doyoung said, looking up from the chair he was sitting on.

Jaehyun held the cake, walking in behind Johnny, along with the others. They immediately started singing Happy Birthday, but in all sorts of goofy ways. Johnny was doing something like, screamo rock. Taeil was doing opera. Mark and Haechan were doing a terrible rap version. Yuta sang it in Japanese.

Jaehyun sang it very fast. He was already late to leave for his interviews, but Johnny insisted he be part of the birthday festivities. They needed to celebrate all the February birthdays together, Johnny said.

Taeyong wasn’t expected at practice.

Jungwoo was nowhere to be found.

“Happy birthday to you!” Jaehyun finished his version of the song, setting the cake in Doyoung’s lap.

“I didn’t ask for this,” Doyoung said.

“Happy Birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!” Johnny screamed, doing an air guitar riff on the floor. Everyone was either laughing or going crazy. Did they all have cocaine for breakfast? Jaehyun hadn’t been invited.

“Hyung, I have to go,” Jaehyun said, apologetically. “Happy birthday.”

“Jaehyun, don’t leave me.”

“Hey!” Johnny called out, when Jaehyun was halfway down the hallway. He ran over to him. Jaehyun didn’t stop walking.

“You didn’t say bye,” Johnny said, catching up to him with those long legs.

“You were too busy singing,” Jaehyun said.

“Let me walk with you.” Johnny took his hand. Jaehyun checked his watch.

“I’m late, John.”

“This month is really important,” Johnny said, holding Jaehyun’s hand tightly. “Thank you. I know we made you late, but I needed you there. We need to kick this month off right. Our birthday month. Our second anniversary month. Our first Valentine’s Day together.”

Jaehyun didn’t know how Johnny could keep all of this straight. The only thing he could think about now was how he was supposed to be doing socially distant interviews for Dear M for the next three hours. He had to hit his talking points and keep smiling the whole time.

Plus, how could they kick the month off right when Jungwoo wasn’t there?

It was Jungwoo’s birthday month, too.

Speaking of which, suddenly he saw Jungwoo walking towards them, track pants on, beanie low on his head, hands in his pockets, head down. His lanky legs were almost as long as Johnny’s.

“Jungwoo!” Jaehyun called. “Hey! Where—”

Jungwoo strode by them without a glance.

Jaehyun stopped walking and sighed.

“Babe.” Johnny ran into him, having slipped behind him to let Jungwoo pass. “Sorry.”

Jaehyun looked over his shoulder at Jungwoo’s retreating back. He disappeared in the practice room.

Why was Jungwoo always so angry?

Why couldn’t Jaehyun get through to him?

“Jaehyun!” Johnny said, taking Jaehyun’s arm. “You’re late. Remember?”

Jaehyun nodded and started walking again.

“You can’t make Jungwoo come around, babe,” Johnny said, walking him over to the side door that led to the parking lot where Jaehyun’s manager was waiting with the van. “I told you, you have to give him space.”

Jaehyun and Johnny had had this conversation several times, especially since the last thing Jungwoo said to him, which was simply the note that said stop. Johnny told him to leave Jungwoo alone and let him come around. He said it was normal. It was no big deal.

But Jaehyun couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Jungwoo had never been an angry person.

“Jae,” Johnny said when they got to the exit. Jaehyun went to open the door, but Johnny laid a gentle hand on it to keep it closed. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Johnny, I gotta go,” Jaehyun mumbled. “So do you.” He could hear the familiar notes of the opening melody of their latest comeback song. They were just learning the choreography. Jaehyun was painfully behind, as usual.

“I know,” Johnny said. “This will be quick.”

Jaehyun took a deep breath and let it out noisily through his nose. He looked up to meet Johnny’s eyes.

Johnny was looking back at him, seriously. “This month is really important to me, babe,” Johnny said. “I have a lot of things planned. I want it to be a surprise but… I wanted to ask you. Will you please leave a lot of time for us this month?”

Jaehyun snorted out a laugh before he could stop himself. Leave a lot of time? What time?

Johnny frowned.

“I know you’re busy,” Johnny said, quietly. “Busier than me. But I meant the time we do have together; can we spend it focused on us?”

Jaehyun grit his teeth.

“Instead of like… talking about work? Or Jungwoo?”

“Johnny, I’ve _got_ to go,” Jaehyun spat out. Johnny lifted his hand. Jaehyun pushed the door open and hurried over to his van. He knew he’d been a little mean to his boyfriend, but he was beyond stressed out right now. He wasn’t in the mood for one more thing. His manager was standing there, leaning against the van, smoking a cigarette.

“Can I have one?” Jaehyun asked, before he climbed in the van.

It was cold to be riding with the windows down in February, but the cigarette help keep him warm. It also helped him relax. Jaehyun could kind of understand why Jungwoo used to do this.

He didn’t understand much else about Jungwoo.

He wondered if Jungwoo missed him even a little bit. He missed Jungwoo so much.

Maybe they could even talk about Johnny. Jaehyun adored everything about Johnny, especially sleeping with him. Having sex with Johnny was the perfect escape. He had never matched sexually with someone so well before.

But sometimes Johnny could be a little suffocating.

Jaehyun was nervous about February, this thing Johnny was building it up to be. They’d barely been officially dating for a month. He didn’t want to go too fast. He felt like if it was up to Johnny, they’d be moving at the speed of light. Maybe even married tomorrow.

Johnny’s extreme romantic side was like a blessing and a curse.

Jaehyun didn’t know what to think. That’s why he was half-hanging out of a freezing cold car window, puffing on a cigarette.

So, he wouldn’t have to think at all.

“We’re here,” his manager said, coming to an abrupt stop in front of a building.

Jaehyun tossed his cigarette out the window. He stuck a piece of gum in his mouth, dabbed on a little extra cologne and checked his appearance in the mirror.

Perfect. He was ready.

At least he could do something in his life right.

*

Dear M was supposed to premiere on February 12th. On February 4th, they were still doing re-shoots for the first episode. Jaehyun had to go to a recording booth to say some of his lines again because they were too quiet the first time. They even had to dye his hair again, back to dark brown for the show. He was running back and forth between the SM building to the TV studios to Inkigayo studios and every other studio. It felt like he barely got any time to sit. He had so many lines and lyrics and dance moves rattling around in his head that he didn’t have any room to think.

They visited the Dreamies’ practice on February 5th to cheer Jisung for his birthday. Jaehyun felt like he was barely there, even though he wanted to celebrate their maknae finally becoming an adult. He had to leave immediately because he had an appointment at their hair and makeup studio, then a photoshoot, then another re-shoot, a line reading in the studio and needed to attend a meeting for an OST that SM had tapped him for.

He was waking up early and going to bed late. The days blurred together. Only his manager knew where he was going and what he was supposed to do. When he got back to his room, Jungwoo was asleep. When he woke up, Jungwoo was asleep. If he ever got back in the middle of the day, Jungwoo was gone. Jaehyun felt like he never got a minute alone and at the same time, he was always alone. He didn’t get a chance to do the things he wanted to do. He barely had time to text Johnny.

He barely had time to eat.

One day, Jaehyun was blissfully released from a meeting early and he had time to go back to his room and take a nap. Like usual, it was empty, no sign of Jungwoo anywhere. Just that strange, lingering smell their room had sometimes. Like Jungwoo wasn’t taking his laundry out or something but now that they had a Dorm Auntie, that wasn’t an issue. Jaehyun crossed the room and cracked a window. Then he flopped down face down on his bed.

He was ready to pass out.

Jaehyun yawned, flopping over on his side. Maybe he should see if Johnny wanted to come to come and nap with him? He reached for his phone, lazily unlocking it, when a notification caught his eye. It was one of those memories from his photo storage app.

A picture of him with Jungwoo.

He couldn’t remember where they were. But Jaehyun had his arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders and they were each making silly faces for the camera. It looked like they were having a lot of fun. After thinking about it for a moment, Jaehyun remembered that it was some random get together the guys had at a restaurant, back when things were normal. Not just before COVID normal, but when things were normal between him and Jungwoo. When they were best roommates. Jungwoo had just come back to the team. Everything was so happy. Jaehyun missed the way that Jungwoo used to hang all over him and laugh loudly in his ear.

He wondered if Jungwoo missed it too.

God, how much did Jaehyun miss that smile? He never saw it on Jungwoo anymore.

Jaehyun did that. This was all Jaehyun’s fault. He made Jungwoo so sullen and angry. Even though he liked Johnny so much, it truly pained him that he couldn’t return Jungwoo’s feelings. If he’d only kissed Jungwoo back that night, he’d still have his sweet roommate and sweet friend. He wouldn’t have to worry about Jungwoo all the time. They could just be together.

Except, that would never work because he’d liked Johnny for a long time.

Jaehyun rolled over on his back and sighed. He rubbed over his face, wearily.

Then he got an idea.

Jaehyun slid off his bed and got up to look in his vanity drawer. Inside, just like he expected, he saw a movie ticket stub. He picked it up carefully.

It was the last movie he saw with Jungwoo, which was crazy, because it was from almost a whole year ago, before the stupid lockdown shut down the movies for so long. He remembered them both laughing together at this stupid movie.

The memory made him smile.

Jaehyun went in his closet and found a new pair of shoes he hadn’t bothered to wear yet. He tossed the shoes aside and carried out the pristine, white shoe box. He grabbed a sharpie from the kitchen and came back to his room. Sitting at his vanity, he wrote on the top of the shoebox “Something to make you smile” in his very best handwriting.

He placed the movie ticket inside.

Maybe this would help. Maybe Jungwoo would feel better if Jaehyun could only remind him of all the fun they used to have.

This could work.

Jaehyun’s schedule stayed non-stop but if Jaehyun had even a minute of free time he spent it working on Jungwoo’s present. He bought some snoopy stickers. He added candy that Jungwoo really liked. A silly ribbon from a team bowling event (they lost, even though Jaehyun was a bowling star). Some pictures Jaehyun printed out, a few of his favorites. Jaehyun never got much sleep, barely had time to talk to Johnny, but if there was any time at all, any time to breathe, Jaehyun worked on the box. Jungwoo’s birthday was near the end of the month, but it was coming up fast.

One night, Jaehyun finally got out of his schedules before 2am so he spent his free time working on finishing the friendship bracelet he made for Jungwoo. It was cheesy, but he saw a TikTok on how to make one and it looked cool. All he had to do was buy some black and lime green string, knot the ends, tape the end to his vanity desk and weave the strings around each other over and over again until it was finished.

Making a friendship bracelet was relaxing.

He sighed happily when he finished and then checked his clock. It was a little after 10pm.

Was this possible? 10pm and he had nothing to do?

Jaehyun chuckled happily, getting up and flopping back on his bed. He was going to go to sleep. Maybe he should tell Johnny goodnight. He grabbed his phone with a yawn.

Jaehyun bolted up when he realized what day it was.

February 9th.

“Oh fuck--” Jaehyun breathed, alone in his room.

He’d completely forgotten. He hadn’t talked to Johnny all day besides their good morning texts. His schedules had been back-to-back and then he got caught up finishing that bracelet.

Jaehyun pressed his hands against his face.

He hadn’t been at practice, so he missed the team birthday cake tradition. Their schedules didn’t overlap. He literally hadn’t seen Johnny all day.

Jaehyun didn’t even have a present.

He was in deep shit.

Jaehyun hustled out of his room, slipped his shoes on at the front door and ran down the stairs to the 5th floor dorm. He knocked, loudly.

Haechan opened the door and gave him a look.

“Oooooo,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “Hyung’s in trouuuuble!”

“Where is he?” Jaehyun asked.

“He’s in the kitchen.”

Jaehyun kicked off his shoes and hurried into the kitchen. Johnny was sitting in there, drinking a beer with Yuta. Why didn’t any of their members remind him?

“Johnny, I am so sorry,” Jaehyun said, as soon as he walked in the kitchen.

Johnny smiled at him, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“There he is,” he said. “My handsome and sexy actor.”

Jaehyun sighed, running over to grab Johnny’s face and smother his lips in an apologetic kiss. He was really a jerk for forgetting about his boyfriend’s birthday.

“It’s okay,” Johnny said. He pulled Jaehyun down on top of his lap.

He hugged Jaehyun tightly.

“I’ll give you two some space,” Yuta said, getting up and excusing himself. Once he was gone, Jaehyun kissed Johnny again and stared at him. He didn’t know what to say. His heart was beating so fast.

“It’s okay,” Johnny said again, breaking the silence. He shook Jaehyun gently and gave a little, hollow laugh. “I know you’re really busy. I’ve seen your schedule.”

Jaehyun pressed his face against Johnny’s shoulder and groaned.

“Let’s go to my car,” Johnny said. They got up and didn’t even bother putting on coats. Jaehyun held Johnny’s hand tightly as they walked through the heated garage. Johnny opened the back door to his car. Jaehyun climbed inside.

“Let me make it up to you,” Jaehyun whispered, pulling Johnny over to him after he closed the door. He shifted over Johnny’s lap and pushed him to lay back across the back seat. Jaehyun kissed him sweetly at first but quickly heated it up, sliding his tongue deep in Johnny’s mouth while at the same time, snaking his hand between Johnny’s thighs and finding his bulge, rubbing him back and forth to the same rhythm as their kisses.

Johnny kissed him back but after a few moments, Johnny grabbed Jaehyun’s hand.

“Jae,” Johnny said, softly. “Can you… can we just talk for a minute?”

Jaehyun pulled away, breathing hard.

“Do you ever,” Johnny said, slowly. “Notice this about you?”

Jaehyun blinked as Johnny sat up.

“What?” he asked.

“Whenever you’re feeling bad…” Johnny said. “You jump straight to sex.”

Jaehyun laughed a little, even though nothing was funny.

“I love having sex with you,” Johnny said. “So, I don’t mind but… at the same time? Sometimes I just want to talk. I want to listen to you, and I want you to listen to me.”

Jaehyun sat there, dumbly.

“I don’t want to feel like…” Johnny shrugged again. “We’re just sex buddies. You’re my boyfriend. We should be having real conversations. We can have sex but if something’s bothering you, you can tell me that, too.”

Jaehyun felt Johnny’s gaze boring a hole through him as Jaehyun stared at Johnny’s messy floor mats. There were five Starbucks cups on the floor. He couldn’t speak. In times like this, it was like his brain didn’t work. There was something broken about him.

“Okay,” Jaehyun finally sputtered out.

“Jae.” Johnny tipped Jaehyun’s chin up so Jaehyun was forced to look in his eyes. “I mean it. I wanna listen to your every thought. There’s nothing I like more than being with you and talking to you. That mind.” Johnny leaned in and rubbed his forehead against Jaehyun’s. “It’s amazing. It’s so sexy. My boyfriend is so smart.” Johnny kissed Jaehyun’s forehead and Jaehyun smiled, reluctantly.

He really didn’t deserve Johnny.

“I’m sorry, John,” Jaehyun said. He didn’t know what else to say. I’m sorry wasn’t good enough.

“It’s okay. It really is.” Johnny took Jaehyun’s hand and gave it a kiss. “I just…” Johnny took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I understand. I understand you’re busy. You’re beautiful. You’re in demand. I love it, Jae. But…” Johnny paused again. Jaehyun’s heart beat a little fast. “I just want you to make me more of a priority. Like… we don’t even need to see each other every day, but… maybe you can text me more? Or call me? Let’s check in. I didn’t speak to you all day. You never replied.”

Jaehyun nodded. He knew he was guilty of this. Sometimes he was too caught up in his schedules and sometimes, he simply didn’t want to talk to anyone. But he needed to make more of an effort.

For Johnny.

He was a shitty boyfriend.

“You’re right, John,” Jaehyun said, finding his voice again. “We should talk more. About real things. And I… I’ll be better about talking to you every day. Making more time for you. I’m sorry about your birthday, Johnny. I’ll make it up to you.”

Johnny shook his head with a small smile. “You make it up to me by just being here. I love being with you so much.” Johnny slid his arms around Jaehyun and pulled him into a hug. Jaehyun melted into his arms, with a heavy sigh. Johnny kissed his hair.

“Let’s cuddle, Jae,” Johnny said. “Being with you makes this the best birthday ever.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes, holding Johnny tightly.

Johnny really was an amazing boyfriend.

Jaehyun wished that he could tell Jungwoo about this night.

But Jungwoo wouldn’t listen.

*

On February 12th, Johnny surprised Jaehyun with flowers and put together a premiere watch party in the theater room at SM so all the NCT members could get together and watch the first episode of Dear M.

Jaehyun sat curled up in one of the super comfortable leather recliners with Johnny beside him, holding his hand, watching nervously. He had seen himself on screen plenty of times but there was something different about watching himself in a drama on a huge movie screen. At times, it was cringey, bordering on painful. Everyone yelled and laughed at a cheesy thing he said and Jaehyun buried his face against Johnny’s arm. Johnny never laughed with them. He kept saying “You’re amazing” over and over as they watched.

When the episode was over, everyone burst into applause. A couple of staff members wheeled in a huge sheet cake with Jaehyun’s face on it that said CONGRATULATIONS ACTOR JUNG! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Jaehyun laughed as everyone sang him Happy Birthday and then fought over who got to eat Jaehyun’s face. 

“I get to eat that ass,” Johnny whispered in Jaehyun’s ear. Jaehyun giggled.

It was a perfect birthday celebration.

Except for one thing.

Jungwoo wasn’t there.

After cake and hanging out, Jaehyun helped Johnny clean up. He walked up and down the rows of theater seating, picking up discarded paper plates and trash, dumping them into a trash bag.

“It’s your _birthday_ , babe,” Johnny said, bumping Jaehyun with his hip playfully. “Get out of here. I know you have schedules in the morning.”

Jaehyun shook his head. Johnny had agreed to clean up the room in exchange for using it for Jaehyun’s party. The least he could do was help. Jaehyun owed Johnny anyway.

“I wanted to plan your team birthday celebration a couple days early,” Johnny said, wrapping up cake to divide between all 5 dorms. There was a lot of leftover cake. “Because on your real birthday, on Valentine’s Day, you’re gonna be all mine.”

Johnny grinned at him. Jaehyun smiled back, running a hand through his hair.

“Um,” Jaehyun started. He couldn’t help asking. “Did you see Jungwoo today?”

Johnny sighed.

Jaehyun bit his lip as Johnny looked over at him. “Babe,” he said. “I tried talking to him. I really did. But—”

“What did you say?” Jaehyun interrupted, his heart rate kicking up a notch.

Johnny raised his eyebrows. Jaehyun guessed he said it a bit harshly. “I only asked him what his problem was.”

“Johnny.” Jaehyun huffed out a sigh.

“No. Someone should ask him. I told him he was acting like a brat. I told him that straight up.”

Jaehyun tipped his head and frowned at Johnny with another sigh.

“Don’t look at me like that, Jae.” Johnny shook his head. “I said that you missed him. I asked him to be reasonable. He basically told me to fuck off.”

“No, he didn’t, Johnny.”

“Yes, he did! And the only reason he didn’t use those exact words is because I’m 3 years older than him and I’ll make him remember if I need to.”

Jaehyun crossed his arms over his chest.

“I told him that we all missed him, but you missed him the most. Someone needs to say something. I know he’s pissed off that you talked about him kissing you but that’s not a good reason to ice someone out for two months. I told him that you were only concerned for his safety, something he caused by continuing to run off! He’s not listening to reason, Jaehyun. I don’t know what to do with the kid.”

“Okay, Johnny!” Jaehyun snapped.

Johnny closed his mouth.

“Don’t talk to him anymore,” Jaehyun said. “Especially not on my behalf.” Couldn’t Johnny see he was only making it worse? They stood in silence for a little while. Jaehyun stared at the floor. There was cake smashed in the carpet. It was a mess.

“Fine,” Johnny said. “Gladly.”

They went back to work. Jaehyun tried to clean the cake up with a plastic knife and a few napkins.

“He said you could move out,” Johnny said, out of the blue.

“What?” Jaehyun looked up from where he was crouching over the carpet.

“Why not?” Johnny stared at him. “You could switch with Haechan. It would make—”

“No!” Jaehyun said, standing up.

Johnny scoffed and looked away.

“I’m staying in my room,” Jaehyun said, quietly.

“Whatever,” Johnny mumbled.

Jaehyun wanted to say something like, don’t be jealous, but he knew Johnny wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t sure what Johnny was. The only thing he was sure of was that Johnny didn’t understand. Jaehyun wanted to be there for Jungwoo more than anything. It would take more than a bad attitude for him to give that up.

Jaehyun had waited for Jungwoo for so long. He was not giving up on his roommate.

“I’m gonna go,” Jaehyun said, dropping the plastic knife.

Johnny nodded. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for the party,” Jaehyun said. “It was very sweet.”

Johnny turned to look at him. The anger was gone. Johnny’s face was full of sincerity. Just like so many other times, Jaehyun’s heart melted when he looked at him.

“I’ll do anything for you, Jaehyun,” Johnny said. “I keep telling you that.”

Jaehyun walked over to him and gave him a sweet kiss. Johnny knew all about loyalty. So why was he so against Jaehyun being loyal to Jungwoo?

“Goodnight, John,” Jaehyun whispered against Johnny’s lips.

He guessed that they still had a lot to learn about each other.

*

Jaehyun snagged the cake for the 10th floor dorm and headed back, leaving Johnny there, cleaning up and listening to his music. It wasn’t too late when he got back to his room, but Johnny was right. He had schedules early so he needed to go to bed.

Jaehyun was surprised to see Jungwoo in his bed, lying on his back, watching a movie on his phone. He wasn’t wearing headphones, so the dialogue filled the room. It was an action movie in English. Jaehyun wondered if Jungwoo had the subs on.

“Hey,” Jaehyun said to him.

Jungwoo didn’t look up.

“I brought you cake,” Jaehyun said. ‘Well, for the dorm. It’s in the kitchen.”

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. It had been like talking to a wall for weeks. Jaehyun continued.

“It’s from my birthday party,” Jaehyun said. “We watched the first episode of Dear M. I don’t know if it’s any good. But.” He shrugged. Jungwoo still didn’t move. “I’m happy I did it. Johnny said— “

Jungwoo got up abruptly and left the room.

Jaehyun fell face down on his bed, into his pillow.

He thought about his fight with Johnny.

Jaehyun rolled over onto his back, pressed the pillow against his face and screamed.

*

The next day and a half went by quickly. Thankfully, the first episode of Dear M had high ratings and the director even texted him a thumbs up. As promised, Jaehyun got out of his schedules around 3 on the 14th and he hurried back to the dorm to get ready. He was sitting at his vanity, touching up his hair when he heard a knock on the inside of his open doorway.

He looked up to see Johnny grinning down at him.

“Hey, John,” Jaehyun said, smiling.

“Hi, baby,” Johnny said. As expected, Johnny looked exquisite. He was wearing a perfectly fitted, sharp black suit, a black-on-black look but with a pop of bright pink in his pocket square and pink buttons on his black shirt. He held a dozen red roses and a big bag that he set on the floor.

Jaehyun was wearing a gray suit and a pink dress shirt.

“You look amazing,” Johnny said. “As always but… tonight.” Johnny let his grin overtake his whole face. Jaehyun loved the way his eyes crinkled so brightly.

“Wow.” Johnny gave a wolf whistle. Jaehyun laughed. He was so cheesy.

“You look amazing, too, John,” Jaehyun said, sincerely. He wished he could wolf whistle too. “Seriously.”

“Did you put on any cologne yet?” Johnny asked. Jaehyun shook his head. Johnny walked over and touched the top of one of Jaehyun’s Tom Ford fragrances that he had carefully arranged on his vanity.

“This one,” Johnny said. “I love the way it smells on you.”

Jaehyun put it on, dabbing it on his wrists, his neck and his chest. After he was done, he got up and gave Johnny a happy kiss and a half hug. Johnny hugged him back with one arm and didn’t allow Jaehyun to crush the roses.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, babe,” Johnny said, handing Jaehyun the roses. Jaehyun pressed his face against the soft red petals and took a deep breath.

“Thank you, Johnny,” he said. Jaehyun couldn’t stop smiling.

Johnny put the bag on Jungwoo’s messy bed and pulled out a card and a box of chocolate and a small present. “Valentine’s Day!” he said again.

“John, I can’t even carry it,” Jaehyun said, with a laugh, cradling his flowers. Johnny set everything on Jaehyun’s bed. Then he pulled out a bigger present and another card.

“Happy birthday,” He said, staring into Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaehyun felt his cheeks heating up. He loved the way Johnny could do this to him.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun said, again. He traded the flowers with Johnny and took the second set of gifts, setting them next to his first set. Then he got his presents for Johnny, two wrapped gifts and two cards. He took his flowers back and handed them to Johnny.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Johnny,” he said. “And… happy birthday from your idiot boyfriend.”

Johnny grinned and pulled Jaehyun into a heated kiss.

They put all the presents in Johnny’s tote bag so they could open them later. Jaehyun grabbed his wool peacoat, his chocolates and Johnny carried his roses. They headed out into the kitchen. Everyone in the 10th floor dorm was there, even Jungwoo. Jaehyun hadn’t even known he was home. Haechan was there, too, sitting next to Mark.

“Johnny brought us tacos,” Mark said with his mouth full. Jaehyun could see they had some sort of taco bar situation going on. There was a vase with a dozen yellow roses on the table and next to it, an empty vase was waiting.

“And I brought you guys these,” Johnny said. He produced Valentine’s Day cards in pink envelopes from his inside jacket pocket and handed them out to everyone. Jaehyun’s heart melted from how sweet Johnny was. He watched Johnny for a moment as Johnny stood at the sink and trimmed the stems of his roses. He loved Johnny’s broad shoulders, his tall frame, his juicy ass. He didn’t admire Johnny enough.

Jaehyun had to tear his eyes away.

“Chocolate?” Jaehyun asked, offering everyone a choice from his box of chocolates after he took the first pick. Everyone’s grubby hand was digging at the beautiful box. Well, at least Jaehyun loved his teammates.

He looked at Jungwoo, who remained where he sat, assembling a taco.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun asked. Johnny’s card sat next to his plate. He hadn’t even taken it. Taeil had grabbed it for him.

Jungwoo stayed focused on his taco.

Johnny slung his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders after he finished putting the roses in a vase. “Okay, goodbye everyone!” Johnny yelled. “You won’t be seeing Jaehyun alllllllllllll night!”

All the guys chorused “ew!” and “get out of here!” as everyone was laughing. Jaehyun walked out with Johnny, laughing too. They held hands on the way down to Johnny’s car, Johnny carrying the bag with their presents. Jaehyun couldn’t remember the last time they went on a date.

“How are you feeling, birthday boy?” Johnny said, kissing the side of Jaehyun’s head before letting his hand go so they could get in the car.

“Really good,” Jaehyun answered. “Thank you for treating everyone. That was really nice of you.”

Johnny shrugged. “10th floor dorm is my dorm too. Besides, everyone should be happy on Valentine’s Day. It’s nothing.”

Of course, it wasn’t nothing. Jaehyun wondered if Johnny was too nice for his own good, sometimes. But it didn’t seem to phase him. They held hands as Johnny backed out of his space and headed through the garage to the street. Everything was pretty, covered in a light dusting of snow. The sun was just going down as the days were getting a little longer. Everything felt so romantic.

“I’ve had these reservations for eight months,” Johnny told him.

“Who were you planning on taking before, John?” Jaehyun teased, squeezing Johnny’s hand. Johnny grinned.

“I didn’t have any plans. I was only hoping it would be you.”

“Uh-huh.” Jaehyun tried to keep a straight face but he laughed when Johnny kissed him at a red light.

Johnny took them to a small, intimate French bistro. The place was dark with romantic lighting and single red roses as the centerpiece at every table. There was a prix fixe menu and a long wine list. Jaehyun looked it over, mulling over reds with Johnny. He liked the sound of the wine that caught Johnny’s eye, but it wasn’t until after Johnny ordered it that he realized it was 500 dollars for one bottle.

“Johnny…” Jaehyun said, looking at his boyfriend, surprised. “That’s way too much.”

Johnny took his hand and kissed it. “Nothing is too much for tonight, babe. Besides, you’re paying. So, don’t worry.”

Jaehyun grinned and rolled his eyes.

It wasn’t like he’d never been to a fancy restaurant like this, but never with Johnny, just the two of them on a date. They had dressed up for each other, not work obligations. There was no one else from the team or the company there. There was just Johnny on his side, Johnny speaking in his ear, Johnny laughing at his jokes, Johnny staring at him with such fondness. Jaehyun had never had a night like this before. It felt like it was from a movie. He felt so sophisticated. So grown up. It was like at 24 years old, he hadn’t quite started living. Not until this night.

Jaehyun didn’t know if he deserved all this.

At the end of the meal, Johnny ordered Crème Brule and Jaehyun ordered Tiramisu. Jaehyun fed Johnny the first bite.

“This is so much better than the stuff we made,” Johnny said, with his mouth full.

“Was it really Tiramisu?” Jaehyun asked. They both laughed.

Johnny let Jaehyun crack the shell on his crème Brule. They both took a delicate bite of the creamy custard inside. They ate their desserts slowly and after that, savored the last of their wine.

“This is so good,” Johnny said, holding up his wine glass. “Good choice.”

“You picked it,” Jaehyun reminded him. Johnny shook his head.

“I merely suggested. You picked. You know, that happens a lot.”

“What does?”

“Like…” Johnny paused. “I suggest. You make the decision. Like when I suggested that we date, but you said yes. You make good decisions. We make a good team.”

Jaehyun made a face at Johnny’s cheesiness but he was still smiling. He leaned over the small table to give Johnny a sweet kiss, tasting the wine and their desserts.

“We make a really good team,” Johnny murmured against his lips. “I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a long time. If I don’t do it now, I’m going to burst.”

“What?” Jaehyun murmured, even though he had some idea of what it was.

Johnny took his hand and gave it a squeeze. He looked in Jaehyun’s eyes so intensely. Jaehyun could see everything there, despite the romantic dim lighting.

“I love you,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun stared back at him.

Johnny gave Jaehyun’s hand another squeeze.

The waiter brought their check and took the bottle and the empty wine glasses away.

*

The lights turned on when Johnny opened the hotel room door. Jaehyun followed him inside, peering around. It was a really nice hotel room. Nothing but the best from Johnny. Jaehyun knew that by now.

“You like it?” Johnny asked, putting down all their stuff on the inside of the door. He was carrying the present bag and a weekend bag where they had both packed some clothes in anticipation of spending the night together.

Jaehyun nodded. He didn’t trust his voice at the moment.

“This is cheesy.” Johnny took Jaehyun’s hand and pulled him over to the big bed on the other side of the room. The staff had arranged towels in the shape of a heart on the bed and in the middle was a chilled bottle of champagne and a box of chocolate covered strawberries.

“I couldn’t resist,” Johnny said. “I think it’s romantic.”

“It is,” Jaehyun said. He pressed his face against Johnny’s shoulder and took a deep breath. He loved that Johnny was the perfect to height to do so.

Johnny wrapped his arm around Jaehyun and kissed the top of his head.

Johnny, Jaehyun groaned in his head. Why are you always so kind?

Jaehyun turned to Johnny and kissed his lips. Johnny kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s waist. Jaehyun found such comfort in Johnny’s lips. But he felt passion and wanting, too. More than anything, when he was with Johnny, Jaehyun felt like he could let go. He could lose control. He could let someone take care of the details. He didn’t have to hold it together all the time. He could let Johnny take care of him and make him feel good.

He could forget everything else.

He didn’t have to be perfect.

He never was.

Johnny forgave him every time.

Jaehyun drug his tongue through Johnny’s mouth. He clutched the back of Johnny’s strong arms and pressed himself closer. Jaehyun rubbed his body against Johnny’s. He nipped at Johnny’s lips. He dug his nails against Johnny’s suit jacket.

“I want you so bad…” Jaehyun whispered against Johnny’s lip.

“I want you, too,” Johnny said. “But we have all night, baby. Let’s take it slow.”

Jaehyun stepped away and stifled a sigh. He leaned over and grabbed one of the chocolate covered strawberries, taking a bite. He could hear the chocolate crack underneath his teeth.

“Jaehyun,” Johnny said, his arms still around Jaehyun’s waist. He pulled him close again. Johnny pressed his face against the top of Jaehyun’s head. Jaehyun closed his eyes. Beautiful, kind, caring, patient, way-too-understanding Johnny. Jaehyun knew Johnny could practically read his mind. He wondered when Johnny was going to get sick this. When he wouldn’t pull him in anymore, when Johnny would push him away.

“I don’t care if you’re not ready to say it yet…” Johnny said, softly. “Or… maybe you’ll never say it. Doesn’t matter to me, Jaehyun. Doesn’t change my feelings for you. So, I hope it’s okay. I’ve been holding this in for a long time and I really want to say it to you. But I won’t if it makes you feel bad because that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Jaehyun nodded, slightly. Johnny did seem to understand him even when he really didn’t understand himself.

They stood there for a few moments before Johnny spoke to him softly again. “Is it okay, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun’s heart was racing. He nodded again. Johnny let go of his waist and cupped Jaehyun’s face in his hands, looking down at Jaehyun again. Jaehyun held his breath under Johnny’s intense gaze.

“I love you for you,” Johnny said. “Not the sex or your looks or… I don’t know. I just love… Jung Jaehyun. Everything you are. Don’t think you have to do anything more than that. I’ll still love you, Jaehyun. No matter what. You are worth waiting for.”

Jaehyun shut his eyes tightly and stepped into Johnny, giving him a tight hug. Johnny hugged him back, even tighter.

“I love you, Jaehyun,” Johnny said.

“Thank you, Johnny,” Jaehyun choked out.

Johnny kissed his hair. “Come on, let’s go take a bath. We smell too fancy from that expensive ass wine.”

Jaehyun leaned his head back and laughed a little.

They got undressed and slipped on fancy robes. Johnny opened the champagne bottle. Now Jaehyun was glad they were taking the bath because it probably wasn’t the best thing to fuck right away on such a full stomach. But he couldn’t stop eating the strawberries. Sometimes, when he was on a diet like the one he was on to finish up his shirtless scenes, he couldn’t stop eating once he started. He had to have a slight binge.

“This bathtub is huge,” Johnny said, walking in the bathroom. Jaehyun lounged on the bed against the pillows and drank the rest of his champagne. “I’m filling it up, baby.”

Jaehyun glanced at the clock. He couldn’t remember the last time he had such a lazy night. It was so nice.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Johnny called from the bathroom.

“Thinking about you,” Jaehyun answered.

“You’re making me blush, babe.”

Jaehyun smiled to himself. He wanted to make Johnny feel good. He wasn’t sure if he was good at it.

Jaehyun slid off the bed after he finished his champagne and padded over to Johnny, wrapping his arms around him from behind. He kissed the back of Johnny’s neck. Johnny reached around and patted his butt.

It was cute the way that Johnny added a bath bomb to the water. They watched it dissolve and burst to fill the bathtub with rose petals and the water turned pink and fizzy. Johnny filmed it with his fancy camera. The water smelled good enough to eat, like candy hearts from a box.

“Can I take a naked picture of you, babe?” Johnny asked, still holding his camera.

Jaehyun slipped off his robe.

Johnny grinned as he pressed the shutter.

“Gonna send those to Dispatch?” Jaehyun said, standing there.

Johnny snickered. “I’m gonna send them to you. Then in 20 years you can look back on them and say when I was 24 years old, I had the perfect body. And the perfect boyfriend.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, smiling.

Johnny pointed. “Now get in the tub.”

The water was the perfect temperature. Jaehyun slid under the surface and skimmed his hand over the surface of the frothy, pink water. He looked up as Johnny took another few pictures.

“You know,” Johnny said. “You could actually put these on Instagram. They’re pretty good. I mean, you’re beautiful but—”

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “I’m naked. Get in.”

He settled himself between Johnny’s legs once Johnny joined him in the tub. And yes, it was nice just to sit with him, touch each other lazily and listen to Johnny’s heartbeat as they talked about nothing. Just enjoying each other’s company. Like they always did, even before all of this.

A couple hours later, they were doing the new thing they did together now. Johnny was fucking him, lying beside him, kissing his shoulder and the side of his neck, moving in and out of him. Jaehyun laid on his side, feeling completely relaxed with Johnny’s body curled around him. It was nice to take their time their time like this. They usually fucked with a time limit. Johnny could actually last for way longer than Jaehyun thought. Jaehyun had already come twice and they were on their third position. Johnny continued to surprise him.

Jaehyun moaned loudly when Johnny rolled his hips up against him, sliding inside of him at the perfect angle to hit his spot. He wondered if the same question was on Johnny’s mind. Why couldn’t he say it? Johnny was making love to him for hours and he loved that. Jaehyun knew it did. He adored Johnny so much. He loved spending time with him. He knew Johnny treated him better than anyone else ever had. Better than all his one-night stands and pseudo-boyfriends. He cared for Johnny more than he had ever cared about someone before.

Was that love? How was Johnny so sure?

Jaehyun was so good at following directions.

He wasn’t so good at listening to himself.

He didn’t know why. He just couldn’t say it.

Afterwards, Jaehyun laid in Johnny’s arms. It was so nice to cuddle with nowhere to go.

“What time is it?” Johnny whispered. “Is it after midnight?”

Jaehyun nodded and kissed Johnny’s jaw.

“Happy birthday, my darling. Happy Valentine’s Day. I loved spending it with you.”

Jaehyun smiled at Johnny’s words. “It was the best birthday and Valentine’s Day I’ve ever have,” Jaehyun said, truthfully. He kissed Johnny’s lips sweetly.

“You know what I was thinking?” Jaehyun murmured against Johnny’s lips. They were still warm from the friction of their bodies moving together for hours, but everything was cleaned up so they were comfortable.

“What?” Johnny said.

“Um…” Jaehyun wrinkled his nose a little. Johnny raised his eyebrows curiously, never looking away. “Do you ever wanna… switch sometimes?”

“Sure,” Johnny said, eagerly. “When? Now?”

Jaehyun shook his head with a little laugh.

“The morning?”

They’d be too rushed in the morning. Jaehyun shook his head again. “No,” he said. “Some other time. When we have all night again.”

Johnny kissed his nose. “I’d love it. So, that means you’re planning on staying with me for a while, then?”

Jaehyun slid his arms around Johnny’s middle and buried his face against his chest. Johnny chuckled and stroked his hair.

They laid in silence for a long time. Jaehyun listened to Johnny’s heartbeat. He felt so relaxed, completely relaxed for the first time in such a long time. All thanks to Johnny always going above and beyond for him.

Jaehyun told himself not to take it for granted.

“Sooooo…” Johnny said, out of the blue. Jaehyun had thought he’d fallen asleep with how still and quiet he was before. “Now that it’s not your birthday anymore, I had a thought.”

“Uh huh?” Jaehyun said, his eyes closed sleepily with a smile.

“Who’s next in line? A certain someone’s… special roomie.”

Jaehyun nodded with a little laugh. Jungwoo’s birthday was 5 days after his.

“You know, I haven’t been Jungwoo’s biggest fan lately because he’s stressing you out but… seeing him tonight. I don’t know. Something’s going on with him.”

“You think so?” Jaehyun propped himself up on his shoulder, opening his eyes to look at Johnny closer.

Johnny nodded. “Yeah. We both love Jungwoo a lot. I know you’re worried. I checked all schedules on the 19th and everyone on the team is free in the morning. What if we threw him a little breakfast surprise birthday party? It might cheer him up.”

Jaehyun listened to Johnny and his heart beat a little faster.

“I know you’re busy so… I’ll organize it,” Johnny continued. “What do you think, babe?”

Jaehyun thought he was looking at the most wonderful man in the world.

He threw himself back into Johnny’s arms and hugged him hard.

“Anything for you,” Johnny said, holding Jaehyun close.

Jaehyun willed himself to say it. Just say it.

He didn’t say it.

Johnny held him all night.

*

Jaehyun stayed just as busy over the next few days. The good thing was that Haechan was staying with Mark for a little while (their manager was dealing with some personal issues) so Jaehyun decided to stay in Johnny’s room. He figured Jungwoo wouldn’t miss him and it made party planning easier.

Plus, he could cuddle with Johnny every night.

Among other things.

He liked watching Johnny in the morning because, even though he woke up late, he had a lot of energy. Right now, he was organizing the surprise reveal.

It was Jungwoo’s birthday.

“Chop, chop, people!” Johnny said from the middle of the apartment. “We have to be there by 10. I told Mark 10 o’clock. If we’re any later, he’s going to blow it.”

Everyone else was in the 5th floor dorm, including all of Jaehyun’s fellow 10th floor dormmates. Jaehyun was nervous with letting Mark be in charge of Jungwoo all by himself on the 10th floor but Johnny assured him that he had prepped Mark well.

“Don’t rush me,” Doyoung huffed from the kitchen. “You’re the one who can’t measure flour right.”

“You’re the one who put me in charge of flour,” Johnny said. “I’m American. I don’t know grams.”

“You figured it out on your little Christmas cookie show,” Doyoung grumbled, mixing up a big batch of waffle batter. Johnny had decided to go with waffles for the party for whatever reason. He bought two waffle makers during after Christmas sales. Jaehyun didn’t ask.

Jaehyun was excited but nervous. Johnny had organized the party well. Doyoung was in charge of the food. Everyone had a present. Even Taeyong was going to attend which was great because they all hadn’t gotten to hang out with him in a while. His surgery was next week so it was most likely his last gathering with the team for a while.

“Haechan, do you have the spray?”

“Yes, hyung!” Haechan piped up. “Let’s go.”

Jaehyun marveled at everyone as they all piled in the elevator carrying presents, carrying food, carrying plates, carrying waffle makers. All of them together. All of them giving up a rare free morning to do something kind and a little bit silly for someone who lately had been—if Jaehyun was honest—a bit of a brat to almost the whole team.

All of this, just for Jungwoo.

Please let him appreciate this, Jaehyun thought.

He hadn’t seen Jungwoo smile in weeks.

Mark opened the door and used some fake surprised voice, calling out to Jungwoo. They all burst into the 10th floor apartment and went over to Jungwoo, who was sitting on the couch. Jaehyun put all his energy into singing happy birthday with the others. He watched Jungwoo for any sign on his face, any recognition of the old Jungwoo at all.

Jungwoo looked at them all blankly.

After the birthday song, they all stood there. Jungwoo didn’t say a word.

“Sooooo…” Johnny said, breaking the tension. “Happy birthday. Uh… birthday breakfast.” Johnny showed Jungwoo his waffle maker. “We’re doing waffles.”

The group broke up then. Jaehyun followed most of them into the kitchen, but some stayed in the living room with Jungwoo, including Taeyong.

Johnny slammed his waffle maker down on the kitchen counter.

“You break it, you bought it, hyung,” Haechan said, dryly as he set his waffle maker down next to Johnny’s. “Get it, hyung?”

Johnny looked annoyed.

Jaehyun wrapped his arm around Johnny and rubbed his shoulder.

“I told you, he’s totally ungrateful,” Doyoung said, busying himself with unwrapping the bowl of waffle batter and setting up his measuring cups.

Jaehyun knew he should say something, but he didn’t know what to say.

“Look,” Johnny said to everyone in the kitchen. “The mission is to cheer him up, so let’s be cheerful.”

Jaehyun nodded and kissed Johnny’s cheek.

Johnny went to plug the waffle maker into the outlet where they also had the Keurig plugged in.

“Hyung, I wouldn’t plug it in there,” Haechan said.

Johnny grumbled. He plugged the waffle maker in.

The outlet sparked and Johnny jumped back with a yelp.

All the power in the apartment went out.

“Shit!” Johnny yelled.

“I told you not the plug in there, hyung,” Haechan said, mildly.

Jaehyun was thinking that this surprise party was not a good idea.

It took a bit of time and chaos to get the lights on again. Everyone was scrambling to do something. Then Johnny ripped open the bag of chocolate chips and sent them flying all over the place. The first waffle came out totally burnt. The second ended up completely raw.

The party seemed like a disaster.

Especially since, through it all, Jungwoo looked sullen and disinterested. Jaehyun peeked at both Taeyong and Doyoung trying to talk to him, but the conversations didn’t seem to go well. Doyoung came back in the kitchen from talking to Jungwoo on the balcony, red-faced and flustered, as he tried to salvage the chocolate chip situation Johnny had created.

Jaehyun decided to go out there.

They had all placed Jungwoo’s presents on the coffee table. Jaehyun’s present was on top, the box that he’d worked on so diligently for days. He’d wrapped it up in beautiful gold wrapping paper. Jaehyun grabbed his present and glanced out the window at Jungwoo standing by himself out there on the balcony. It was way too cold out there. Jaehyun wanted to wrap his roommate up in a big hug and warm him up. But he knew Jungwoo wouldn’t let him.

Jaehyun took a deep breath.

He opened the balcony door.

Jungwoo’s back was turned. He seemed to be staring out over the railing, to the street.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun called hesitantly.

Jungwoo turned around. His face was flushed red from the cold. Jaehyun reached out instinctively and placed his hand on the side of Jungwoo’s ice cold face.

“Your face is so cold,” Jaehyun murmured. For a moment, he thought Jungwoo leaned into his touch. Jaehyun wanted to pull him into his arms. But just as quickly, Jungwoo pulled away.

“What do you want?” Jungwoo said in a voice that was colder than the temperature outside.

Jaehyun shivered.

“Happy birthday,” he said, weakly. “I wanted to give you this. Personally.” Jaehyun offered his present out to Jungwoo. Jungwoo didn’t move. He barely looked.

“So…” Jaehyun said, swallowing hard. “I hope you like it.”

They stood there for a couple of moments. Jungwoo didn’t move, didn’t say anything.

Jaehyun felt like his heart was breaking.

“I’ll put it in our room,” Jaehyun said.

He smiled the best that he could.

It hurt.

Jaehyun turned around and headed to the door. He couldn’t look at Jungwoo anymore when his lips were trembling, but he called over his shoulder in a steady voice, “You should go inside. It’s cold.”

Inside, Jaehyun hurried to his room. He opened the door and put the present on Jungwoo’s bed. It was made for once. Then he found himself laying down on Jungwoo’s bed as well. It smelled like Jungwoo but also that strange, weird smell that had been lingering in their room. Jaehyun took a deep breath anyway and let it out in a sigh.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. Should he even try?

The door opened. Jaehyun sat up, quickly.

“Thought you were in here,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun flopped back down again.

Johnny collapsed on top of him. Jaehyun grunted and laughed at the same time as Johnny smothered his face in kisses.

“Should we fuck on his bed?” Johnny asked in a low voice. “That’ll teach him.”

Jaehyun laughed again and closed his eyes. Johnny kissed him sweetly.

“You’re a really great friend,” Johnny said. “You’re a great roommate and a great boyfriend. You’re an amazing singer and actor and teammate… everything Jaehyun. You do your best with everything. It’s one of the many, many reasons I love you so much.”

Jaehyun allowed himself to smile a little. But he truly felt like he was failing.

“I don’t know what to do, Johnny…” Jaehyun said, quietly.

“You don’t have to figure it out all at once,” Johnny said. “Just take it one day at a time. We tried this. And even that little brat roomie of yours deserves to know he’s loved on his birthday. You never lost sight of that, Jaehyun. You’re doing just fine.”

Jaehyun let Johnny’s words sink in for a moment. Then he smiled a little sadly. Johnny deserved to know he was loved on his birthday, too. Jaehyun had lost sight of that. He forgot Johnny’s birthday because he was making Jungwoo’s friendship bracelet. Jaehyun had worked so hard on that box and Jungwoo wouldn’t even look at it.

Meanwhile, Johnny was right by his side. Always right by his side. Jaehyun couldn’t make himself say those three little words to Johnny. He still wasn’t sure if he loved Johnny. He didn’t even know if he knew what love was, despite all the songs he’d sung about it. But he did know that Johnny was very important to him. He didn’t want to live life right now without Johnny.

Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Johnny’s neck and pulled him down closer.

He should focus on Johnny more. He’d tried so hard with Jungwoo. Maybe it was time to take a step back. Jungwoo had made it very clear time and time again that he wanted nothing to do with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun took a deep breath.

“Baby,” Johnny said. “Let’s get waffles. I came to tell you that they’re ready.”

“I’m not supposed to be eating carbs.”

“Today is a carb day, babe.” Johnny bit down on top of his shoulder. Jaehyun laughed and rubbed Johnny’s back.

“I love you,” Johnny said, smiling as he gazed into Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaehyun smiled back. Hearing Johnny say that was getting easier.

It always made his heart pound.

“I want you for breakfast, Johnny,” Jaehyun said, with a smile. “Everyone is outside but… they’re busy.”

Johnny grinned and rolled off Jaehyun. He went and locked the door.

“Your bed, though,” Johnny said, gesturing for Jaehyun to come over. “We’re not really that rude.”

Jaehyun giggled and got off Jungwoo’s bed. Instead, he sat on the edge of his own bed. He had Johnny stand in front of him. He grinned up at Johnny as he slowly unzipped his pants.

Maybe he didn’t know how to express his emotions like Johnny.

But there were plenty of other ways for Jaehyun to show Johnny how much he cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this very long chapter! I really appreciate all the comments and kudos more than you know!  
> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong has his surgery. Jaehyun and Johnny celebrate their three-month anniversary. Jaehyun spends the day with Jungwoo.
> 
> TW: Vomit/Bulima

Jaehyun tried to concentrate in his latest meeting, but it was hard. He kept glancing at the digital clock on the wall. He didn’t exactly know when the surgery was happening, but he hoped he would get a chance to talk to Taeyong before then. They had all visited him last night in the hospital, but it wasn’t enough.

Jaehyun begged for the day off, something he had never done before. His manager was sympathetic, but he still said no. With the success of Dear M, Jaehyun was fielding many other drama offers and SM wanted to stay on top on the ball. It didn’t seem like this should matter. Not when his leader was about to have back surgery that hopefully would help him but could just as easily end his whole career. Everything seemed silly right now.

But Jaehyun was a professional. When they asked him questions, he answered. He said all the right thing. He sat up straight. He nodded. He smiled with dimples.

As soon as the meeting was over, he bolted.

Jaehyun hurried into the stairwell and pulled his phone out of his pocket as the door closed behind him. He texted Johnny.

 **JeffreyJae** : Did he go back yet?

 **JeffreyJae** : Can I make it?

Johnny’s reply came right away.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Don’t worry, babe, he’s going to be just fine.

Johnny sent a selfie of him and Taeyong posing together, doing a thumbs up and making silly faces. Both of them were bare faced. Taeyong was sitting up in his hospital bed with a blue hospital gown and blue gauze surgical cap. Johnny was leaning in next to him. They looked so young. Jaehyun felt a lump in his throat.

 **JohnYoungHO:** Surgery started thirty minutes ago.

 **JohnYoungHO** : It’s gonna be a while.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I know you still have schedules.

 **JohnYoungHO** : No need for you to go back and forth.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I’m right here, baby.

Jaehyun hit the side of his fist against the concrete wall and growled. He leaned against the wall and wrapped his arms across his chest. He couldn’t stop his mind from going all these crazy places. What if something went wrong. What if Taeyong didn’t--?

Jaehyun needed to hear Johnny’s voice.

Johnny picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, my baby,” he said, in his calm, soothing voice. “Everything is fine. I promise. How are you?”

“Nervous, Johnny,” Jaehyun admitted. “How is he?”

“Before he went back, he was doing really well,” Johnny said. “He told everyone he’ll see them soon. I’m just here by myself. Taeyong told everyone to go home. You’re not missing anything, babe.”

“I’m missing you.”

Jaehyun thought he could hear Johnny smile on the other end. “I’m missing you, too. It’s going to be fine. I’ll keep you updated. What are you doing now?

“I don’t know.” Jaehyun felt flustered. His phone beeped with another incoming call. Probably his manager, looking for him.

“Hey,” Johnny said. “Take a deep breath. You need to eat. What are you going to have for lunch?”

“Um…” Jaehyun tried to think. “Not sure.”

“Remember that café we went to the other day? Ask manager-hyung to take you there and get an Americano, too. It was so good.”

“It was.” Jaehyun smiled at the memory. Lately, they’d been trying to go on dates almost every other day. It was important for Jaehyun to spend more time with Johnny. He was trying. He had kept his promise to talk to Johnny every day, no matter how busy he was.

“Good. You go there. Send me a picture of your food. I wanna be jealous.”

Jaehyun laughed a little, some of the tension draining from his body.

“The hospital food here is pretty good though,” Johnny said. “Taeyong and I both thought so last night.”

Jaehyun’s phone beeped again. He knew his manager wasn’t playing. He was probably late for his next schedule, especially if they were going to stop for lunch.

“Thanks, Johnny,” Jaehyun said. “I gotta go.”

“Okay. Like I said, I’ll keep you updated. I love you, honey.”

Jaehyun hung up as his heart clenched.

He still couldn’t say it.

Johnny texted him around 4 that afternoon that Taeyong was out of surgery and everything went well. Taeyong was going to be in the hospital for the next few days, recovering. They all worked out a schedule for when people could visit. Jaehyun made sure he could go that night.

Jaehyun rushed back to the dorm after his schedules were finally over. He quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes before he was going to head to the hospital to see Johnny and Taeyong.

Jungwoo sauntered into their room right as he was getting ready to leave.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, putting his portable charger in his bag. “Did you get a chance to sign up for when you’re going to see Taeyong?”

Jungwoo looked at him, blankly. As usual.

“He had his surgery today?” Jaehyun continued. “He’s fine, by the way.”

Jungwoo sat on his bed and didn’t say anything.

For once, Jaehyun didn’t feel sad desperation about the way Jungwoo wasn’t talking to him. He felt disgust. Jungwoo didn’t care about their leader? How selfish had he become?

Jaehyun left the room without another word.

He had a driver take him to the hospital, stopped at a chicken place and then hopped out when the driver dropped him off.

Johnny was sitting outside of Taeyong’s room on a chair in the hallway.

“Hey!” he said, jumping up when he saw Jaehyun. “They’re checking him over and they asked me to wait here.”

They couldn’t kiss in the hospital hallway, of course, but Jaehyun did give Johnny a tight hug. He handed Johnny the bag from the chicken place.

“I brought you dinner.”

Johnny smiled at him and took his hand. “Come on, let’s eat this in the cafeteria.”

Jaehyun glanced at the closed door of Taeyong’s hospital room.

“Don’t worry, Yong-ah will text me when they’re done with him.”

The hospital was huge and Jaehyun had never been to this one before. But Johnny seemed to already know his way around and he led Jaehyun through the busy, twisty hallways to the cafeteria. They sat at a table beside the huge windows. They could see all the way to the Han River. It was a beautiful, clear night.

“Chicken…” Johnny said. “I’m so hungry.”

Jaehyun sat back in his seat and watched Johnny tear through some chicken wings. He’d bought a salad for himself, but he wasn’t very hungry.

“Don’t make me eat alone, babe,” Johnny said, with his mouth full.

Jaehyun felt like he was in a weird mood. He was worried about Taeyong. He was mad at Jungwoo for his callousness about the situation and frankly, that had been his attitude for the whole year. He was stressed out about his schedules. He really wanted to spend the night with Johnny, but then he would be selfish for tearing Johnny away from keeping Taeyong company.

“What are you thinking about?” Johnny asked, breaking into Jaehyun’s thoughts.

Jaehyun took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Johnny wiped off his hands with a wet nap and then reached across the table to take Jaehyun’s hand in both of his. He seemed to understand that Jaehyun couldn’t talk here.

“Wanna go to my car?” Johnny asked. “For a little while?”

Johnny was parked in some random corner of the huge hospital underground garage. They were able to crawl in the back and Jaehyun got to hold and kiss Johnny. It was always cramped but cozy when they were back there. Jaehyun laid on top of Johnny’s chest and closed his eyes.

“Everything is going to be okay, Jae,” Johnny whispered in Jaehyun’s ear, holding him tightly.

Jaehyun nodded. He knew Johnny could sense his feelings, but he wanted to say it. He took a deep breath.

“I’m worried,” Jaehyun finally managed to say. “I’m stressed out.”

Johnny kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head. “I don’t want you to be worried and stressed out, babe. We’ll figure it out. I’m here for you.”

Jaehyun smiled a little and tightened his arms around Johnny. Even saying the words out loud did help him to feel a little better. He breathed in Johnny’s soothing smell, listening to his steady heartbeat thrumming underneath his ear. Johnny was so solid. Johnny was always present. He would get through this. They all would.

Johnny’s phone buzzed. Jaehyun laid there while Johnny checked it.

“Taeyong says that he’s done and he’s okay, he’s just tired. Let’s go say goodnight to him and then I’ll take you home?”

They headed back into the hospital. Jaehyun had to physically restrain himself from gasping when he walked into Taeyong’s room. There were tubes and wires coming out of him from all sorts of places and beeping machines everywhere. Taeyong was lying flat on his back. His face was so pale. Jaehyun thought he was asleep, but his eyes popped open and he smiled.

“Hi Jaehyun,” he said. His voice was raspy.

“Hi.” Jaehyun sat in the chair next to he bed. God, he felt like he was going to cry. He grit his teeth.

“It looks scarier than it is,” Taeyong said, with a gracious smile. “I’m fine.”

Jaehyun nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t know what Taeyong was talking about. This was overwhelming.

Johnny stood at the door, giving them space.

“How are you?” Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun blinked a few times. “I should be asking you that,” he finally said.

“You know what I’ve been doing all day.”

Jaehyun managed to smile a little. “I’m okay, hyung,” Jaehyun said, carefully. He didn’t want to burden his leader. Especially when he was like this.

“Tell everyone I’ll be back soon,” Taeyong said. “I need to stay in the hospital for a little while but it’ll be fine.”

“I hope this works!” Jaehyun blurted out. He felt Johnny glance over at him. Jaehyun bit his bottom lip.

“Me too, Jaehyun-ah,” Taeyong said, quietly. “I sincerely hope this works.”

Jaehyun couldn’t get rid of this crying feeling. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a moment.

“How’s Jungwoo?” Taeyong asked. “I didn’t see him before I left. Haven’t seen him since his birthday party.”

Jaehyun clenched his teeth. His eyes were still closed. He considered whether he was going to lie.

“I don’t know,” he finally said, settling on the truth. He opened his eyes, scared to see the disappointed look on Taeyong’s face. But Taeyong only looked worried.

“Tell him I want to see him,” Taeyong said. “Need to check on him.”

“Don’t worry, hyung,” Jaehyun said. “I’ll tell him but… I’m keeping an eye on him.”

Jaehyun’s stomach clenched. That was the lie.

Taeyong gave a small, relieved smile. “I know I can count on you, Jaehyun-ah.”

Jaehyun and Johnny left a few minutes later, after Jaehyun said goodnight.

He didn’t feel any better.

Johnny dropped him off with a kiss. He was going to spend the night at the hospital with Taeyong.

“Let’s spend the weekend together?” Johnny said. “I’ll tell Haechan he has to scram.”

Jaehyun nodded and watched Johnny go. Then he slipped into the quiet dorm and went to his room.

It was late. He and Johnny did spend an hour before they got home parked somewhere, fooling around. They didn’t go as far as having sex but they did a lot of stuff that was supposed to make Jaehyun feel better. And it did but… he still wasn’t quite able to get out of his own head.

Jaehyun gently pushed open the door to his room. He could see Jungwoo was asleep. He flipped on the lights anyway. Jungwoo didn’t move. He was curled on his side, facing the side. His covers were half-kicked off. He was wearing t-shirt and sweatpants.

There were tear streaks on his face.

Jaehyun wanted to wake Jungwoo up and scream at him. He dug his fingernails into his palms in an attempt to squelch the urge. He didn’t know why but suddenly he was so angry at Jungwoo.

 _Just talk to me!_ Jaehyun wanted to yell. _If you’re so angry, just tell me why! You’re putting me in the worst position! You’re causing me to lie and fail! I’m not keeping my word to Taeyong!_

But he didn’t start screaming and Jungwoo didn’t wake up.

In the morning, they passed each other how they usually did nowadays.

Without a word.

*

Taeyong didn’t come home the next day or the next. He didn’t come home the next week. Or the week after that.

They moved him from the hospital to a rehab facility.

Jaehyun couldn’t stand to think about it.

The team continued their preparations for their next comeback. They had two title tracks, but they were preparing three because the company hadn’t made the final decision on what songs they were going to promote. It was hard, the way they were supposed to show up at practice every day and pretend like their leader wasn’t in a long-term care facility away from them.

It was hard to visit every day. Jaehyun went as much as he could. Johnny was there nearly every day, so he gave Jaehyun a lot of updates. They kept up with their date night schedules, even though it was hard. Jaehyun made sure to call Johnny to say goodnight every day even though he was exhausted.

Dear M ended and he was expected to start filming another drama in just a few weeks. Everyone congratulated him. Jaehyun tried to look happy. He got requests to guest on all sorts of shows. Sometimes he got to take a member, sometimes he was on his own.

Time marched on. It didn’t care that Jaehyun wanted it all to stop.

He needed a break.

Every time Jaehyun visited with Taeyong, his leader asked him about Jungwoo. He didn’t know what to say about his roommate, so everything he told Taeyong was a lie.

_He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine._

Taeyong smiled, saying he never saw Jungwoo.

Jaehyun had a constant stab of guilt twisting in his gut.

He was good at everything else in his job except the one thing Taeyong had asked of him.

Looking after Jungwoo.

He was failing so bad.

Jaehyun didn’t know what to do.

Sometimes, he couldn’t sleep. He was drinking coffee like it was his second job. It was messing his stomach up. Maybe he was getting an ulcer.

He didn’t tell anyone.

When Johnny was there, he struggled to give him his full attention. Johnny seemed to take everything in stride. They even stopped having sex so often. Jaehyun didn’t find it to be an escape like he used to. It started feeling like more work. Now, most of their dates consisted of taking naps and lying in the darkness somewhere.

“I love you,” Johnny whispered in his over and over again.

It wasn’t enough.

One morning, Jaehyun opened his eyes to someone shaking him gently. Johnny stood over there, holding a tray.

“Good morning,” he said. “I brought you breakfast.”

Jaehyun struggled to sit up. Johnny sat a tray over his lap. He’d made him a big bowl of ramen, prepared in Jaehyun’s favorite way. There was coffee from Johnny’s French press. A single sunflower in a slim vase.

“Happy anniversary,” Johnny said with a smile.

Jaehyun glanced at the clock next to his bed. March 25th. Their three-month anniversary.

Jaehyun also looked across the room. Jungwoo’s bed was empty.

“Happy anniversary,” Jaehyun said, with a yawn. He blinked a few times, trying to wake up,

“Eat up,” Johnny said, sitting on the side of the bed. “Because you have to leave in a couple of hours for your schedules. But I have a surprise, tonight. Okay?”

Jaehyun nodded, finding the chopsticks and slurping up his first bite so he wouldn’t have to answer. He didn’t want his voice to betray him. He wasn’t sure he was in the mood for one of Johnny’s over-the-top romantic gestures. Especially when he couldn’t reciprocate. He didn’t know they were doing something for the three-month anniversary. He’d vaguely been thinking about whether or not they were going to celebrate 100 days. But he really didn’t have the energy for that, either.

His schedules didn’t care if he had the energy or not. Jaehyun went to the studio to lay down some vocals and then he had to do a fitting for the upcoming music video shoots.

He kind of forgot about Johnny until Johnny showed up at his door that night.

Maybe it was on purpose.

“You’re ignoring me again,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun had been lying on his bed. He sat up, slowly. Johnny held up his phone. Jaehyun reached over to check his. He had like ten missed calls.

“Oh,” Jaehyun mumbled. “Sorry.”

“We missed our reservation.”

“What reservation?” Jaehyun looked Johnny over. He was wearing a blazer and nice jeans. Jaehyun was wearing pajama pants.

“I told you this morning,” Johnny said. Jaehyun absolutely did not remember. “Our plans? Tonight?”

“Your plans,” Jaehyun said, before he could stop himself.

Johnny stepped in the room and closed the door, softly.

“What?” he said in a low voice.

Jaehyun swallowed. Well, he’d already wandered down this path. He’d might as well finish. “You didn’t ask me, John,” Jaehyun said, looking up at his boyfriend.

Johnny scoffed a little. “I didn’t ask you…? You don’t want to celebrate our three-month anniversary?”

Jaehyun shrugged, holding his hands palms out. “You didn’t ask.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you _didn_ ’t, John. All you said this morning was that you have plans and I was half asleep when you said that.”

“I called you. I texted you. All day.”

“I’m tired!” Jaehyun yelled. “I can’t help it that you don’t have as many schedules as me! You don’t know how I feel. I don’t have time to go on big, romantic dates every month. I don’t want to! I’m _tired_.”

The room fell into silence.

“You’re too tired for me,” Johnny finally said, in a quiet voice. “I don’t have enough schedules.”

Jaehyun shrugged, crossing his arms and looking away.

“You’re the tired one, huh, Jae? You’re the only one who works around here? Yeah. Right. Okay.”

“John—” Jaehyun sighed.

Johnny scoffed. Jaehyun glanced over at him again, just in time to see Johnny turn away. “I don’t know…” Johnny mumbled. He seemed to be talking to himself.

“What?” Jaehyun said.

Johnny didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Then he turned back around.

“Do you realize you never asked for this back?” Johnny pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to Jaehyun. Jaehyun looked down at his palm. It was the necklace Johnny gave him on Christmas when he asked him to be his boyfriend. The delicate gold necklace, with the initial J engraved into the pendant.

“I kept waiting,” Johnny said. “You said you needed to tell Jungwoo first. Then that all came out and we were public to our team. You said you wanted that to happen first. I waited and waited for you to ask for it back. I wanted you to want to have a symbol that you were mine. But you never asked, did you, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun sat there, frozen as he stared at the necklace.

Truthfully, he’d forgotten about it.

He didn’t know what to say.

Johnny laughed like he knew what Jaehyun was thinking.

“Are you mine?” Johnny asked, tipping his head a little and peering at Jaehyun.

“Yes?” Jaehyun said. The right answer but it came out like a question.

Johnny shook his head. “Yeah, I don’t know either. Because it seems like… your schedules come first and the team comes first and the work comes first and Jungwoo comes first and then… there’s Johnny.”

Jaehyun clutched his pillow, defensively. “Don’t bring Jungwoo into this.”

“Why not? He’s just part of the equation. Sometimes I think you’d rather be treated like shit by him than have to spend any time with me.”

“Johnny!” Jaehyun snapped

“I feel so stupid,” Johnny said. “I should have known you didn’t really want this.”

“That’s not true,” Jaehyun said, even though he wasn’t sure.

“I pushed you into it,” Johnny said, with a bitter laugh. “I felt it when you said yes… on Christmas. Hell, that’s probably why I did it then. Who’s going to say no on Christmas? It’s like impossible. It’s like asking someone to marry you at a basketball game on the Jumbotron. You have them trapped.”

“Johnny, that’s not true,” Jaehyun said, climbing up on his knees, trying to convince Johnny, trying to convince himself. His heart was racing.

“You were fine with just fucking me. I should have been fine with that.” Johnny looked down and sniffed a little. “But now you’re even bored with that.”

Jaehyun didn’t know what to say. So many thoughts were running through his mind. He wanted to shout no. He wanted to shout yes. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He was feeling so confused and tired. His stomach hurt. He wanted to go to sleep.

Johnny laughed again, in that harsh way that Jaehyun had never heard before, mostly through his nose. “I tried everything… Jaehyun.” Johnny met his eyes again. Jaehyun sucked in his breath with the intensity of Johnny’s look. “And… honestly, I was okay with it. Because… I really do love you. And I’m fine. I’ve accepted… a one-sided love. As long as you wanted to be with me, a little bit. I was fine with giving 60 percent and you’re giving 40 percent. Or 70 percent and you’re giving 30 percent. But right now, Jaehyun? Now… you’re giving me _nothing_.”

Johnny’s voice cracked and he turned away then. Jaehyun pressed his hand to his mouth. He didn’t know what to say.

He probably should have said, _that’s not true, Johnny!_

They both knew it was true.

Jaehyun felt hollow. He almost felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He heard Johnny crying.

Jaehyun did that to him.

“You forgot my _birthday_ ,” Johnny said, in the most broken voice Jaehyun had ever heard.

Jaehyun felt like he was turning into stone.

“I’m sorry…” He finally managed to whisper.

Johnny sniffed and wiped his eyes. After a long moment, he finally turned around again.

“Jaehyun…” He said, in a choked voice. “I… I do love you. A lot. And I want to be with you. But not like this. Not anymore. I can’t take it. I know that you’re very, very busy and I feel so bad taking up so much of your time but… you should want me there. You should want me. You should want me to take up your time and I feel like you don’t.”

Tears were running down his face. It was so hard to see Johnny cry. Jaehyun tried to think if he had seen Johnny cry like this before. He didn’t think he had. He’d certainly never been the cause.

Jaehyun swallowed. Why couldn’t he just say, _I want you, Johnny. I’ll do better._

Because he had said that before.

And he’d failed.

Johnny stepped back over to him and took the necklace out of Jaehyun’s hand. He stuffed it in his pocket.

“My surprise for our anniversary was…” Johnny said, slowly. “I booked us a getaway… in Busan. This really cute… B&B. On the water. This weekend. Everyone’s schedules are free. Even yours. I thought it would be nice… it’ll still be a little cold but… I wanted to see the ocean. I thought it would be romantic.”

Jaehyun pressed a hand against his aching chest. What did this mean? He still couldn’t say anything.

“I don’t know.” Johnny looked down and shook his head. He wiped his eyes. He leaned over, grabbed tissues from the box on Jungwoo’s desk and blew his nose. “I’m probably stupid, Jae. Who knows if this shit is romantic to you… it’s probably all in my head. But… I’ve got the plans. I already paid. So I’m gonna go. Alone.” Johnny stuffed his hands in his pockets. “It’ll be good for me to think. And it’ll be good for you to think, too. You have a free weekend. Get some rest. No pressure from me.”

Jaehyun bit the inside of his lip hard enough to taste blood.

He still couldn’t talk.

Johnny wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes were tell-tale red. If someone saw him when he left the room, they were going to ask him what was wrong.

“Then… when we come back from our weekend and we’ve both had time to think, we can figure out what we’re going to do. If our relationship should continue or not,” Johnny concluded. Jaehyun felt Johnny staring at him.

Jaehyun nodded.

Johnny stepped over to him and kissed the top of his head. “Never think I regret being with you,” Johnny murmured against his hair. “Because I don’t. I hope you don’t regret it either.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes. He could smell Johnny’s comforting scent. He wanted to beg for him to stay. He wanted Johnny to go.

He heard Johnny’s retreating footsteps.

“Goodnight, Jae,” Johnny called.

“Goodnight, John,” Jaehyun replied, his voice little more than a whisper.

Jaehyun’s eyes were still closed.

He heard the door close behind Johnny with a click.

Jaehyun flopped back on his pillows and pressed his hands over his eyes.

He waited for the world to swallow him whole.

*

Jaehyun went home.

Everyone on the team had the weekend free. Everyone had plans. Most of them were going home. Mark was going home with Haechan. Yuta said he was going on a weekend trip to Japan. Johnny told everyone he was going to Busan.

They asked Jungwoo what he was going to do.

He didn’t answer.

At home, Jaehyun laid in bed in his childhood bedroom. He looked at the soccer posters on the wall and felt cramped in his too small bed. But he was also cozy. His parents fussed over him. His mom cooked all day. Basically, all he did was eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over again.

He tried not to think about Johnny.

He thought about Johnny.

He tried not think about anything at all.

Nothing worked.

He’d been sleeping all day, so he was awake in the middle of the night. He went over the events of the past few months in his head, starting with Johnny. When they started sleeping together. Then, when Johnny asked him out. He thought about how happy he was. Then, Jungwoo kissed him and the resulting silent treatment from Jungwoo ever since. But even more than that, Jaehyun never knew why Jungwoo was crying so hard that night. Getting yelled at by Doyoung sucked, but the whole situation still didn’t make sense.

He thought about all his schedules. His successes. The way his manager said that his star was rising. Now that Taeyong was gone for the next few months, Jaehyun could end up being the most popular member of the group.

What a sick thing to say, Jaehyun realized.

Was that what he had been working towards?

His heart beat a little faster.

Taeyong’s words in his ear. _I know I can count on you, Jaehyun-ah._

He was supposed to be looking after Jungwoo.

He’d barely looked at him in a week.

And now, Jaehyun realized that management might be setting him up to take Taeyong’s spot. Working him to death to undermine his teammate, his leader. Working so hard to pump up his popularity.

That couldn’t be true.

And Johnny… Johnny…

He’d really fucked over Johnny. He’d been using Johnny. He was just as terrible as Johnny said.

Probably even worse.

Jaehyun sat up with a gasp. It felt like he was coming up for air.

What was he doing? What was he doing with his life?

Blindly following orders. That’s all Jaehyun had been doing.

He hadn’t taken any time to think about himself. To think about what he wanted. To think about what was important to Jung Jaehyun.

To truly think about the people he cared about and who cared about him. He thought he had, but he was only scratching the surface. He never really tried.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he was in charge of his own life anymore.

Jaehyun realized that he was breathing hard. He pressed a hand over his racing heart and forced himself to take a deep breath.

He needed to do better. He needed to take back control of his own life.

Jaehyun needed to figure out who he really was.

It started with Jungwoo, Jaehyun realized. This couldn’t go on anymore. He needed to talk to Jungwoo. They had to put this behind them. Jaehyun decided that he was going to end this cold war between them once and for all.

Then he would be able to start to be himself again.

Jaehyun went back to the dorm the next day. The dorm was eerily silent. He didn’t even know if Jungwoo was going to be there. But he found his roommate in bed, dead asleep. Jaehyun didn’t waste any time. He shook Jungwoo’s shoulder to wake him up.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun said. He nodded at the clock next to Jungwoo’s bed. It was past noon.

“Good morning,” Jungwoo mumbled, in a groggy voice. It was the first thing he’d said to Jaehyun in weeks.

“I want to spend the day with you,” Jaehyun said. It wasn’t a question. Jungwoo blinked. He seemed to be half-asleep.

“What about Johnny?” Jungwoo asked. Jaehyun’s breath hitched, both at the mention of Johnny’s name and the fact that they were talking. This hadn’t happened in such a long time.

“Don’t worry about him,” Jaehyun said. Then he added, “Please?”

To Jaehyun’s extreme surprise, Jungwoo agreed.

Jaehyun took Jungwoo to the movies. He didn’t know if Jungwoo had ever looked at the stupid box Jaehyun made him, but it was still one of Jaehyun’s favorite things to do with his roommate. Jungwoo was fun to go the movies with because he cracked jokes the whole time, ate a lot, laughed with his mouth open.

Jaehyun bought them both tickets, soda and popcorn. He chose the 4D version of the action movie so that if Jungwoo was a total pill, at least Jaehyun could still have some fun rattling around in the seats.

But to his surprise, Jungwoo acted like it was old times. He gave his commentary (“Why do her combat boots have stiletto heels anyway, hyung?”), pigged out on popcorn with Jaehyun as they both laughed loudly. The movie was definitely an American film because it was so over the top and awful. Even once they walked out of the movie, they couldn’t stop laughing.

Jaehyun couldn’t remember the last time he laughed like this with Jungwoo.

It felt so good.

After that, they walked towards the Han River. It was a beautiful Sunday, so many people were out. Jaehyun feared they would lapse into awkward silence but to his surprise, they kept talking. Their conversation flowed easily.

Just like it used to.

Like Jungwoo hadn’t been ignoring him for months.

Jaehyun wanted to talk about that. But they had time.

“I can’t hit… the E,” Jungwoo said, talking about his killing part on one of the new songs on their album. “I’m like…” He held two fingers close together. “So close.”

“Are you drinking a lot of water before recording?” Jaehyun asked.

“That might help.”

“I also like to do a sauna if I need to go a little outside of my range,” Jaehyun said. “Opens your lungs.”

“They said my mouth opens big enough,” Jungwoo said, opening his mouth widely and sticking out his tongue. Jaehyun laughed.

He put his arm around Jungwoo.

It almost felt like they were brothers again.

Why didn’t Jaehyun do this sooner?

They passed a beautiful park with dozens of beautiful, blooming cherry blossoms. Jaehyun grabbed Jungwoo’s arm to stop him.

“Look,” Jaehyun said, pointing ahead. “The cherry blossoms are blooming. Let’s go.”

They walked into the park, which was crowded with so many people wanting to do the same thing as they were. But Jaehyun followed Jungwoo’s long legs as they headed deeper in the park. They hopped over a fence and they were an area that was much further from the crowd, but there were still so many beautiful trees.

Johnny would love this, Jaehyun thought with a pang of longing.

It was so romantic.

“Stand there,” Jaehyun told Jungwoo, thinking of Johnny. This was what Johnny would do if they were here together. “I want to take your picture.”

He took Jungwoo’s picture but then Jungwoo insisted on taking his. They took turns. Jaehyun found a perfect tree for Jungwoo to lean against. He tried to take the perfect pictures at the perfect angle but he wasn’t gifted in that like Johnny was.

The naked picture Johnny had taken of him was so beautiful.

“You’re getting skinny, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, looking at Jungwoo through the phone camera. He hadn’t really noticed before taking these pictures but Jungwoo had lost some weight. He couldn’t really see it in his face but he saw it in Jungwoo’s legs and his waist.

Jungwoo did some aegyo poses.

Jaehyun laughed. This was the cute roommate he used to have.

He vowed that he and Jungwoo were going to talk about what had really happened between them.

Jaehyun was taking his life back.

They took selfies together before heading back down the river. Lots of couples were sitting near the river on the beautiful day, having picnics and staring at each other.

It made Jaehyun’s heart hurt.

He was such a stupid fool.

“Johnny didn’t want to have a picnic with you?” Jungwoo asked, all of a sudden.

Jaehyun’s heart ached even harder but he managed to choke out a laugh.

“I think he would love to, but it would be sort of hard…” Jaehyun said. Especially considering the fact that Johnny said they needed to take a break. But Jaehyun didn’t mention that part. He didn’t want to bring the mood down. He wanted to focus on Jungwoo. So he looked at his roommate and added, “Besides, he told me that I should spend some time with you. I’m grateful you agreed. I really missed you.”

It was the most honest thing he’d said in weeks. Jungwoo smiled at him. Jaehyun slipped his arm through Jungwoo’s and gave it a squeeze.

“I missed you, too,” Jungwoo said.

Jaehyun finally felt like he was doing something right.

Later that day, Jaehyun treated Jungwoo to meat at Jungwoo’s favorite restaurant. They both ordered so much and had fun pigging out, drinking and talking. When was the last time Jaehyun hung out with _anyone_ like this, not just Johnny. He hadn’t even participated in the 97-liner chat in weeks.

This was another sign that Jaehyun needed to take his life back.

He was glad he was starting tonight.

He had two important things left to do. Once they got him, he was going to have a serious talk with Jungwoo.

And he was going to call Johnny.

For once, Jaehyun was going to make the first move when it came to their relationship.

On the way home, Jaehyun suggested that he and Jungwoo make s’mores for dessert. They had fun shopping for all the ingredients, including a food torch so they could toast the marshmallows. Sure, they could have used the microwave, but it wouldn’t be the same. Fire was more fun.

Jaehyun would talk to Jungwoo when they were stuffed and happy.

It would be a good talk.

Jaehyun knew it.

“Hey Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, when they got back to the dorm. Jungwoo put their grocery bags on the kitchen table. “I’m gonna make a phone call. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Jungwoo said. He had already taken out the torch. Jaehyun knew he was dying to use it.

Jaehyun chuckled to himself and slipped in their shared bedroom.

He needed to talk to Johnny now. He needed to hear his voice. They hadn’t spoken in a few days. He wanted to see how Johnny was doing and he wanted to tell him that he was ready to talk.

They wouldn’t have the conversation now but Jaehyun wanted to let Johnny know that he was thinking about him. Always.

He was truly ready to be with Johnny.

Jaehyun knew this now. Jaehyun only had one life to live.

Johnny was who he wanted. And Jaehyun would do anything to prove that to him.

Jaehyun’s heart was racing once he closed the bedroom door and dialed Johnny’s number.

Johnny answered groggily.

“Hello?” he said.

“Did I wake you?”

“Hi Jaehyun…”

“Hi.”

Jaehyun let the call lapse into silence. He swallowed.

“I wanted to talk to you, John—” Jaehyun said. But his palms were sweating and all of a sudden, the phone slipped.

Jaehyun winced as his phone hit the ground with a clatter and slid under Jungwoo’s bed. He crouched down to retrieve it. He hadn’t turned on the lights yet since he was only going to give Johnny a quick phone call. It was dark under the bed and he couldn’t see his phone. It must have locked when it fell.

Jaehyun got up and turned on the lights. Then he lifted Jungwoo’s bed skirt and looked under Jungwoo’s bed again.

He saw a white box.

The box that he’d put Jungwoo’s present in. At least Jungwoo had kept it.

He saw something else.

His phone had stopped against a gray container about the size of a bread box. Jaehyun was about to grab his phone when he noticed two letters written boldly on the container.

KD.

It took a moment before it clicked for Jaehyun. KD. Kim Doyoung. Doyoung’s initials. The gray container.

It was Doyoung’s Tupperware. Jaehyun would recognize Doyoung’s handwriting anywhere. This was the Tupperware that Doyoung had yelled at everyone about. It was under Jungwoo’s bed.

The whole time?

What was going on?

Did Jungwoo know?

Jaehyun grabbed his phone and tossed it on his bed. Then he pulled out the container.

It was full.

There were 5 more just like it under the bed. So all of Doyoung’s Tupperware was here. So strange. Jaehyun lifted his head about to call Jungwoo, but then he thought better of it.

He wanted to see what was inside.

He had a feeling he should look before Jungwoo got involved in case there was something he was trying to hide. Why would he be storing something in stolen Tupperware under the bed?

Jaehyun pulled them all out. They weren’t all the same size. He grabbed the smallest one and opened that up first.

A putrid smell smacked him in the face as soon as he loosened the top.

It was absolutely foul. Jaehyun almost dropped the container but he had enough sense not to spill it all over the place because that smell was the type of smell that never left a room. It smelled worse than death. Jaehyun gagged.

It smelled like vomit.

He peered down at was in the container. Brown, chunky liquid, but with a certain viscosity that—

Jaehyun’s hands started shaking.

It was vomit.

All of a sudden, he knew, he knew with a certainty he’d never experienced in his life.

It was vomit.

He was holding a container full of vomit.

Jaehyun almost dropped it again. He gagged harder. He didn’t know what to do. His hands were shaking but he managed to put the container down and close it again, hastily.

He had to know.

He didn’t want to know.

He needed to know.

He opened the rest of them.

It was all the same. The same horrible smell. The same… substance, pretty much, some thicker, some thinner. All closed up and stored nicely under Jungwoo’s bed before Jaehyun discovered it.

Jaehyun jumped to his feet, suddenly.

Jungwoo was storing vomit under his bed, in his room.

Jaehyun glanced at the window.

He wanted to throw all the containers out of it. He wanted to scream.

He wanted to rip out his eyes, his nose.

He wanted to rip this knowledge from his brain.

He felt like he couldn’t move.

Why would Jungwoo _do_ this? How… where did he get this from? Where do you get… vomit?

But the answer was clear. Jaehyun thought back to what he said earlier that day. _You’re getting skinny, Jungwoo._

He had heard of this before but like… just as rumors. Maybe a magazine article. Never in real life.

Jungwoo was making himself vomit. He was doing it in Jaehyun’s room and storing it under his bed and—

Jaehyun clutched his stomach and doubled over for a moment. He felt sick. The smell was burned in his nose. His eyes were watering. He couldn’t get the sight out of his head. He closed his eyes and then pressed his hands over them.

Oh God. What was he supposed to do?

 _Jungwoo, what are you doing?_ He thought.

Then he realized his phone was ringing. It had been ringing for a while. A buzz buzz buzz on vibrate and then it stopped. Then it started again.

Jaehyun grabbed his phone. It was Johnny. Jaehyun answered the call and immediately hit end. He turned his phone off. He tossed it back on the bed.

No more buzzing.

Jaehyun didn’t think he could talk. He couldn’t breathe.

Maybe if—Jungwoo could have… an explanation. Maybe it wasn’t what he thought it was. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was a science experiment gone wrong. If Jungwoo could just explain it to him, this would all go away. There was no way what Jaehyun was thinking could be true.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun called before his mind could catch up. “Jungwoo!”

A couple moments later, he heard his roommate open the door and shuffle in their room. He looked happy. He looked normal. He smiled.

“Yes, hyung?” Jungwoo said.

Jaehyun grabbed the smallest container, his hands shaking, the top teetering a little bit in place. He held out towards Jungwoo. He spoke in a voice that he didn’t even know was his.

A voice of pure terror.

“Jungwoo… what is this?”

Jaehyun watched as all the color drained from Jungwoo’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments! 💚 this chapter is probably my favorite so far.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun confronts Jungwoo and makes a plan.
> 
> TW: vomit/bulimia

Jungwoo didn’t say anything.

Jaehyun tried again, choking out the words because he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Everything on Jungwoo’s pale, blank face confirmed his greatest fear.

Jaehyun was right.

“What _is_ this?” Jaehyun said, again. He needed Jungwoo to say it. He didn’t know what he would do when Jungwoo did. Maybe he’d scream. Maybe he’d cry. He felt like he was right on the edge of doing both.

Instead of saying anything, a hard look took over Jungwoo’s face. Just like that, he was back. The sullen, angry guy who hadn’t talked to him for months. Who ignored him at every turn. _No, no, no, no, no,_ Jaehyun thought, flinching when Jungwoo snatched the container from his hands.

The top was loose and some of the vomit sloshed out and over Jungwoo’s hands.

Jungwoo didn’t flinch.

Jaehyun lost it. He turned around, dry-heaving. He really thought he was going to throw up. He bent over and then he pressed his hands over his face. But nothing took away the sight, the sound, the smell, the knowledge, the overwhelming fear and disgust and confusion and—

“Oh my God,” Jaehyun moaned, before he realized he was speaking out loud.

Jungwoo still didn’t say anything. Jaehyun could feel his roommate’s tall presence behind him. Just standing there. What was wrong with him? Jaehyun felt like he could barely breathe. He clutched at his hoodie, tugging it away from his chest. He tried again and his voice came out tight and shaky.

“Jungwoo! What is going on?”

Nothing. The silence pressed in against the sides of Jaehyun’s head, boxing his ears. He got an instant splitting headache. His stomach was churning, worse than his worst coffee days. He felt dizzy. His head was still down. He didn’t want to look at Jungwoo ever again. He hated himself for thinking that. Jungwoo was sick. He needed help. Jaehyun had to pull himself together but he was just so overwhelmed and stressed and grossed out and he wanted to run away. He wanted to run away so bad. Now he understood why Jungwoo did it all the time. He wanted to get away from here and pretend it never happened. Why didn’t he go with Johnny to Busan? He’d be eating good seafood and having great sex right now if he’d just picked up the goddamn phone—

Jaehyun clapped his hand against his mouth because he didn’t know if he was going to puke or sob.

After a moment, he slowly lowered his hand. He could feel Jungwoo there, breathing. If he looked down he could see Jungwoo’s slippers. The same ones he always wore. His familiar roommate.

Only Jaehyun didn’t know him anymore.

“What—what—“ Jaehyun closed his eyes and forced the words out. The same question kept coming out over and over again. “Why…? What… is that..?”

“What were you doing touching my stuff?” Jungwoo asked, like he’d caught Jaehyun looking at private messages on his computer instead of finding his vomit stash—oh God.

The tears started coming. Jaehyun couldn’t stop them. They’d been building for a long time. They flowed down his face like blood, like an angry gash that wouldn’t stop bleeding. Jaehyun pressed his fingers against his eyes and tried to breathe. He didn’t feel like he was crying. He felt like he was losing everything.

His throat was clogged with tears when he spoke again. “I dropped my phone and it slid under your bed.” Jaehyun took a shaky breath and continued slowly. “I saw Doyoung’s Tupperware and I… they were all full. Oh my God.” The last word came out as a sob. His nose was running uncontrollably. Jaehyun hadn’t cried like this in a long time. He didn’t even know what was happening to him.

He couldn’t stop.

“You shouldn’t have looked,” Jungwoo said, flatly.

Jaehyun didn’t know what planet Jungwoo was on but it wasn’t here. They weren’t in the same room at the same time. He didn’t think Jungwoo was even talking to him. Why wasn’t he freaking out? He was just standing them, fiddling with the container and making sure the top was on right.

Something was seriously wrong. Jaehyun told himself to pull it together but he couldn’t stop crying.

“I feel sick,” Jaehyun said, before he realized he was talking. He struggled to take a deep breath. It came out in a moan. “Jungwoo…”

“You should leave,” Jungwoo said.

Jaehyun sucked in his breath. No, that couldn’t happen again. He wouldn’t have Jungwoo running away, again.

Because this time he knew Jungwoo wasn’t going to come back.

“No!” Jaehyun blurted out, straightening up. He forced himself to turn around and face Jungwoo. Like a faucet, his tears turned off. He wiped his eyes, finally taking that deep breath. He looked Jungwoo over, standing there. Jungwoo’s hair was too long. His belt was pulled too tight. Why hadn’t Jaehyun seen it?

“Jungwoo, you are _not_ okay,” Jaehyun said, spelling it out for both of them. Jungwoo was staring at him with that scary, blank face but at least he didn’t move. He didn’t run away. Jaehyun took another shaky breath, the shock clearing from his brain. Suddenly, so many things were making sense. He couldn’t deny that this was the truth.

Especially when Jungwoo wasn’t denying it.

“You’re… you’re… you’re doing this?” Jaehyun sputtered out, his mind going to all sorts of places. Random memories, like on New Year’s even when Jungwoo ate so much pizza and then left to take a shower immediately afterward. How he took so many showers. He was out of the room a lot. He never spent any break during practice with them. The funny smell in their room.

Then the morning after Christmas when he noticed all the leftover food was missing, including the now found Tupperware. He’d found Jungwoo in the bathroom throwing up. There was that look on Jungwoo’s face when Jaehyun turned on the lights. Just for a split second.

Like he’d been caught.

Jaehyun pressed a hand over his mouth, mumbling before he knew what he was saying. He was speaking mostly to himself while Jungwoo just stared. “When… that night… Johnny’s eggnog…” Oh God, he’d been so wrong about the eggnog. “Did you.. the food!” Jaehyun didn’t want to put it together but he kept going. “The missing food from the Christmas party.”

His eyes landed on Jungwoo again. Jungwoo stood there, motionless, blank, pale… he looked like he didn’t even hear what Jaehyun was saying. Jaehyun’s heart dropped fast. How could he ever be mad at him? What Jungwoo was doing was _destroying_ him. Jaehyun could see that now.

How did he miss it before?

“Oh… oh Jungwoo…” Jaehyun whispered. “How long have you been doing this? Oh God…”

He took a deep breath as Jungwoo continued to show no reaction. Jaehyun needed him to be in this room. He needed Jungwoo to come back to reality. He needed Jungwoo to acknowledge that this was serious, and they needed to something.

Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed Jungwoo by both wrists and shook him a little, trying to force Jungwoo to look at him, trying to shake Jungwoo back into this room. “Jungwoo!” Jaehyun shouted to get his attention.

They could go to their manager. They could go to the hospital. Jaehyun wasn’t sure which one was right, but they had to tell someone. A person who knew what to do.

Jaehyun didn’t know what to do.

“We, we, have to tell—“ Jaehyun said.

Jungwoo shoved him into the wall.

Jaehyun gasped, taken completely off guard as his head hit the wall with a crack. Jungwoo didn’t seem to hear it. He was looking down at Jaehyun with wild, dangerous eyes. Jaehyun didn’t have time to feel the pain. Jungwoo’s hands pinned him in place against the wall. They squeezed him. Jaehyun could feel Jungwoo’s hot breath in his face.

Jaehyun had quite a bit of weight on his roommate.

But in that moment he was afraid.

“You can’t!” Jungwoo screamed in his face.

Jaehyun flashed back to something else. He thought about after Jungwoo kissed him, when Jungwoo jumped up and ran away. The way he and Johnny drove through the streets, desperately searching. Then their manager asking, _do you think he was in a state of mind where he would want to… hurt himself_? Jaehyun said no then.

Now he wasn’t so sure.

He couldn’t let that happen.

“Okay, I won’t!” Jaehyun yelled back. Jungwoo was leaning into him, breathing hard, practically snarling. Jaehyun didn’t know who this was but he wasn’t going to let this Jungwoo go. Because he knew from spending time today that his old roommate was in there too.

He had to get through this. He didn’t know what he was going to do next but Jaehyun knew they had to get though this moment.

Jaehyun kept talking, trying to keep his cool as Jungwoo had him pinned menacingly against the wall.

“I won’t. I promise. I won’t tell, Jungwoo. I won’t tell. I won’t tell. I won’t tell,” Jaehyun babbled, desperately trying to calm Jungwoo down. “I won’t say anything to anybody. I promise, Jungwoo. I won’t tell. I promise.”

His heart was racing.

He really couldn’t tell anyone.

He didn’t know what Jungwoo would do.

Jungwoo still had him pinned, his hands clutching Jaehyun’s hoodie. Jaehyun didn’t know if Jungwoo wanted to choke him or bash his head back against the wall over and over again. His head was really starting to hurt. His instincts were telling him to fight but Jaehyun forced himself to hold back. He closed his eyes tightly. He told himself to remember who Jungwoo really was. Jungwoo was his younger roommate, his teammate, his brother, whom he loved. Jungwoo wasn’t this stranger who shoved him, threatened him, ignored him and secretly threw up alone in the dark.

Jaehyun loved Jungwoo. He loved him. No matter what. And Jaehyun was going to help him.

He didn’t know how but he was going to help him. But he knew he had to do it by himself. He had no other choice.

Jaehyun took a shaky beath. While Jungwoo clutched him, he managed to wiggle his arms out from where they were pinned under Jungwoo’s body and wrapped Jungwoo into a hug. At first, Jungwoo struggled to pull away. Jaehyun used his strength to hold onto Jungwoo tight. After a moment, Jungwoo rested against him. His hands relaxed. He let Jaehyun hold him. Jaehyun slid his hands under Jungwoo’s hoodie. He had to know. He could feel the thinness here, Jungwoo’s delicate body under all those clothes. Jaehyun held Jungwoo tighter and Jungwoo sagged against him.

Why didn’t he know?

The tears came back but they were much different now. Jaehyun’s heart was breaking for Jungwoo.

And Jaehyun hated himself for failing him.

“Oh, Jungwoo…” Jaehyun whispered, in a shaky voice, breaking their silence. He pressed the side of his face against Jungwoo’s as tears slipped down his nose. He held Jungwoo as tight as he could because he wasn’t letting him go. Jungwoo didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. What happened to him?

“Oh, I’m sorry…” Jaehyun said, the words pouring out of him. He was sorry about a lot of things, but most of all, this. And sorry wasn’t enough.

“I’m sorry… I won’t tell. I won’t. I’m sorry, Jungwoo….” Jaehyun thought back to how he told everyone about Jungwoo kissing him. Maybe if he hadn’t told, they wouldn’t be here. Jungwoo would have told him about this as soon as it started. They could have faced it together. Now Jungwoo was clearly completely out of control. And no one had noticed. Especially Jaehyun, his roommate, his hyung, who should have noticed first. How did he miss this? Why did he ignore Johnny? Why was everything Jaehyun did so _selfish_?

“Jungwoo, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I should have noticed. I should have helped you. I’m so sorry. I’m worried about you. You can’t do this to yourself. Jungwoo, I’m so scared for you. I don’t know what to do.” Jaehyun’s voice broke off in a sob. He knew that Jungwoo could feel his tears.

This was why Jaehyun let others run his life so much. He was too stupid to figure things out on his own. He didn’t know what to do. He truly didn’t know what to do. The lump in his throat was so big, his tears wouldn’t stop coming. He thought he was going to choke.

All of a sudden, Jungwoo cried out in a wail that Jaehyun had never heard before. He was so surprised he stopped crying. Jungwoo burst into tears. He started crying so hard that his body was shaking violently. He started crying like he would never stop.

Jaehyun kept a tight hold on Jungwoo and brought them both to the floor, sitting on his butt with Jungwoo on top of him. Jaehyun didn’t say anything as Jungwoo sobbed and wailed and shook. Sometimes Jaehyun cried with him. Most of the time, he just held him. He stroked his hair. He whispered to Jungwoo that he was there. Whatever pain Jungwoo had been hiding needed to come out. No one could sustain what Jungwoo had been doing. Jaehyun knew he was meant to know this secret.

But that didn’t make it any easier.

“We’re going to figure it out,” Jaehyun spoke softly as Jungwoo continued to cry. He was crying like his body had nothing left to give. Jaehyun stroked Jungwoo’s hair. His whole body was starting to go numb from this cramped position, but he didn’t dare move. He didn’t dare let Jungwoo go.

He wasn’t going to lose him.

“I promise, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun continued. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to tell. You and me are in this together. Okay?”

He didn’t expect Jungwoo to answer and Jungwoo didn’t say anything. His body continued to shake as he sniffed. Jaehyun tightened his grip and rested his chin over the top of Jungwoo’s hair. He hummed whatever songs came into mind. He stared at his made bed, untouched for a couple of nights. He tried to stay as calm as he could, even though his heart was racing.

If they could just get through this night, maybe Jaehyun could get Jungwoo through this.

Maybe.

Hours later, Jaehyun was still on the floor, holding Jungwoo. He heard their teammates start to come back to the dorm from their free weekend. He could hear indistinct chatter, light laughter, footsteps up and down the hallway.

None of them knew what was happening in Jaehyun’s room. They had no idea.

Jungwoo seemed to be asleep, but Jaehyun wasn’t taking any chances. He laid back on his back, with Jungwoo on top of him awkwardly. He glanced under Jungwoo’s bed, empty now. The containers weren’t too far away from them on the floor.

Jaehyun shuddered but he didn’t move.

Jungwoo was breathing evenly and deeply now. It was a little hard for Jaehyun to breathe with all of Jungwoo’s dead weight on top of him. But it was okay.

Jaehyun deserved to suffer.

There was a sharp knock on the door. Jaehyun sucked in his breath. They better not open it. Whoever it was better not open it or he would flip.

“Hey!” Taeil called from the other side. “Anybody in there?”

The light was on. Jaehyun knew Taeil could see it from under the door. But they hadn’t come out in hours and now it was late.

“Hey,” Jaehyun called back, as lightly as he could. “Me and Jungwoo are home. But don’t come in. Jungwoo is sick and I don’t want you to catch it.”

“Oh,” Taeil said, sounding worried on the other side of the door. “Should I get some tea? Or call the doctor?”

“I’ll do it,” Jaehyun said, quickly. “He’s not that sick. Uh… just a stomach thing. Like a 24 hour flu. I’ll stay with him tomorrow morning and then we’ll join you at afternoon rehearsal. Will you please tell everyone?”

Jaehyun prayed he sounded convincing. Taeil didn’t say anything for a moment. Could he smell it? Jaehyun could smell the vomit everywhere, now.

“Okay,” Taeil said. “Let me know if you need anything. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, hyung,” Jaehyun said, closing his eyes.

Let him know if he needed anything.

Jaehyun needed so much.

Jaehyun waited on the floor until the apartment was quiet again and all the other lights were off. He waited until his body was practically screaming in agony. He waited until Jungwoo hadn’t moved in quite a long time.

Then he slowly sat up.

His head ached from when Jungwoo slammed him in the wall. He wiggled out from under Jungwoo and then he could barely stand up because his legs and feet were all pins and needles.

Once he regained his circulation, he managed to get to his feet. He lifted Jungwoo up and put him on his bed. Right now, Jungwoo was dead to the world but Jaehyun didn’t know how long that would last. Or what Jungwoo would do when he woke up.

Jaehyun vowed to stay up all night.

He carefully undressed Jungwoo and slipped him into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. It was harder than Jaehyun thought it would be, but Jungwoo didn’t wake up. He was completely passed out. Fast asleep, Jungwoo looked the same as he always did. Sweet and cute, long and lanky, his face relaxed like an angel, lots of messy hair. Jaehyun rubbed his hands over his eyes and then looked at himself in his mirror.

He looked like a fucking mess.

Jaehyun raked his fingers through his hair and rubbed at his swollen eyes. He barely felt like he was inside his body. He didn’t know what to think.

Jaehyun sat on his bed, right on top of his phone.

He pulled his phone out from under his ass. The stupid device that had started this whole thing. Jaehyun turned it on again.

Immediately the screen clogged with notifications. A dozen missed calls from Johnny. A bunch of texts.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Jaehyun

 **JohnYoungHO** : Are you okay?

 **JohnYoungHO** : Why aren’t you calling me back?

 **JohnYoungHO** : I thought you wanted to talk

J **ohnYoungHO** : I want to talk

 **JohnYoungHO** : Really talk. Look, I’m sorry for losing it the other night.

 **JohnYoungHO** : Let’s talk.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I miss you, Jae and I think you miss me too

 **JohnYoungHO** : Where are you?

 **JohnYoungHO** : Are you ignoring me?

 **JohnYoungHO** : Call me. Any time tonight. I mean it, Jaehyun. I’ll be back early tomorrow morning.

 **JohnYoungHO** : I love you.

Jaehyun covered his mouth and swallowed back a sob he didn’t even know he still had inside of him. He wanted to run into Johnny’s arms. Have Johnny hold him. He wanted to tell Johnny everything. Johnny would know what to do. Kiss Johnny until he felt better. He cared about Johnny so much.

Maybe even loved him.

He missed Johnny. He still didn’t want to be without Johnny. He wanted to tell Johnny that so badly.

Jaehyun glanced at Jungwoo passed out in his bed.

He looked at the containers of vomit on the floor.

He thought about when he told management about when Jungwoo kissed him and then Jungwoo didn’t talk to him for three months.

Jaehyun couldn’t risk that happening again.

He couldn’t be with Johnny. If he stayed with Johnny, he’d tell him about Jungwoo and then Jungwoo would run away. Jaehyun didn’t want to think about what might happen after that.

Jaehyun couldn’t risk it.

Jaehyun wanted to curl up on his side and cry. He wondered if Johnny was thinking about him right now, feeling the exact same way.

But Jaehyun didn’t have time for any more tears.

Instead, he got up and quietly left his room. He grabbed two trash bags. He tried not to think about it as he stuffed the used Tupperware inside one trash bag, double bagged it and then quickly left the dorm to throw it all down the trash chute.

He stood in the empty hallway and looked at his feet. He imagined himself walking five floors down to the 5th floor dorm and knocking on the door. Maybe Doyoung would answer and he’d be annoyed, but when Jaehyun explained what was going on, he’d know what to do. His hyungs, they used to take care of him, Johnny included. Maybe they knew something he didn’t.

Jaehyun crossed his arms, hugging himself, and took a deep breath.

He didn’t want to go back to his room. He didn’t want to face this.

But Jaehyun was the hyung now.

Jaehyun went back to his room.

Jungwoo was still fast asleep. Jaehyun wanted to take a shower, but he didn’t dare. Instead, he grabbed some cleaning supplies from the bathroom and cleaned up their floor. He cracked the window. He lit a candle. He changed into his pajamas, grabbed his laptop, turned off the lights, and sat cross legged on his bed. He typed “Bulimia” into the Google search bar.

Jaehyun started scrolling.

There was a lot of information about Bulimia, but it felt like a lot of it didn’t apply. Most of it seemed to talk about women. There was no information about how to recover if you didn’t want to tell anyone.

No information about how Jaehyun could treat this alone.

Jaehyun read about side effects like swollen glands, swollen cheeks, cuts on the back of the hand, sore throat, stomach aches, digestion problems. There were serious complications like the person’s throat could rupture or their heart could stop.

Jaehyun closed his laptop. He didn’t want to read anymore.

He really didn’t know what to do.

Jaehyun laid in the darkness, watching Jungwoo sleep. Maybe this would be it. Maybe Jungwoo would wake up and be ready to stop. It was just an experiment. It wasn’t an addiction. They’d be okay. The next morning they’d be laughing and smiling.

Jaehyun woke up suddenly. He’d accidentally fallen asleep. He’d been dreaming.

Thankfully, Jungwoo was still in his bed. Jaehyun got up and got some coffee. He got some Red Bull. He ate Twizzlers. He put on his glasses and watched porn with headphones on.

He stayed awake.

Around 7am, he heard the dorm start to wake up. Mark was particularly loud, screaming about something and laughing. Taeil knocked on the door again.

“We’re leaving!” he called. “Need anything?”

“Nope! We’re okay!” Jaehyun lied.

Then they were alone.

Jaehyun rubbed a hand over his face. He was so tired already. This was a different tired than running on two hours of sleep. This was a tired that seeped into his bones. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to get rid of it.

Jaehyun’s phone started buzzing and chirping with texts. Johnny must have been back.

He turned his phone off again.

Around ten, Jaehyun looked up as he heard Jungwoo start to stir. He was about to say something when Jungwoo shot up, awake with wild eyes.

“Hyung—“ Jungwoo croaked out when their eyes met. His voice sounded hoarse and he sounded like he didn’t know where he was.

“Shhh…” Jaehyun closed his laptop and told himself to stay calm. “Good morning. You’re awake. Don’t worry. I got us out of our motning schedules, but he we have to go to rehearsal this afternoon.”

He got up and went over to Jungwoo, peering down at Jungwoo’s agitated face, half-covered by his too long hair. Jaehyun pushed his hair back with a smile. He loved Jungwoo so much.

He could do this.

Right then, he knew what his plan was to get Jungwoo through this. The plan was simple.

He’d never leave Jungwoo’s side.

Jaehyun eased Jungwoo to lay down again and sat on the edge of Jungwoo’s bed. He rubbed Jungwoo’s arm until he felt his roommate relax. Jaehyun’s eyes felt raw and gritty, like they had been rubbed in sand but otherwise, he was doing okay. Jungwoo was still here. That was all that mattered.

“How do you feel?” Jaehyun asked.

Jungwoo pointed at his throat. “It hurts,” he said.

“I’ll get you some tea.” Jaehyun got to his feet. “Don’t move.”

His heart was beating a little faster. He left their bedroom door open.

It felt better to be doing something. Jaehyun knew how to make tea. He could handle a sore throat. He chose some peppermint tea. He steeped the tea for exactly 4 minutes. He added a little honey. It was his favorite recipe, the kind of tea that helped him the most.

Of course, his sore throats came from oversinging, not hysterical crying and forced vomiting.

Jaehyun tried not to think about that part.

Jaehyun hurried back to Jungwoo, who was still on the bed, looking dazed. He waited for Jungwoo to sit up and handed him the tea.

“Drink up,” Jaehyun said, easing himself down on the edge of Jungwoo’s bed again. “It’s peppermint. It’ll help your stomach, too.”

Jaehyun got comfortable on Jungwoo’s bed while Jungwoo leaned against his pillows and drank his tea. It felt nice to hang out with his roommate again, doing nothing, not even talking. They hadn’t done this in ages when they used to hang out like this all the time.

It almost felt normal.

But nothing was normal anymore.

Jaehyun could feel it in the air between them. He could sense Jungwoo’s unasked question.

After a while, he answered it.

“I got rid of everything,” Jaehyun said.

Jungwoo didn’t say anything. His face didn’t change. Jaehyun couldn’t tell if he felt angry or relieved.

“I’m sorry…” Jungwoo said, after a little while.

Jaehyun was so sick of that word. Everyone was saying sorry lately. He shook his head. “That’s the only thing I don’t want you to say to me, okay? I want you to tell me everything else.”

Jungwoo nodded without looking at him. They both didn’t move. Jaehyun watched Jungwoo take another sip of his tea. Jaehyun’s chest was burning. He had so many questions but he didn’t know how to ask.

Jaehyun knew he had to try.

“Can we talk about it a little…?” Jaehyun asked.

Jungwoo nodded.

Jaehyun thought back to all the terrible information he’d read about Bulimia on the websites. He asked Jungwoo how long he’d been doing this. How often he’d been doing it. How he did it.

Every answer was awful. He couldn’t believe this had been going on since Christmas, even though that made sense. Every day. Jungwoo had been doing this every day and no one noticed.

Jaehyun glanced down at Jungwoo’s hands. The websites said that when someone used their fingers to purge, they got abrasions on their hands. He carefully lifted Jungwoo’s right hand. He could see an old scab on the back of one of his knuckles and a fresher, red small cut on another. The evidence had been right here. Right in front of his face.

And Jaehyun hadn’t bothered to notice.

Jaehyun felt tears in his eyes, thinking about Jungwoo alone doing this to himself. He even said once he used laxatives and a spoon. It was too awful to think about. How could Jaehyun let this go on?

He held Jungwoo’s hand and kissed over his cuts. He wanted to keep Jungwoo’s hand safe forever.

“I don’t want you to do this anymore,” Jaehyun said slowly, in a shaky voice, even though he was trying not to show his tears.

Jungwoo sounded like he was also trying not to cry. “I don’t want to do it either,” he said.

Jaehyun felt relieved. He sniffed, feeling a comforting feeling of resolve. They were both on the same page. They both wanted to do this.

So Jaehyun was going to make it happen.

“Okay,” Jaehyun said, looking at Jungwoo seriously. He sniffed back his tears and then gave him a small smile. “Let’s work on this. I’ll stay with you, okay? I’ll never leave you alone. We can get through this, Jungwoo. I just need you to be honest with me. I won’t tell anyone. I promise. I’m going to stay by your side.”

Jaehyun let go of Jungwoo’s hand and cupped his face in his hands, leaning into him. He wanted Jungwoo to really see him. He wanted Jungwoo to hear this. He wanted Jungwoo to know that even though he had been so freaked out and scared before, he was ready now. He wasn’t going anywhere.

“You’re wonderful,” Jaehyun said. “I love you.” He kissed Jungwoo’s forehead and held him close as Jungwoo started to cry.

Jaehyun held Jungwoo tightly.

The words came so easily when it came to his roommate.

Why couldn’t he say them to Johnny?

Jaehyun pressed his face against Jungwoo’s hair and told himself not to think about Johnny anymore. He had more important things to worry about.

Jaehyun stayed by Jungwoo’s side, just as he promised. He watched Jungwoo take a shower and get dressed and ready. Jaehyun got ready the best he could. He tried not to show Jungwoo how tired he was. He had to be strong for him.

Jaehyun decided that they would have porridge before they went to afternoon rehearsal. Jungwoo sat in the kitchen with him.

“Hyung?” Jungwoo asked as Jaehyun was plugging in the kettle for the porridge.

“Yeah?”

“Um… what did you think? When you, uh, found the Tupperware?”

Jaehyun nearly dropped the kettle. He worked hard to keep his hands from shaking. He spoke in a steady voice.

Fuck that director. Jaehyun was a good actor.

“I was really shocked,” Jaehyun said, looking at Jungwoo and speaking in a voice that he hoped didn’t betray his true feelings. “I was really scared. I thought that it was a really desperate thing to do. I was heartbroken for you, Jungwoo. That’s when I knew you were dealing with something really hard. It hurt my heart to think of you struggling with this all alone.”

Jaehyun held his breath. He didn’t want to think about what he initially thought. The disgust, the shock, the horror, the anger. None of that would help now. Jungwoo didn’t need to hear it.

All that mattered was that Jungwoo felt better.

Jungwoo looked a little relieved.

“It’s gross,” Jungwoo said.

“Yeah, it is,” Jaehyun said, briskly. “That’s why I knew this was a big deal. No one would do this if they weren’t sick.” Jaehyun made sure to catch Jungwoo’s eyes, so Jungwoo would know he really mean this. Because now, after the shock had worn off, this was how Jaehyun truly felt. “I don’t think you’re gross, Jungwoo. I just think you’re dealing with something that’s out of your control. You’re going to get better, okay?”

Jaehyun turned back to the porridge, poured the hot water in, and stirred. The more he said that, the more it was going to come true, right?

The truth was he didn’t really know how to make Jungwoo better.

Talking about the side effects he read about with Jungwoo reminded him just how serious this was. Jaehyun couldn’t lose sight of his goal.

Jungwoo was the most important thing.

“I’m glad I found out,” Jaehyun said, voicing his thoughts out loud as he looked at Jungwoo. “Jungwoo, don’t worry about me. Nothing is too horrible for me. Nothing is too gross. I’d… do anything for you. Anything to prevent you from ending up in the hospital or worse. I’m glad I found the vomit. Now, stop thinking about that, okay? We have to think about the future. How we’re going to get you through this.”

Jaehyun set Jungwoo’s bowl of porridge down in front of him. He still didn’t know how to answer his own question.

But he knew that the first thing he needed to do was watch Jungwoo eat and make sure that it stayed down.

“You’ve never been fat, Jungwoo.” Jaehyun couldn’t resist saying this. “I don’t think anyone’s even… told you that.”

Jaehyun watched Jungwoo. His roommate looked just as confused as Jaehyun felt. Where had this come from? All Jaehyun had were questions. Maybe he wasn’t asking the right ones. He shook his head. Why didn’t matter. They needed to take it one day at a time.

“I don’t think you should visit the bathroom or go anywhere alone for 30 minutes after you eat,” Jaehyun said. He handed Jungwoo a bottle of water. “Okay?”

Jungwoo nodded.

Jaehyun gave Jungwoo’s hand a squeeze, looking at him closely. “We’re going to get through this,” he said, confidently.

He hoped his acting was good enough to convince them both.

*

“Jaehyun!” Johnny called as soon as Jaehyun walked in the practice room with Jungwoo. Jaehyun felt annoyed. He walked Jungwoo over near the couches. Jungwoo hadn’t been saying much after their lunch, so Jaehyun was a little worried.

“Hey.” Suddenly Johnny was standing next to Jaehyun, speaking in his ear. “What the fuck, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun whipped around, fixing Johnny with a glare. He’d planned to do this later, but apparently Johnny wanted to do it now.

“John, can I talk to you?” Jaehyun took Johnny’s arm and pulled him into the hallway.

“Jaehyun!” Johnny said, standing in the hallway with him. “Why haven’t you— “

“Let’s break up,” Jaehyun interrupted. Johnny’s mouth dropped open.

“Wh-what?” he sputtered. “Jaehyun— “

“It’s over.” Jaehyun turned to go back to the practice room but Johnny grabbed his arm.

“No! Stop. Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun turned around to face him, reluctantly. Johnny looked shocked, but his face was also full of hurt.

“Jaehyun, wait, I’m sorry I swore at you. I was… I’ve been… trying to reach you all night and all day. Where were you?”

“Isn’t that the problem?” Jaehyun pulled his arm from Johnny’s grip. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

Johnny scoffed, his eyes wide. “That’s not what you were going to say… last night.”

Jaehyun shrugged. “Last night was last night. We gotta go.”

“No!” Johnny said, angrily. “You owe me more than this! We can’t… you can’t just break up with me in the hallway before practice. No, it doesn’t end like this.”

“You’re the one who wanted to end it first, John.”

“No I _didn’t_ ,” Johnny said. “I said, take a break and think about things. We were supposed to talk. You wanted to.”

Jaehyun shrugged again. His acting skills had kicked into overdrive. “Well, I made up my mind.”

“Jaehyun, what the fuck is going on?”

Jaehyun opened his mouth but then he heard Haechan screaming. For some reason, he knew it had to do with Jungwoo. Jaehyun bolted for the practice room, yanking the door open.

He didn’t see Jungwoo on the floor like he feared. But he did see Jungwoo had thrown up all over the place.

“Get him out of here!” Haechan shrieked dramatically. Everyone else looked concerned.

“I told you he was sick!” Jaehyun shouted, going over to Jungwoo and grabbing him. He didn’t know what was going on (no way he’d done that on purpose, right?) but he knew they had to get out of there. Jaehyun pulled Jungwoo from the room, Jungwoo stumbling beside him like he was in a daze.

Jaehyun had no idea what he was doing.

No one could know.

“Jaehyun, just talk to me!” Johnny said, catching up with him in the hallway. “What’s wrong with Jungwoo?”

“Stay away from me, John,” Jaehyun spat out. “Don’t contact me.”

“Jaehyun!” Johnny kept pace with them. “Why are you being like this? What’s going on? Seriously, tell me.” Johnny grabbed Jaehyun’s arm. “Hey! Jaehyun. Slow down. What’s wrong?” Johnny looked at Jaehyun with so much concern. Jaehyun couldn’t stand it.

“Leave me alone, Johnny!” Jaehyun yelled. He elbowed Johnny hard in the chest.

“Fuck, Jaehyun!” Johnny stood there with a shocked look on his face. “My God…”

Jaehyun left Johnny standing there.

Jaehyun got someone to drive them home. He sat in the back of the car, holding Jungwoo as he slept. Jaehyun stared out the window.

Jaehyun told himself he was doing the right thing.

He wanted so bad to believe that he was.

He wasn’t sure.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun spends to week with Jungwoo.
> 
> TW:  
> Bulimia/allusions to suicide

Jaehyun sat up when he heard the insistent knocking on the door. He knew it was Johnny. Everyone had been back for at least an hour. He was surprised that Johnny took this long.

“Johnny, go away,” Jaehyun called.

“Open the door, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun sighed to himself and looked at Jungwoo, asleep in his bed. He’d been asleep on and off since they got back. Jaehyun didn’t know what was wrong with him. Maybe Jungwoo decided to make Jaehyun’s lie true and really get sick. Jaehyun was worried but he couldn’t tell anyone, so he just stayed in the room with Jungwoo and watched him sleep.

“Stop it!” Johnny said from the other side. “Stop ignoring me. Everyone’s here. Do you want me to make a scene?”

Jaehyun groaned to himself and got up. He opened the door and stared up at Johnny, who was staring down at him. Nobody was obviously watching them, but Mark’s door was open down the hall.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said, evenly. “I meant what I said.”

“You fucking hit me!” Johnny said, his eyes wide.

Jaehyun took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “I’m sorry,” he said, and it was probably the first time he hadn’t lied all day. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Yeah.” Johnny huffed. He fixed Jaehyun with a serious look. “What’s going on? I know something’s wrong.”

Jaehyun crossed his arms and didn’t say anything, leaning against the frame of the open doorway.

“I know you, Jaehyun. You tend to disappear when you’re overwhelmed. Yeah, you can be snippy… I get it. You can even be bitchy. But you’re not mean.” Johnny rubbed his chest and Jaehyun tried not to react to the hurt look on Johnny’s face. “What was that? What’s wrong? It has to do with Jungwoo, doesn’t it?”

Jaehyun glanced over his shoulder at Jungwoo, who was still sleeping. He knew Johnny could see him, too.

“He’s right there,” Jaehyun hissed.

“Tell me, Jae.”

Jaehyun didn’t know what to do but he had to get Johnny out of there. They couldn’t be having this conversation in the dorm hallway, in front of Jungwoo.

“Johnny, I said I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“I’m not accepting that. You’re not being fair to me. You’re trying to push me away and I thought it was because you were just stressed out, but this is something different. What’s going on?”

Jaehyun wanted to slap the side of the door but he grit his teeth to remain calm.

“Fine, we can talk.”

“Over dinner?”

“Five minutes.”

“You wanna go to my car?”

Jaehyun shook his head. The garage was so far away. He was nervous to leave Jungwoo alone for very long. He could slip away and disappear.

“The roof,” Jaehyun said.

“Fine.” Johnny reached out for Jaehyun’s hand. “Let’s go.”

Jaehyun didn’t take it. He stepped out of his room and closed the door softly behind him.

They climbed the stairs silently. Johnny opened the door for him at the top. They were hit with a blast of chilly air, but it was actually a mild night. Jaehyun followed Johnny over to the smoking area where there were a couple of chairs. He pulled his hood over his head and sat down.

“I got these for you,” Johnny said, sitting beside him. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his hoodie pocket.

“Way better than the shit we smoked last time.” Johnny took a cigarette out and handed it to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun waited for Johnny to light the cigarette before he took a deep drag.

He didn’t trust himself to speak.

“Busan was beautiful.” Johnny leaned into him and showed some pictures on his phone. Jaehyun held his breath as he looked at the pictures Johnny took of the quiet beach, the gentle waves of the ocean and a tourist road where vendors stood in front of their booths looking bored, framed by palm trees. There was a picture of Johnny, leaning over a balcony, staring out at the ocean, a swirly mix of dark blue and gray under a cloudy sky. He must have used a tripod to take it himself.

Jaehyun stared at the last picture for a long moment. Busan through Johnny’s eyes was beautiful but Johnny on his own was the most beautiful image of all.

An ache bloomed deep in his chest. Jaehyun took another hard drag of the cigarette.

“I’m actually glad I went there by myself,” Johnny said, looking at him. “I think people should go places by themselves. It gave me time to think. It was relaxing. I met a lot of nice people.” Johnny paused. Jaehyun could feel his Johnny’s eyes boring through him even though Jaehyun refused to meet them.

“I thought about you a lot,” Johnny continued. “Something happened over the weekend. What happened? What’s wrong? It has to do with Jungwoo, doesn’t it?”

Jaehyun’s stomach twisted. He was this close to telling Johnny everything. And it would be a relief. These past 24 hours had been a nightmare. He didn’t know how long he could go on carrying this secret.

But Jungwoo. Jungwoo was the only one who mattered. If he told Johnny, Jungwoo would find out and then Jungwoo would be _gone_. Jaehyun knew that as surely as he knew he was sitting on a chair, smoking a cigarette in the early spring Seoul night. He’d lose Jungwoo.

Jaehyun couldn’t be the reason something awful happened to Jungwoo.

He’d never forgive himself.

So, he lied. The words slipped out of Jaehyun’s mouth.

“We hooked up.”

Johnny straightened up with a flinch, as if Jaehyun had actually punched him in the face. He didn’t say anything for a moment, his face turning ashen. Then Johnny shook his head.

“What?” he spat out.

“It just happened,” Jaehyun said, tonelessly, looking straight ahead. “You know he’s always liked me.”

“Jaehyun, this is a _sick_ thing to lie about!” Johnny stood up so fast, his chair toppled over, falling backwards.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything.

“You wouldn’t do that.”

Jaehyun shrugged. His heart was pounding so hard. He thought Johnny must have been able to hear it.

“Not with Jungwoo. Come on.”

Jaehyun tipped his head to the side and looked at Johnny out of the corner of his eye. “I’ve slept with plenty of people before you, John. And I’ll sleep with plenty of people after you. Don’t tell me what I would or would not do.”

“Jaehyun! Listen to yourself!”

Jaehyun looked away and closed his eyes for a moment.

“You want me gone that badly…” Johnny said, quietly. It sounded like he was talking to himself. Jaehyun could feel Johnny standing over him, breathing heavily. Jaehyun kept sucking on the cigarette, keeping his hand close to his mouth so hopefully Johnny wouldn’t notice him shaking.

They didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Fine,” Johnny said, breaking the silence. “Fine. You know, I said I’d do anything for you, and I meant it. All you have to do is tell me to leave. But… but you really want to hurt me. You’re going out of your way to hurt me. I don’t understand it.”

Johnny shot Jaehyun a wounded look. Jaehyun looked away.

“I don’t deserve it, Jae, no matter what’s going on. I don’t. Why do you want to hurt me so bad? So, I’ll stay away? Fine, I get the hint. I’ll leave you alone. I’m done.”

Jaehyun still didn’t look at Johnny. He listened to Johnny’s angry, retreating footsteps.

He heard the roof door slam shut.

Jaehyun finished his cigarette.

Then he leaned over, pressed his face against his hands and burst into tears.

*

Day 2 with no sleep.

Jaehyun’s phone was quiet except for a “good morning” text from Taeyong in the group chat.

No messages from Johnny.

Nothing from Johnny.

Jaehyun rubbed his tired eyes. He’d spent some time searching online about eating disorders again. He found himself on some forum that told talked about secrets for fooling doctors and the best foods to throw up. He went down that rabbit hole for a while. It was a terrible place. When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he closed his laptop and took a deep breath.

Jaehyun curled up on his side in his bed and watched Jungwoo sleep in the darkness. Did Jungwoo really think about that stuff? When to eat, when to throw up, the best ways, the best foods, the best way to hide?

It seemed like a very lonely place.

Jaehyun felt so sad for him. And now, here Jaehyun was, thinking about the best ways to lie. To hide the truth from Johnny.

He told Johnny he slept with Jungwoo. How could he say that?

Maybe Jaehyun was more like those people in the eating disorder forums than he thought. Very desperate.

After that, Jaehyun did his best to turn his mind off. He just laid there and focused on keeping his eyes open.

Didn’t think about anything at all.

Jungwoo woke up early, which made sense since he’d been asleep since late afternoon. Jaehyun smiled at him the best he could. It hurt his face.

“Good morning, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said.

Jungwoo rubbed his eyes and smiled a little.

Jaehyun took a deep breath. “Let’s try this again,” he said.

They took showers. It felt so good to take a shower. Jungwoo brushed his teeth and washed his face while Jaehyun took his shower, so he felt better about it. They were in the same room and Jungwoo seemed calm. He almost seemed normal. He seemed well-rested, which Jaehyun could not claim. He nearly dozed off in the shower, under the warm water. He turned it up hotter. When he got out, his skin was red.

After they finished getting ready, they went out to the kitchen. It was too early for the others to be up. They would be waking up soon for practice at 10am. Jaehyun decided to make ramen for breakfast. Jungwoo helped him. It was good to see him moving around, instead of sitting there like a zombie like yesterday.

Jungwoo made a joke about soft boiled eggs and Jaehyun laughed.

It almost felt like old times.

Jaehyun made the strongest cup of coffee he could manage. He tried not to think about Johnny the whole time. It was especially hard not to think about Johnny when he was making coffee. He’d been trying not to think about Johnny for a long time but it wasn’t working. Johnny was right. Jaehyun didn’t have to hurt Johnny like that. It wasn’t fair.

But Jaehyun still thought it was for the best. If Jaehyun made Johnny hate him, then it wouldn’t be so tempting for him to run back to Johnny. He didn’t want Johnny to take him back. Jaehyun needed to stay away from him.

Jaehyun’s heart hurt all the time, a steady ache that matched the tired headache he had. He chugged water and sipped coffee, trying to make it all go away.

Nothing worked.

Practice started late. Everyone was jumping around, talking, stretching, getting read to go through their new comeback songs. Jaehyun was grateful he didn’t have to split his time between team activities and acting activities for a few weeks. This would give him time to focus on Jungwoo. And Jungwoo still seemed okay. He was talking with Mark while they stretched.

Jaehyun pretended to be stretching but he was just lying down.

He watched Johnny walk in from his position on the floor. Johnny looked normal, his dark brown hair getting quite long. He walked over to Yuta and started talking to him. They were both involved in some animated conversation.

Johnny didn’t even glance over at him.

Jaehyun didn’t know why he didn’t expect to get ignored. Was this how Johnny felt when Jaehyun ignored him? All those calls and texts he pretended not to get because he felt so overwhelmed?

Being ignored fucking sucked.

 _What did you expect?_ Jaehyun’s rational side asked him.

Jaehyun had to admit that there was a small part of him that believed Johnny would always come back to him. Would always forgive him.

He was wrong.

Jaehyun knew he deserved it. He stepped up in front of the mirror when it was time for them to start rehearsal and tried to be professional.

But the long nights, no sleep and stress were getting to him. Jaehyun was having trouble keeping up. The dance steps were foggy in his brain and he kept messing up. At one point, he and Jungwoo were up front, singing their part of the bridge. Jungwoo stepped left and Jaehyun was supposed to step right, but he stepped the wrong way and stumbled into him.

“Let’s focus!” their choreographer snapped.

“Sorry.” Jaehyun bowed deeply and stifled a huge yawn. He almost didn’t come up out of the bow.

Everyone was giving him a funny look.

Everyone except Johnny.

“Let’s do it again,” the choreographer said.

The next two hours were hell as Jaehyun was the cause of almost all their restarts and do overs. He could feel everyone glaring at him or giving him worried looks. He was sure they felt a mixture of both. Jaehyun almost never messed up like this. He had learned his center part in the Resonance choreo in one day.

But today was different. He couldn’t concentrate at all. It felt like more than lack of sleep. He could deal with a lack of sleep.

Right now, Jaehyun just couldn’t get it together.

When they tried singing live and performing, Jaehyun’s voice cracked like he was 13 years old. He heard a couple of guys stifle a laugh. Taeil gave him a worried look. Doyoung raised his eyebrows. Jaehyun wanted to sink into the floor. Was today over yet?

Practice ended shortly after that. Everyone started leaving for their separate schedules. The vocal line had a studio session. Jaehyun went to grab his bag but the choreographer called his name.

“I need to talk to you,” he said.

Jaehyun watched helplessly as Jungwoo and all the others left the room, leaving him alone.

“What was that?” the choreographer asked him.

Jaehyun bowed deeply. “I’ll do better, sir,” he said, demurely.

He thought that would be enough, but the choreographer spent the next ten minutes telling him everything he did wrong and why he was terrible and how he was dragging the whole team down.

Jaehyun hadn’t been chewed out like that in a long time.

After it was over, he grabbed his stuff and hurried into the hallway.

Doyoung was waiting there.

“You look like shit,” he said.

Jaehyun rubbed his eye and sighed.

“Were you waiting for me?” Jaehyun asked Doyoung.

Doyoung shrugged. “I had things to do. So what’s wrong with you?”

Jaehyun shrugged a shoulder. They began walking to the recording studio.

“I heard you and Johnny broke up.”

Jaehyun nodded.

“Why?”

“Long story,” Jaehyun said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Is that why you look so terrible? I’m serious.”

Jaehyun rubbed his face and told himself to do better with the makeup tomorrow. “I’m just tired,” Jaehyun said. “That’s all. It’s fine.”

“Johnny seemed upset. Are you?”

Jaehyun tried shrugging again, but he couldn’t quite manage it. They got to the recording studio. He could see Jungwoo inside, holding up sheet music and singing while their vocal coach watched with Taeil and Haechan.

Doyoung patted Jaehyun’s shoulder. “You’d better get it together,” he said. “Let me know if you need anything?”

Jaehyun nodded. Doyoung gave Jaehyun’s shoulder a squeeze and then continued walking down the hall to do whatever else he had to do.

Jaehyun wanted to cry.

Instead, he took a deep breath and walked in the room. He smiled when Jungwoo looked at him and put his arm around him.

“What’s going on?” he asked everyone, charmingly.

Jaehyun sat with Jungwoo at every meal. They sat together after the meal. Jaehyun made sure Jungwoo didn’t go anywhere. Sometimes they talked. Sometimes they didn’t. Jaehyun asked Jungwoo how he was doing.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jungwoo always said.

Jaehyun was not.

But Jungwoo did seem fine. Jaehyun didn’t know what he was expecting. Withdrawal symptoms or something? Dramatic runs to the bathroom after dinner where Jaehyun had to restrain him? Jungwoo sat there with Jaehyun. He never brought up the issue unless he was asked. When Jaehyun asked, Jungwoo just said that he was fine and doing okay.

By the fourth day, Jaehyun had to wonder did he imagine it? Were the containers of vomit he found under Jungwoo’s bed real? Was it just a phase? Was he overreacting?

But he knew it was real. The smell, the image, they were burned into his brain. Sometimes he saw it when he closed his eyes.

Then Jaehyun would look at those websites with the terrible side effects again. He would think about the terrible consequences if Jungwoo were to run away.

He’d remember their manager’s words. _Do you think he might want to… hurt himself?_

Jaehyun reminded himself he couldn’t let that happen.

He wanted to talk about it more with Jungwoo, but he was scared to bring it up. What if talking about the problem triggered a binge? Jaehyun didn’t know what he would do if he set Jungwoo off again. For now, he seemed to be doing fine. If Jaehyun just stayed with him all the time, Jungwoo would be fine. That was the solution. It was working. Jaehyun told himself that over and over again as he stayed up all night. He told himself that when he was nearly dead on his feet during rehearsal. He told himself that when he sat with Jungwoo after dinner and Jungwoo was scrolling through his phone. He told himself that when he wanted to scream because he was so tired.

It was working, it was working, it was working.

Jaehyun was doing the right thing.

“Schedules!” their manager called out during a break at rehearsal on Friday. He began handing papers out. “And congratulate Jaehyun. They officially announced his casting in the new drama today. He’ll start filming next week.”

Everyone clapped, politely.

Except Johnny.

Jaehyun looked over at Johnny. He was studying his schedule, not paying attention.

Then Jaehyun realized what their manager had said. He started filming next week? That couldn’t be possible. He thought he had more time.

Jaehyun got up and hurried over to him.

“Hyung,” he said, to his manager. “I can’t start filming next week. Are you sure?”

His manager looked confused. “Why not?”

“I—” Jaehyun said, but the reason wasn’t anything he could say.

Jaehyun went back to sitting on the floor in a daze.

He was so tired.

Jaehyun laid in his bed that night while Jungwoo was watching something on his phone. After a few moments of hearing Jungwoo’s little giggles, Jaehyun leaned over and waved his hand to get Jungwoo’s attention.

Jungwoo slipped off his headphones.

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said. “Um… I want to ask you a question.”

Jungwoo nodded.

“Have you, uh…” Jaehyun thought about how to phrase it. “Have you wanted to uh… do… you know… uh… since we talked about it?”

Jungwoo sat there, completely still for a long moment. Then he shook his head.

“You haven’t?” Jaehyun filled in. “Okay. That’s… that’s really good.”

Jungwoo nodded and put his headphones back in.

It was working, Jaehyun told himself. He didn’t have to worry so much. He could relax. He could go to sleep. When he started filming on Monday, Jungwoo was going to be okay. He wasn’t going to throw up or run away and hurt himself. He was fine. Jaehyun was doing it. Making Jungwoo better.

Jaehyun still didn’t sleep that night.

On Saturday, they had a free day. Jaehyun was grateful for the chance to laze around without people asking him why he was so tired, because everyone else was lazing around, too. No one did much, but they all ate dinner as a group, which was nice. Jaehyun felt like he hadn’t just hung out with his 10th floor dormmates in a long time.

After dinner, Jaehyun went with Jungwoo back to their room to wait the 30 minutes after eating. Jaehyun didn’t know why he thought 30 minutes was a magic number. He had basically seen it in the plot for a movie. The patients at the eating disorder clinic weren’t allowed to do anything for 30 minutes after eating.

Doing nothing felt so nice.

Jaehyun laid down on his bed.

When he opened his eyes, Jungwoo was gone.

At first, Jaehyun just laid there. He must have dozed off for a moment. It had been happening on and off all week but he always pulled himself out of it quickly.

Then he noticed Jungwoo’s clock across the room.

Jaehyun shot straight up, sucking in his breath.

It was two hours later.

Jungwoo wasn’t in their room.

Jungwoo was missing.

Jaehyun turned on the lights and looked around their small room like Jungwoo must have been hiding on the floor or something.

He wasn’t there.

Jaehyun’s heart jumped into his throat.

He burst out of the room and checked the bathroom first. It was empty. He poked his head into Taeil and Yuta’s room, seeing Taeil in there.

“Hey, have you seen Jungwoo?” Jaehyun tried to keep his voice light.

Taeil shook his head.

“Okay…” Jaehyun took a step back. It was fine. He told himself it was fine.

Haechan and Mark were in the living room, playing video games and laughing. No sign of Jungwoo.

Jaehyun took a deep breath.

“Have you guys seen Jungwoo?” He asked, just a little too loudly.

Haechan paused the video game as they both looked over at him.

“Yeah, he left.” Mark said.

Jaehyun felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. He couldn’t speak for a moment.

“Wh-where?” he sputtered out.

“We don’t know,” Haechan said.

“When?” Jaehyun asked, urgently.

Mark and Haechan looked at each other.

“Like, an hour ago,” Mark answered, in English.

Jaehyun couldn’t breathe. He pressed a hand against his chest. Anger and fear rippled through him so hard that it made him flinch.

“Why did you let him leave?” Jaehyun shouted.

Mark and Haechan looked at each other again with their mouths open.

“Hyung, is he _grounded_?” Haechan asked. Jaehyun spun around and hurried back to his room.

“Hey!” Taeil called from down the hall. “Jaehyun. Is everything all right?”

“Fine!” Jaehyun yelled. He shut his door, hard.

Jungwoo was missing. Jungwoo was missing. Jungwoo was gone.

Jaehyun looked at Jungwoo’s empty bed, the covers all rumpled from when Jungwoo was lying on top of them.

Lying on his bed with Jaehyun, who was supposed to be watching him. Jaehyun was supposed to be staying with him but Jaehyun fell asleep.

Now he didn’t know where Jungwoo was. He didn’t know what Jungwoo was going to do.

Jaehyun grabbed Jungwoo’s clock, pulled it out of the wall and threw it on the floor.

“Fuck!” he cried, but soft enough so only he could hear. Jaehyun pressed his hands to his face and tried to take a deep breath.

What was he going to do? Where was Jungwoo? Was he okay?

What if they never found him?

 _This is all your fault, this is all your fault, this is all your fault_ , that obnoxious voice in his head told him.

If something happened to Jungwoo, it would be all Jaehyun’s fault.

He vowed to protect him. He worked so hard all week to stay with him. Jaehyun thought Jungwoo was getting better. But Jaehyun was tired and weak and he let his guard down and now his worst fear had come true.

Jungwoo was gone.

 _You have to tell someone_ , that rational voice said.

But Jaehyun couldn’t. He didn’t want to risk it.

Just like everything else, he was going to figure this out himself.

All he had to do was find Jungwoo and bring him home. Then they’d start over. They could do this. He told Jungwoo he wouldn’t tell. He told Jungwoo he wouldn’t let him down.

He wasn’t going to break Jungwoo’s trust. Not again.

Jaehyun sat on his bed and grabbed his phone. He began calling Jungwoo over and over again.

He didn’t know what else to do.

“Jungwoo, please pick up,” Jaehyun whispered, letting the call ring through. It clicked off. He tried Jungwoo again. Where was he? What if he never picked up? What if he—

 _If you really think he’s going to hurt himself, you have to tell someone_ , that voice said.

But Jaehyun wasn’t sure. Jungwoo seemed so calm over the past couple of days. Too calm. Did that mean he was hiding something? Planning something?

Jaehyun had really fucked up.

He kept pressing call as tears clouded his vision.

“Jungwoo, please… pick up…” He whispered desperately, sliding to the floor. He listened to the phone ring. Jungwoo didn’t have a voicemail message. The call just ended.

Jaehyun’s breathing was too fast. His hands were shaking. He kept calling, never taking a break. All Jungwoo had to do was pick up. All he had to do was pick up. Why couldn’t Jaehyun make him pick up?

Jaehyun knew he should do something. He should get out there and start looking. He thought about when they were driving around in Johnny’s car the first time, looking for Jungwoo. They had no idea where to begin.

Jaehyun had never been in this position before. He was sitting on the floor, doing nothing but crying, but he seriously couldn’t catch his breath. He’d never cried so hard before. He felt like he was going to choke on his own tears. He’d never screwed up this badly. Jaehyun was someone who always excelled. Who always got it right. But lately, he’d been getting everything wrong.

First with Johnny. Now with Jungwoo.

Both of them had gotten very hurt because of him.

Jaehyun bit down on his hand to keep his sobs quiet as he continued to call Jungwoo with one hand.

Jaehyun felt like he was losing it. He couldn’t do this anymore. He didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t hear from Jungwoo again.

And then the call connected. 

Jaehyun tried to stop crying.

“Jungwoo?” he asked, urgently, even before Jungwoo said anything. “Where are you? Remember you said you were going to tell me everything.”

Jaehyun tried not to speak in such a shaky voice but he failed. He could hear breathing on the other side. Jungwoo was there, but he wasn’t saying anything. Jaehyun’s heart kicked into overdrive. He waited. He wiped his face and swallowed hard, trying to pull himself together.

“Jungwoo!” Jaehyun tried again. “Tell me you’re okay.”

Silence. Jaehyun knew he wasn’t okay. Whatever it was, Jaehyun knew he need to get there. Jaehyun rocked up onto his knees, pressing the phone against his ear as far as it would go, as if he could crawl through to the other side and be right there where Jungwoo needed him.

But he was too far away.

“Jungwoo…” Jaehyun tried again. He couldn’t keep the tremor of fear and sadness out of his voice. He knew Jungwoo could hear it. “Say something. You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun,” Jungwoo mumbled.

“No, no!” Jaehyun said, jumping to his feet. He didn’t know there was another level for his heart rate, but it slammed into a faster rhythm. All sorts of things were running through Jaehyun’s mind. His imagination was going crazy.

That sounded like the last thing you would say to someone.

Jaehyun began pacing the room, speaking to Jungwoo urgently. “That was the one thing you’re not supposed to say to me. Where are you? I’ll come get you. Tell me… I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He waited, clenching his fingernails into his palm.

The line went dead.

Jaehyun listened to silence for a long moment. Then he pulled the phone away from his ear slowly and looked at the screen.

It was blank.

Jungwoo had disconnected the call.

Jaehyun stood there frozen for a moment. Then he threw his phone across the room.

It hit the wall and left a black mark. Jaehyun closed his eyes as a sob burst out of him. He was so close and he’d screwed up once again. He didn’t know what to do.

He needed Johnny.

He couldn’t call Johnny.

Jaehyun got up and grabbed his phone. Jaehyun told himself that he couldn’t give up. He had to keep trying. He dropped onto Jungwoo’s bed and started calling him again. Over and over. Everything was blurry through his tears. He’d never cried this hard in his life. So hard that he was feeling sick.

 _The longer you don’t tell anyone, the more you’re failing him_ , said that voice in his head.

But Jaehyun couldn’t tell.

“Jungwoo, fuck… Jungwoo, answer the phone…” Jaehyun begged through his tears. All he heard were beeps and ringing. Jungwoo wasn’t picking up. His heart was racing so fast and the tears were coming so hard that he felt faint. He was all alone in his room.

Jungwoo might be slipping away and no one knew. No one but Jaehyun. And Jaehyun had completely failed him.

A half hour passed by. Jaehyun was still dialing. His finger was going numb but he didn’t stop

He didn’t know what else to do.

 _Jaehyun, you are making the biggest mistake of your life_ , that voice in his head said.

Jaehyun couldn’t think. He was so freaked out. He was so scared.

Jungwoo wasn’t picking up the phone.

Jaehyun closed his eyes, tightly, letting the phone fall from his grip. He had totally screwed up. Worst than anything he’d ever done in his life.

If only he had Johnny. He wanted Johnny. The worst mistake was not telling him. You should tell someone you loved them if you did.

No. His worst mistake was not loving Johnny the way he deserved to be loved.

They could face this together.

Why had Jaehyun been so afraid? Nothing could be worse than what he was feeling right now. Even if Jungwoo did get mad at him again, if Johnny knew they could both work to keep him safe. But now, that wasn’t a possibility. Jaehyun had a feeling in his gut. He felt this overwhelming, sinking fear that Jungwoo had--

Something made Jaehyun open his eyes.

Johnny was standing there.

Jaehyun bolted up, sitting upright. Johnny knelt next to the bed. Jaehyun stared at him. Had he conjured Johnny out of thin air?

“Youngho…?” he croaked out.

Johnny cupped Jaehyun’s wet face in his hands. He brushed his thumbs over Jaehyun’s cheeks.

“Jungwoo told me everything,” Johnny said, staring into Jaehyun’s shocked eyes. “I know where he is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legit got a headache writing this because the anxiety is sooooooooooooo high. :D Thanks for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun and Johnny go to find Jungwoo.

Jaehyun shook his head. He still felt like he was dreaming. His head was stuffed up and cloudy. Was Johnny really holding his face and looking into his eyes?

“What…?” he gasped out.

“I’m here.” Johnny kissed Jaehyun’s forehead. “Jungwoo called me. I was with Yong, getting him settled in— “

“How is he?” Jaehyun asked quickly, coming to his senses a little bit. Taeyong was coming back to the dorm from the rehab facility today. Jaehyun had completely forgotten.

“He’s fine,” Johnny said. He moved to sit on the edge of Jungwoo’s bed next to Jaehyun and gently grabbed Jaehyun’s arms. “But then Jungwoo called me and I was like, what is this? At first he didn’t say anything but…” Johnny took a deep breath. “Jaehyun, this whole time… I’ve known something was really wrong. So, I was like, Jungwoo… talk to me. And then… he told me. He told me everything.”

Jaehyun nodded, relieved and a little scared of what Jungwoo said.

“Where is he?” Jaehyun asked. Johnny pulled out his phone and showed Jaehyun the marked location on his Maps app.

“Where is that?” Jaehyun squinted at Johnny’s phone. Jungwoo was miles and miles away. How did he even get there?

“We’ll figure it out.” Johnny wrapped his arms around Jaehyun and pulled him into a tight squeeze. Jaehyun’s breath hitched as he sank against Johnny, pressing his face against Johnny’s chest. He started crying again. He couldn’t help it.

“It’s okay,” Johnny said in a soothing voice. He kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head. “I’ve got you, okay?”

Jaehyun sniffed, his whole body shaking with tears.

“I’m here for you,” Johnny said. “No matter what. Anytime. Any place. Anywhere. Any reason. All you have to say is Johnny, I need you and I’ll be there.”

“Johnny, I need you,” Jaehyun choked out, crying harder. Johnny gave him a squeeze.

“I promise it’s going to be okay,” Johnny whispered against his hair. “I love you, Jaehyun.”

“I love you, too.” The words slipped out, finally. Scarily. Jaehyun felt like he was purging all his feelings. They needed to come out.

“I know…” Johnny murmured. He lifted Jaehyun’s face up gently and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “We need to talk, baby. But… let’s get Jungwoo, okay? He needs us. Really bad. Let’s go.”

Jaehyun nodded. Jaehyun let Johnny pull him to his feet. He smiled when Johnny took off his beanie and tugged it over Jaehyun’s hair. Jaehyun reached out to touch the ends of Johnny’s hair.

“Your hair is getting so long,” Jaehyun said, his voice raspy from crying.

“Thanks for finally noticing,” Johnny said, with a smile. “I was trying to impress you.”

They hurried from the dorm without saying much to the others. Johnny went around to the back of his car and opened the trunk.

“What do you think Jungwoo will need?” Johnny asked. “I have a blanket.”

“Water…” Jaehyun wiped his eyes again, feeling himself calming down and coming back to his senses. They needed to focus on Jungwoo. “Something to clean up with.”

Johnny held up his pack of baby wipes. “Perfect for cleaning you up,” Johnny said, with a teasing grin.

Jaehyun smiled even though it hurt a little bit.

He called Jungwoo in the car.

Jungwoo finally picked up.

“We’re in the car,” Jaehyun said, before Jungwoo could say anything. Johnny closed the trunk and slipped behind the driver’s seat, starting the car up. The GPS beeped, ready to give directions. “I’m so proud of you, Jungwoo. You’re amazing. I love you. We both do.”

“Yeah!” Johnny called in the background. “I love you, Jungwoo!”

Jaehyun knew how important it was to hear those words. He vowed that he would say them to Jungwoo over and over again.

Johnny, too.

They both deserved to know how important they were to him. They both deserved to know that they were loved.

Jaehyun vowed to never forget that.

They tried to keep things light over the phone, keep Jungwoo talking. They sang along to the radio, asked Jungwoo silly questions. Jungwoo didn’t say much. Sometimes he laughed a little. The important thing was that they could hear him breathing. Jaehyun just wanted to get to him.

The GPS took them to a part of the Seoul where Jaehyun had never been. They couldn’t access Jungwoo’s location from the street. They had to get out and walk the rest of the way. Johnny parked in a dark alleyway that looked like the wrong place to leave a car.

“This place is so sketchy…” Jaehyun said, putting the call on mute for a moment.

“I don’t care,” Johnny said. “Let’s get him and get out of here. I don’t want Jungwoo here alone.”

They hopped out. Johnny grabbed the bag with the stuff and handed Jaehyun a flashlight. Johnny was like a Boy Scout when it came to his car. He was always prepared.

They had to walk down a path, up a hill, through the grass. Jungwoo was very close to the river. Jaehyun could hear it just beyond this park-like area they were in.

He and Johnny shined their flashlights ahead, trying to pierce through the darkness, searching for Jungwoo.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun called. Then he spotted him and ran over.

Jungwoo was lying on his back in the grass. He looked small and pale and sick. His breathing was shallow and too quick. There was a huge pile of vomit next to him. It was awful. Jaehyun tried to ignore it and crouched in front of Jungwoo. He was a mess.

“Hey, I’m here,” Jaehyun said, trying to keep his voice as light as he could. “Can you get up?” He reached for Jungwoo’s hands and pulled him up to a sitting position. Jaehyun heard Johnny gasp behind him, but he didn’t hesitate with helping Jaehyun get Jungwoo to his feet.

They took Jungwoo over to a bench nearby and sat down. Jaehyun nodded at Johnny to get the blanket. Johnny wrapped the blanket over Jungwoo’s shoulders. Jaehyun hoped that would help Jungwoo stop shaking. Jaehyun grabbed the box of baby wipes from Johnny’s bag. He focused on cleaning up Jungwoo’s mouth and then he wiped down his hands. He dabbed at Jungwoo’s shirt. He wasn’t sure they could save it. Johnny gave Jungwoo some water and some mouthwash, while he joked about how he liked to have sex in his car. Jaehyun wasn’t sure the jokes were appropriate, but he was so grateful Johnny was there.

He couldn’t do this without Johnny.

Jaehyun had been so stupid to ever think he could.

Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Jungwoo and held him close. He kissed the top of Jungwoo’s hair, just like Johnny had done for him.

“How are you feeling?” Jaehyun murmured against Jungwoo’s messy hair.

“Tired,” Jungwoo grunted.

“Thank you for calling me,” Johnny said. Jaehyun gave Johnny a small smile as he sat on Jungwoo’s other side. “I needed some Saturday night action.”

Jaehyun was grateful that Johnny made Jungwoo giggle with that lame joke. He rubbed Jungwoo’s arm and took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure what to do next.

How were they going to fix this?

“You know what we need?” Johnny said, breaking the silence. “We need to relax. A little TLC. A little privacy. Fluffy bathrobes. A place with a bathtub.”

“What are you thinking, John?” Jaehyun asked, looking at Johnny curiously as he pulled out his phone. They hadn’t really discussed a plan on the way over here. They were too concerned about getting to Jungwoo.

“I’m booking us a hotel room for the night.”

“Oooo,” Jaehyun teased. “Somewhere fancy?”

“The fanciest.” Johnny wiggled his eyebrows at Jaehyun over Jungwoo’s head. Jaehyun stifled a laugh.

“Johnny is such a generous man.”

“Give me your Black card, Jaehyun, you’re paying.”

Jaehyun looked down at Jungwoo. He seemed really out of it. But he was there and that was all that mattered.

They made their way to Johnny’s car, each of them holding onto Jungwoo. Johnny helped Jungwoo in the back and Jaehyun sat beside him. He watch Jungwoo as he fell asleep.

“Johnny, where are you going?”

“Four Seasons,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun looked down at Jungwoo and tucked the blanket around him tighter. “He’s like… I don’t know. Do you think we should take him to the hospital?”

“I think we should keep an eye on him tonight,” Johnny said. “Then we can decide. Jaehyun, this is serious. Like… did you see that?”

Jaehyun nodded and swallowed hard.

“I can’t believe he’s been dealing with this for so long,” Johnny said. “I feel terrible.”

“Me too,” Jaehyun whispered.

“We’ll figure it out,” Johnny said. He caught Jaehyun’s eyes in the rear view mirror and smiled. “I promise, my love.”

Jaehyun wasn’t expecting Johnny to call him that. His heart started beating faster, but for a completely different reason. He smiled back.

He was so relieved to be Johnny’s love again. That’s what he needed more than anything in life.

Johnny made him feel so safe.

Jaehyun hoped he could do the same for Jungwoo.

They arrived at the hotel a little while later. Johnny pulled up at valet parking. Jaehyun shook Jungwoo awake gently and they got out of the car, walking into the elegant five-star hotel with nothing but the clothes on their backs and Jungwoo was wearing a blanket over his shoulders to cover up the fact that his clothes were covered in vomit. It did nothing for the smell. No one said anything. They just bowed and pointed out the elevator.

Jaehyun had to stop himself from gasping when they walked in the suite. Johnny booked a suite that took up a whole upper floor. There was a living room, an entertainment room, a full kitchen, a master bedroom, a second bedroom and who knows what else down the hall. The whole place was surround by wall-to-ceiling panel windows all around for practically a 360 degree view of the Seoul skyline. Did Johnny think they were moving in?

“Jesus, Johnny. You couldn’t save this for the honeymoon?” Jaehyun said, the words jumping out.

“What?” Johnny yelped, turning around and staring at him with wide eyes.

It was rare that Jaehyun flustered Johnny like that. He couldn’t help smiling. “What?” He smiled sweetly.

They needed to joke around a little bit. Or the heaviness would crush them.

Jaehyun steered Jungwoo directly to the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the tub and started running a bath. Jungwoo peeled his clothes off carefully, before just sitting on the floor. It broke Jaehyun’s heart to see him so out of it. What happened to his energetic friend?

They had to get Jungwoo some help.

But Jaehyun wasn’t going to do anything behind Jungwoo’s back. It wasn’t his choice.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun said. His roommate looked at him but he didn’t say anything.

“Why did you call Johnny?” Jaehyun thought about to how he’d been so terrified to let this secret of Jungwoo’s slip because he thought that would be the end of Jungwoo. In the end, Jungwoo was the one who told. He didn’t understand it.

Jungwoo surprised him with his answer. “Because you didn’t deserve to be alone with this,” Jungwoo said in a small voice. “You needed Johnny.”

Jaehyun turned to Jungwoo. “I need _you_ to be okay,” he said, fiercely. “That’s the most important thing.”

“Haechan told me you broke up with Johnny.”

“Oh God,” Johnny groaned from the doorway, appearing suddenly. “Haechan tells everyone everything.”

“It didn’t have anything to do with you.” Jaehyun said.

“What did it have to do with?” Johnny said, giving Jaehyun a curious look. He was mostly teasing but Jaehyun felt himself turning red. He couldn’t have Jungwoo thinking that Jaehyun’s relationship problems were his fault.

“I told you…” Jaehyun stuttered out. He tried to think of an excuse that would make Jungwoo feel better. “I just didn’t want any distractions.”

“Mmm hmmm…” Johnny came over to Jaehyun and sat next to him on the edge of the tub. Jaehyun knew they had a lot to talk about later.

“You shouldn’t break up with him because of me,” Jungwoo said, in a small voice.

Jaehyun was taken aback when Johnny took his hands and laced their fingers together, leaning in and looking at Jaehyun closely. But Johnny was speaking to Jungwoo. “It wasn’t because of you, Jungwoo,” Johnny said. “We’ve been… getting more serious lately and I think that scared him. That’s why I was so shocked by that honeymoon joke.”

Jaehyun chuckled a little. His heart was beating faster. Johnny did this to him with a single look. Sent all of Jaehyun’s senses into overdrive. Jaehyun tried splashing Johnny to break the spell but it didn’t work.

“I told him that I love him,” Johnny said in a low voice. “I do.”

I do, too, Jaehyun thought. Jaehyun was nervous about doing this in front of Jungwoo. He could feel the intense feelings passing between them. He didn’t want Jungwoo to feel bad, knowing that he and Johnny cared about each other so much.

“You shouldn’t lose that,” Jungwoo said. Jaehyun looked over at him. For the first time all night, he looked coherent. Jungwoo looked like he really meant what he was saying. “I want the best for you.”

“I want the best for you,” Jaehyun said, quickly.

“Me too,” Johnny chimed in, flashing Jungwoo a smile. “The very best.”

“I think Johnny is the best for you,” Jungwoo said, looking at Jaehyun intensely. Jaehyun swallowed.

Did he really have Jungwoo’s blessing? That was a relief.

He looked at Johnny over his shoulder. Johnny was grinning as he clutched his chest. “Listen to the man,” Johnny said.

Jaehyun got up and pulled Johnny up. He needed this conversation to end. His heart was beating a little too quickly. He wanted to talk to Johnny alone. He turned off the bath.

“Holler if you need us, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said, pulling Johnny out of the room and closing the door.

“You think he’ll be okay?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun nodded. He really thought so.

They walked to the second bathroom, together. Jaehyun washed up while Johnny peed. After he washed his hands, Johnny wrapped his arms around Jaehyun from behind.

“I love you,” he said, kissing the top of Jaehyun’s head.

The way he said that so casually made Jaehyun’s heart clench. He turned around slowly in Johnny’s arms.

“Are we still broken up?” Jaehyun asked, looking up to him.

Johnny shrugged. “That’s up to you. But it doesn’t change my feelings for you. Jaehyun, I’ve loved you for a long time. I’m not gonna just stop loving you. I’m not going to stop being there for you. Never.”

Jaehyun hugged Johnny tightly and pressed his face against Johnny’s neck. They stood there for a long time, holding each other in a bathroom. It wasn’t the most romantic place to be but it was just what they needed.

After a little while, they pulled apart and went to the master bedroom. Jaehyun climbed on the bed beside Johnny. There were so many pillows but instead, he curled up against Johnny’s chest while Johnny wrapped his arms around him.

“I’m gonna order Jungwoo some pajamas,” Johnny said, picking up the room phone next to the bed. “We need to throw those old clothes away.”

Jaehyun nodded, holding onto Johnny. He listened to Johnny’s deep voice speaking on the phone. He couldn’t decide if Johnny sounded sexier speaking Korean or English. He was sexy either way.

“I also got some drinks for him. And some soup. Maybe he’ll be up for eating.” Johnny kissed the side of Jaehyun’s face. “I got some wine for us… We need it.”

Jaehyun nodded, with a small smile. Then he pulled away and looked at Johnny seriously.

“What’s up?” Johnny said, sitting up a little more to meet his eyes.

Jaehyun took a quick breath. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Johnny nodded. “Go ahead, babe.”

Jaehyun took another breath to calm himself down. “I want to talk about us…”

Jaehyun didn’t know what he was going to say before he said it. The words were forming in his brain and bubbling over. But that was okay. For once, Jaehyun wasn’t going to be so calculated. He was going to speak from his heart.

“I’m always listening to you, baby,” Johnny said, fixing Jaehyun with those warm, brown eyes. It made Jaehyun smile.

“I want to be with you,” Jaehyun said, slowly. “But not like before.”

Johnny nodded slowly.

“I don’t want it to be like what you said. You give 60 percent and I give 40 percent. Johnny, that’s not what I want. I want to give 100 percent and you give 100 percent. That’s the kind of boyfriend you deserve and the kind of boyfriend I should be for you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, Johnny. I wasn’t. I know you’re dealing with your own feelings and problems… hell, Taeyong hyung has been in the hospital for weeks and you’ve been by his side and my side and I never asked you… anything about it. It’s always about me.”

Johnny kissed the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth when he took a pause. Jaehyun sniffed a little when he felt the tears coming.

“I love all the romantic things you do,” Jaehyun said. “Sometimes… I didn’t know how to say it. Johnny, you’re my first relationship. I… I don’t know if I exactly know how to let people in. Not like you. It’s easier when… I don’t have to worry about someone else. Like that. But I want to worry about you. I want to speak with you. I want to catch up with you, every day. I really care about you, Johnny. You’ve… shown me another part of life. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to lose you.”

He looked at Johnny earnestly with tears in his eyes. Johnny shook his head.

“You won’t,” Johnny said.

“Pushing you away… ignoring you… yelling at you… all of that was wrong of me, Johnny,” Jaehyun said, sniffing again. “I felt… I was scared about being with you and I was really stressed out about Jungwoo and work and everything. I was overwhelmed. But that’s not an excuse. I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I want you to know, I’m sorry, Johnny. If you take me back, I will give everything to our relationship. I’m ready now.”

Jaehyun bit his lip and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall. It was hard, but if he was going to be with Johnny, he had to share everything with him. He needed to show Johnny who he really was. Not wear a façade. Just be real with him.

Johnny cupped Jaehyun’s face in his hands and began kissing all over his face, softly. He could feel Johnny tasting his tears.

“No more secrets,” Johnny said.

“No more secrets,” Jaehyun agreed.

“Even if Jungwoo might get mad.”

Jaehyun laughed a little, unexpectedly. He nodded. He kissed Johnny back when Johnny found his lips.

“I love you, Youngho,” Jaehyun whispered about Johnny’s lips.

“I love you, Yoonoh,” Johnny whispered back. “God, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that to me.”

Jaehyun laughed a little and gave Johnny another kiss. “I love you,” he said again.

He’d been waiting a long time to say it too.

*

They cuddled on the bed with Jungwoo after he got out of the bath and got dressed. They watched a stupid show that Johnny liked on some American station the hotel got. Jaehyun put his arms around Jungwoo, breathing in his warm skin and clean scent. Jungwoo felt so much better now.

“How are you feeling?” Jaehyun asked.

“Fine,” Jungwoo said. “Still tired. My throat hurts.”

“I can imagine,” Johnny said. “Jungwoo… I don’t know how you do it. I haven’t puked in a long time but last time I did, I was dead for three days. It really took it out of me. And you… I… I honestly had no idea you were struggling with this. You’ve been keeping up with us and everything. You’ve been acting pretty normal. I’m impressed but at the same time I feel so bad for you, I really do.”

Jaehyun shook his head in surprise at how blunt Johnny was but Jungwoo didn’t seem to mind. Jungwoo smiled.

“I feel bad for me, too,” Jungwoo said, smiling sadly. “It’s really hard.”

Jaehyun’s heart dropped to his stomach. He realized that he and Jungwoo had never talked about this. Not really. They didn’t talk about how hard it was on Jungwoo’s body or how it made him feel. Jaehyun had barely asked him any questions. He’d been too scared.

But Johnny was willing to speak to him about it. And Jaehyun could tell that Jungwoo needed someone to listen. Truly listen.

Jaehyun wasn’t doing a good enough job.

Jungwoo was right. He needed help.

“Maybe Johnny can stay with you sometimes?” Jaehyun asked.

Jungwoo shook his head.

Jaehyun’s heart dropped again. His anxiety started to kick up but he forced himself to stay calm. “That’s okay,” Jaehyun said. “I’ll always be here. I’m sorry I let you down tonight, Jungwoo. It won’t happen again.”

He meant it. But Jungwoo shook his head again. “No, that’s not what I meant,” he said. “You didn’t let me down, Jaehyun. I… I need help. Real help… I know you were trying your best but it’s not working. It’s too much for you and for me. I need to… tell someone.”

Jaehyun shared a look with Johnny. Was Jungwoo saying what he thought he said? Jaehyun felt so relieved. His heart started to slow down.

“If that’s really what you want to do, Jungwoo,” Jaehyun said. “Whatever you want to do. I’m here to support you. We both are.”

“I think it’s really brave of you,” Johnny said. “I think it will help.”

“Who do you want to tell?” Jaehyun asked.

“The guys,” Jungwoo said. Jaehyun really felt proud of him. He didn’t think he had ever felt this proud in his life. “And then… our manager. Tell the company… I need help again.” Jungwoo started to cry. Jaehyun held him tighter. He wished he knew the perfect thing to say but then Johnny was speaking.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Johnny said. “You know, I was seeing a psychologist for a while.”

“Really?” Jungwoo choked out.

“Really?” Jaehyun looked at Johnny in surprise. He’d known Johnny for so many years, but he’d never heard about this. “I… you never told me about this.”

Johnny nodded. “I know I seem like such a fun, cool, chill, easy-going guy and I am but… I definitely went through a bought of depression when I moved here full time. I didn’t debut. They didn’t know what they were going to do with me. I felt ugly and useless. It felt like I had no future. I felt like a failure. I got really low. Really, really low.”

Jaehyun’s heart got caught in his throat. He grabbed Johnny’s hand and gave it a squeeze. He had no idea.

“But I got better,” Johnny continued, turning to Jungwoo. “Like you see… I never told anyone. I wasn’t as brave as you. I never asked for help until it was…” Johnny shrugged with a humorless laugh. “Yeah. I was lucky. But I wasn’t smart. Not like you, Jungwoo. So, I know it’s going to be okay.”

Jaehyun watched Jungwoo smile at Johnny and then Johnny pulled Jungwoo into a tight, tearful hug. When Jaehyun noticed Johnny tearing up, he lost it. He started crying too, a combination of all the fear and anxiety he’d been holding inside for week, but also relief that Jungwoo was going to get help and also, so many tears full of his love for Johnny. For the man Johnny had been before and the man Johnny was now. Johnny, the love of his life. He was so grateful to have him.

Jaehyun wrapped his arms around both of them.

“Don’t make me cryyyyyyyyy,” Johnny groaned.

Jaehyun laughed a little through his tears. They were all crying. But it felt good.

It felt like everything was going to be okay.

*

Jaehyun took Johnny’s hand and left the room once Jungwoo had fallen asleep. They went to the other room and crawled on the bed.

“Johnny, how come you never told me about that?” Jaehyun said, holding Johnny’s hand tightly. Johnny kissed him, softly and shook his head.

“I don’t like to think about it,” Johnny said. “Jaehyun, there were a lot of things we didn’t tell you when you were our maknae. But it’s okay now, baby. I’m fine. I’ve learned how to love myself. That’s why it’s so important to me. We all need to love ourselves so we can stay safe. And so we know how to love others. I know Jungwoo is going to get through this.”

Jaehyun nodded, hugging Johnny tightly.

“You’ve been doing so much,” Johnny whispered. “The things Jungwoo told me about… he shouldn’t have to experience. You either, babe. You’ve experienced something really hard. You did your best. Remember, Jungwoo needs to figure out how to get better. It’s not up to you. But you did your best for him and I don’t want you to ever lose sight of that.”

Jaehyun nodded, his eyes closed. He felt the tears pressing against his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry anymore.

Instead, he kissed Johnny deeply.

He wanted to celebrate their love.

They undressed each other slowly. They took their time, kissing each other all over, drinking wine. They spent hours just worshipping each other’s bodies, touching each other in ways they never had before, taking their time. Jaehyun loved the way it felt. But most of all, he loved showing Johnny how much he loved him.

When it was time, Johnny went to his bag and found their favorite bottle of lube. He crawled back on the bed and kissed Jaehyun’s bare ass cheek.

“You ready, baby?” Johnny asked, in his low, sexy voice.

Jaehyun sat up and shook his head. He took the bottle of lube from Johnny with a smile.

“Let me love you…” Jaehyun said, softly. Johnny looked surprised for a moment. Then he smiled.

“Lay back…” Jaehyun told Johnny. He knelt in front of Johnny, staring into his eyes.

“I love you,” Johnny said.

“I love you, baby,” Jaehyun said, with a smile. He leaned in and gave Johnny a sweet kiss.

Then he uncapped the lube and gave Johnny one more kiss before he got started.

*

“Cut!” the director call. “Perfect. That’s a wrap. Thank you everyone.”

All of the staff started clapping. Jaehyun did 90 degree bows all around, saying thank you to all his fellow actors, staff and crew.

He hurried back to his trailer and changed out of his clothes for the drama, back into his regular clothes. He sat in front of his mirror and fastened his necklace around his neck. The delicate gold necklace with a small pendant that displayed the letter J.

“Hi,” his stylist said, coming in the trailer after she knocked to pick up his wardrobe. “Oh.” She stopped to admire Jaehyun’s necklace in the mirror. He turned around and smiled at her. “J for Jaehyun?” She guessed.

Jaehyun shook his head. “No. Johnny.”

Johnny was waiting for him in his car as soon as Jaehyun hurried off the set. Jaehyun hopped in the passenger side seat and kissed his boyfriend, happily.

“Hi, babe,” Johnny said.

“Hey.” Jaehyun buckled up with a grin.

“How was filming?”

“They want me to take my pants off next time.”

“Not happening,” Johnny said. Jaehyun squeezed Johnny’s leg and laughed.

It was hard to believe, but they had another free weekend. This time, Jaehyun wasn’t wasting a minute of it. He’d planned the perfect weekend away for him and Johnny. All Johnny needed to do was drive.

But they had one stop to make first.

Jungwoo left for his residential treatment program two weeks ago. After Jungwoo told everyone, things moved fast. They decided it was best for him to leave the team again to focus on his health. Jaehyun understood it, but he missed Jungwoo every day. It was lonely in his empty room at night.

Which was why Johnny had been sleeping with him every night.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure what they would do when Jungwoo came back, but he knew he wasn’t switching rooms.

He wanted to stay with his roommate.

But he wanted to stay with his boyfriend, too. Jaehyun knew it was a lucky problem to have two very special people in your life. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world.

He told himself to never take it for granted.

“When did you tell Jungwoo we would be there?” Johnny asked.

“Four,” Jaehyun said. “We have plenty of time.”

“Enough time to…” Johnny looked at Jaehyun and wiggled his eyes at a red light.

Jaehyun laughed, swatting Johnny on the arm. “Stop. No. Plenty of time to get there.”

“I’m excited to see Jungwoo.”

“Me too.”

Jungwoo’s treatment program was about an hour outside of the city. Driving there was peaceful and beautiful. When they got there, Jaehyun thought it looked like a calm, healing place. It looked perfect for Jungwoo. It looked like it was where he was supposed to be.

They’d just pulled up in the parking lot when they saw Jungwoo walking over to them from a nearby building. He had a bright smile on his face.

Jaehyun had missed that smile so much.

“The present’s in the back,” Johnny said, turning off the car.

“Cool,” Jaehyun said. He gave Johnny a sweet kiss. “Hey, guess what?”

“What?”

Jaehyun kissed him again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Johnny chuckled. “You’re getting cheesier than me.”

“Good.”

They got out of the car just as Jungwoo made it over to them. Jaehyun wrapped Jungwoo in a tight hug, lifting him off the ground. Jungwoo looked good. He looked happy and relaxed and his face wasn’t as puffy. He looked closer to his old self again.

“Hey!” Johnny said, coming over to them with the present. Jungwoo hugged him, too.

“This is for you.” Johnny handed Jungwoo his present.

“Thank you,” Jungwoo said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course, we did,” Johnny said. “We’ve missed you. Everyone sends their love.”

Jaehyun nodded and put his arm around Jungwoo’s shoulders.

“Hey!” Johnny shouted. “Wait. Right there.” They waited while Johnny got his camera from the car and hurried back over to them.

“I love this light and the trees in the background. It’s beautiful. Okay, you two, say cheese.”

Jaehyun grinned with his best roommate beside him and his best boyfriend in front of him.

He took a deep, refreshing breath before he yelled, “CHEESE!”

They were all laughing as the camera clicked.

All the most important people in his life were here. Jaehyun’s whole body and soul felt so much lighter.

Just like Jungwoo, he was right where he was supposed to be.

Jaehyun couldn’t imagine anything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> I wanted to write this story because I wanted to explore Jaehyun and Johnny's relationship under the backdrop of Jaehyun dealing with all the stress in his idol life and Jungwoo's weird behavior/eating disorder. I also wanted to explore how two roommates living and working together can have such different lives. You never truly know what someone is dealing with.
> 
> Also, I just needed to write about celebrating all the February birthdays! Because Jaehyun, Johnny and Jungwoo all have their birthdays in February (I just learned this and it blew my mind haha -- New NCTzen).
> 
> If you're struggling with an eating disorder, I wish you the best. Find resources here: https://www.feast-ed.org/worldwide-list-of-ed-advocacy-organizations/
> 
> It's been quite a story. Your comments and kudos kept me going. Thank you again! Yeah JohnJae Nation! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I really adore your comments. Thanks for leaving them for me. 💚  
> You can find me here:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cherrysodapop14)
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/cherrysodakpop14)


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